A confession about my worship

For a while now, I've been recognizing that my worship is very selfish.  I know enough to know that worship should never be described with the word "self" anywhere near it.  I've just been at a loss at what to do about it.  

If I had a bad week, I'd hold back (which is the opposite for some).  Not out of anger at God, just relying on my feelings (because THEY'VE never led me wrong...I hope you caught that sarcasm).  I'd retreat into my self and pray "help ME"  So, worship was about my experience that week.   If I had a good or amazing week, I'd worship as normal.   While I've been learning a ton about biblical joy, I'm still not great at going through something hard and still exuding that joy.  But I'm growing in that and learning.  

So, today I decided to worship TO God as literally as I could make that happen.  I decided to visualize Him the whole time as if I was standing face to face with my Creator, thanking Him, praising Him for no other reason than that He was God.  And that's more than enough.  I wanted to worship Him in the satisfaction of that alone.  

I thought I would imagine myself at His feet.  God.  Robed, white-haired, all of that vision.  Clouds, whatever.   I know He's so much more than that and that's sometimes a childhood vision, but I need pictures in my head and that's what I was going to use.  

But, what I saw was so different. I couldn't make my mind see anything else.  

It was Jesus (I know, still God), kneeling with His hands raised.  He was weeping without tears.  I can't even come to terms with that image.  

It reminded me that the kingdom of God is so opposite from what we expect.  The first are last, the master is the servant, the servant a King.  It blows me away.   I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORSHIPING YOU, what are you doing Jesus?  You look like YOU are worshiping.  I thought God would be, like, petting my head or something as I bowed at His feet.  One of my favorite visuals I have of scripture is Jesus (God) praying to Himself on my behalf.  This reminded me of that.  

But how do I worship that?  How do I worship something bowed down already?  Can I get lower?  

At the end of worship, Pastor Steve asked us all to raise our hands and he reminded us that it's a sign of surrender (I just love that because some people get so freaked out at church's where people worship with more than song, they worship with their bodies, but it's not scary...it's just surrender).  

That's what Jesus was doing while I worshiped Him.  Surrendering.  What?  I just don't know what to think at this point.  Lately, my hands have been lifting up high when I feel it most in the music.  As if I'm worshiping worship.  I have to be careful about this (I already knew this). I'm such a worship music junky that it becomes about the music and the words and the flow instead about God.  I don't need to raise my hands when I feel I should or in spite of not feeling good.  It's about surrender.  Not what I look like or how I feel.  About Him.  

All I know is I'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG.  That's ok, I just need to change my focus.  My worship cannot be circumstantial.  If my focus is half on Him and half on me, then none is on Him.  Try to figure out that math.  Another reminder about the kingdom not being how we do it on earth.  And thank God for that.  

During service, Pastor Steve said "The reality of Jesus Christ is not having a good church service with good programs and what amounts to a social club.  The standard should be, 'are you satisfied with Him ONLY?'"  

My biggest prayer right now is HELP ME WANT THAT, LORD!  Then, he gave me a saying that will help remind me.  "Lord I'm not that...but I want that."  What other relationship compares with the one we have with our Father?  Who could you go to on earth and say, "I don't want you...but I want to want you?"  You'd get a slap in the face or never spoken to again.  Hurt feelings all around! Yet, God wants that transparency in us.  He can work with that.  

I want to want You.  I want to worship you because You're You.  It may look different every week, but my focus is You.

Pastor Steve then went on to talk about how we love the IDEA of God and the IDEA of loving the unloveable, but we don't love executing it.  Same idea with my worship.  Worship is such an amazing experience for me, but I don't want an experience.  I just want God, not the IDEA of worshiping Him.  

So, those are things that I'll be thinking about.  Feel free to pray for me.  Today sort of wrecked me.  In an it'll-be-all-good way.  And the sermon.  Dear Lord.  LOOK FOR JUNE 23RD, 2013's podcast.    Not rereading this blog too much, just posting my thoughts.  

Game of Thorns: Paul/Thorns/Muscles/Superman

My weakness is needed in order to find strength.  Well how convenient..for me.  

Power from weakness.  

