Self-esteem...I don't want it.

I've regarded this Monday night class...study...--I don't know what the heck it is, but it's been life changing-- as something to build my self-esteem but it hit me.  I don't need anymore self. That's been the problem.  I've been focusing on mySELF for 30 years. How people see ME, how I see mySELF, the impression I'm making on others before I've ever even thought Lord, how do You see me? 

The word "esteem" refers to "placing high value on something"  or "to regard"... and self esteem would end these phrases with the word: yourself.  

To place high value on yourself

To regard yourself

I want the high value to be on God and who I am in Him and discover what the Word says about this.  "Regard" means to "look at" so if I had to sum this whole word study up, I'd say:

I don't want self-esteem.  I want to place the highest value on He who created me. I want to continually gaze upon Him and study His Word to tell me who I am.  His-esteem.  His renown.

Relying on something already written to tell me who I am????  Sounds a heck of a lot easier than what I've been doing.  Trying to write my own definition, which I've botched up and aggravate my husband with.  

I think this class has done such an amazing job of getting this across.  Last week when we learned we are complete, lacking nothing in Him, it made me want it.   I want that kind of esteem.  To be complete in someone other than myself.  

Guess what?  I'm getting it.  I'm changing a little.  I'm starting to question my views about who I am.  For 10 years, I've acknowledged that I'm a child of God, but never thought too much about what that meant except He saved me.

HE HAS EVEN MORE FOR US THAN THAT!

Is being rescued enough?  Heck yes.  Are we allowed to want more in a life directed by our Father?  A to tha MEN.  Is it scary?  You betcha.  But we are facing our fears in this class.  Surrounded by one another (and some of you are doing it by reading things on Facebook.)  

Do it afraid.  But do it.  

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

**disclaimer**  

I am not saying do not be confident.  BE CONFIDENT in the person you are in Christ.  I'm just saying it's easier to be confident when you know who you are.  

Ephesians 3:17-18

so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,

I read this scripture in a devotional I got this morning (haven't read it yet, didn't get past this scripture) and my mind was blown. My mind was open.  My mind was blown open.  ARE YOU GETTING IT?  Something suddenly made sense.

When we want to show a person how to let go and find our loving God, we CAN'T start with "you did this and this is why you need to be forgiven, so that God can love you.  You are dirty and need something to clean you, so that then you can be loved." It's not true, God loves you now.  Period.

Instead we should start with "JESUS LOVES YOU, HE DIED FOR YOU, HE DIED FOR WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, EVEN IF YOU NEVER CHANGE.  EVEN IF YOU NEVER LOVE HIM, HE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND HE WILL NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND."

Let's show them His love FIRST, tell them they are loved FIRST, get that in their heads FIRST.  So that above all else, they are rooted and grounded in LOVE.  They will always fall back on HIS LOVE instead of THEIR MISTAKES.  Present love first, because that is what came first.  He didn't create our mistakes, then a body, then love us.  He knit us together, He held onto us while forming us, loving us by creating us.  He wasn't thinking of our mistakes or how we would disappoint Him, He was just loving us.  ARE YOU GETTING IT?

When Zoe messes us, I want her to then run to ME as her mommy to love her and tell her it's going to be ok. I don't want her to run back to what she has done to find comfort there.

Undo them with His love and then tell them the rest of the good news.  That they can die to themselves right now, and rise up a new creature.  Literally the person they were before is gone.  A NEW CREATION growing in the soil of love.  God created us and after Adam and Eve ate of the fruit, He knew He would have to do it again by sending His son.  And He still stuck around.  He isn't leaving.

2 Cor 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the                       old has gone, the new has come!

Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

He loves you in a way, we cannot comprehend, so FULLY and holding nothing back.  What would it feel like if we accepted it?  

Be rooted in His love because that is where you will find the strength you need to press on.  

Much love,

C

Beautiful and Confident

So this class on Mondays at Celebration is messing me up.  In a good way, but messy nonetheless.  The problem I have is that I've always known that God made me beautiful but how do I see myself that way?  I feel scared to start stripping away my defensive jabs at myself.  What will it feel like to not put myself down daily?  Hourly?  Minute by minute?  What will I be like then?  

I don't know.

It's not just about physical beauty but how you tear yourSELF down, too.  Depending on what you've done in your past, what you're doing in your present and how to let that go.  How to look in the mirror and see the YOU that God made, not the you that you have made.   And let me be clear, I would make a terrible God.  I can't make beauty like He can.  NO ONE can.


We talked about confidence and hope yesterday and were challenged to do one thing this week in an area of our lives where we aren't confident.  I already did mine!  At the end of class, I shared my fears about stripping all the negativity away and beginning from there.  I'm so scared to talk to a group of people and just feel either a) stupid or b) that people will think I'm trying to get attention by speaking up.  It's exhausting, but I've got to beat it.  And that's the thing.  Why do we do this to ourselves when it's so exhausting.  It would be easier to just accept who we are in Him and move on.  We are holding on so tightly to things that make us unhappy and it just doesn't make any sense.  


I've tried for years to just convince myself and accept the fact that I'm not pretty or the right size or smart or confident or that people don't like me because then it would be easier.  I just tried to accept it and live that way.  But God wouldn't let me and that's why it always pops back up, I guess.  He knew I would be in this class now and let me just say THANK GOD FOR THIS CLASS.  


There is hope for a future where we as women can be confident.  I'm hopeful.  I'm scared, but I'm doing it anyway.  

Whatever You're doing...

There is a song that I've heard here and there but never really paid attention to and suddenly, it's really getting to me.  I love when that happens!  It happens with the Word of God, also.  I may have read a scripture 100 times (literally) and suddenly it has new meaning or I see it's true meaning.  There is a time for everything, after all...


I don't know what to do with this blog but just post the lyrics to Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real.  Sorry if any lyrics are wrong, I just copied and pasted from a lyrics site.   But the gist and overall feeling of the song is what I'm talking about.  Specifically "whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace."  2011 has been my internal chaos.  2012 is bringing the peace.  Chaos because I'm finally learning who God is and IT IS INTENSE.  Intensity has always been bad for me.  It was hard to step back and say "oh, ok this is intense but in a good way."  That was the chaos part.  The peace part will be taking what I've learned and feeling Him leading me, quieting me with His love and then walking in that knowledge.  (ssshhh, I don't want to do it...I'm scared so I'm going to need that peace more than I need air)


2011 was a year that we had to walk away from a church where Isaac had been his entire life and where I had been my entire spiritual life.  It was so hard because we didn't feel led to leave, we just felt so obviously called to Celebration.  We felt a little torn, but the calling to Celebration was SO strong that it hit us before we even walked in the door.  So many things happened this year that were hard for us that I can see God's timing in this.  He knew we needed to be with the spiritual family He had for us NOW before these things came to pass. I thank Him (like, on my knees thankful) that He made it so obvious and the transition so easy.  We needed to be with them when our walls started to crumble.  We needed to be at THIS church starting in January of 2011 and put all of our passion, talents, love, into this part of the body of Christ.  


I don't know where to go from here, but I never do.  Sometimes you don't see the direction you're supposed to walk (or run) until you're in the middle of the fork in the road and you have no more steps before you have to make a decision.  BUT KEEP WALKING until it's clear. NEVER stop moving.  (Also, it's never too late to turn around.) You can wait on His voice while you're walking in the general direction.  And if you don't know the general direction, do what you know is right and good.  Be a good person, help out and smile :)  So many times we hear salvation and knowing God isn't about being a good person, and it's not...what it's ALL about.  It's about surrender, forgiveness, love, passion, purpose, reflection, righteousness, a ton of other stuff and...goodness.  Jesus is good.  And to be Christ-like we need to be good.  So don't leave that part out because you hear so many times that's not what it's all about.  


Ok that blog just went out of control like they all do.  Here are the lyrics.  Maybe they'll speak to you, too?  Any questions about Celebration Church, you can find at celebratesomethingreal.com or by asking me.  I've never been in a place so intent on loving you (whether you want it or not) and serving.  Serving Christ, the community, members of the family, people they don't know, people who are hateful toward them.  Love and serve.  Wow.  


It's time for healing time to move on 
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong 
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me 
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To... 

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
TIME TO BREATHE IN AND LET EVERYTHING OUT
THAT I'VE WANTED TO SAY FOR SO MANY YEARS
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me 
It feels like chaos but now I can see 
This something bigger than me 
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house 
Time breathe in and let everything out