Rest  

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This verse changed my life one day.  I mean chayyyyyynged it. I was praying over a close friend's mom who was in the Cleveland Clinic and looking for scriptures that would "fix" it ya know? Make her feel more at peace, give her hope, show them both that everything would be ok when I just felt helpless... And I found the scripture above, which I had read before but somehow had not seen. I read it and moved on.  I was hanging up clothes an hour later when I realized I was singing a song by Shane and Shane called His Grace is Sufficient.  Suddenly in song form, I heard from my own voice something I'd never seen while reading.  

His power is perfected where? MY WEAKNESS. 

Wait...WHAT?

My weakness is not only expected, but needed in order for his power to be PERFECTED. It did so much for me, more than I can type here, but it was my "life changing/perspective changing" scripture. I think we all have one. And it came when I was looking for someone else.  

Out of nowhere...God.  

Today, I saw the first part of the verse. Something else I've heard a million times but today I'm connecting it with my weakness. "My grace is sufficient for you." 

His grace (favor/covering)

is sufficient (enough/adequate)

for me (because of) His power (capability/command)

when I am weak (not strong; liable to yield, break or collapse under pressure; lacking)  

So, to sum that madness up, I'd say 

Christ's favor in our life is enough for us because He's more than capable to lead us.  But this can only come when we are yielding to Him, willing to break, willing to collapse under Him.   

I can handle that.  Although we live in a culture (American) that has told us over and over to be strong.  Hang in there.  You can do it.  But, that is destroying us because WE CAN'T DO IT. We can't do anything in our own strength. It feels almost like weakness means we aren't doing our part for God, but this scripture tells me that I don't have a part.  Which sort of sounds offensive, but no friend, it's so liberating!  Liberating in Him! 

I've been hearing over and over everywhere I listen and look, even on accident.  Do it in HIS strength.  Trust, peace, fight, live, whatever in His strength, and what I'm realizing all over again is that the only way I can do that is to become weak.  

Weak. To loosen my grip on the sword, so that He can move my arm. I'm still holding the sword, true, but God is directing which way I swing it AND He's the muscle that's holding my arm up.  (I'm thinking sword because that's where we've been in Ephesians at church...The Word is the sword...and what I just now realized is that "sword" is "word" with an S...which for Superman means "hope"...ok that's a stretch but it was fun!  hahahaha)   

So that brings us to the last part...the part I've never thought about at all.   His power RESTS upon us. God's capability and strength and command over everything rests, falls down upon us.  Honestly that one is too new to me to even write about.  I can't wrap my mind around it.  Technically I know what it means, but how to apply it in my life...I have no idea. I think it must take a lot of practice. 

So, because that scripture up there begins with the word "but" I know I need more context, so I checked out what came before what came above.  Here it is: 

⁶ though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. ⁷ So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 

Don't BOAST about the good things in our life, even if it comes from a good place.  Even if it's technically a testimony.  This is confusing because our testimonies are so important (think Revelation 12:11)   But for Paul, he was at such risk of making it about Him that He refrained from doing it. I think we can take a lesson from that.  Think before you speak.  

Is this really glorifying God?  Or does this glorify us even a little?  

In fact when I was looking up scripture about how important it is to have a testimony to prove to you that it's needed, that you still need to give it.  I found more about how The Spirit testifies than how we should.  I'll have to think on that one... 

The next part that rocked my world and should also rock yours is this line: "that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me"  If we would all think this way and live in it, more love would be shown.  I shouldn't want anyone to think MORE OF ME than what he sees God doing in and through my life.  Humbling.  

It was so important to God that Paul not behave in a way that was all about him, that He gave Paul a "thorn." Or at least didn't take that person away.  It was someone to harass him.  How many of you have someone who is your thorn?  Maybe it's because God wants to protect you from yourself.  From becoming conceited.  Maybe you should thank God for that person instead of constantly complaining.

Hello Courtney, nice to meet you.  This is conviction calling.

Stop asking for that thorn to be removed and thank God for the protection it's providing.  Who knows what may happen out of that.

So all of that warning from Paul about becoming conceited and living out the Word to lead into the "but..." 

God, THREE times I've pleaded with You, please take this thorn away...

...But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

and Verse 10

 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So, in your struggles...with your thorns...be weak.  (and don't go attaching guilt to it, ya hear?)

Listen to above song

Peace...I think I'm doing it wrong.

1. I keep adding words where I need to simplify in this entry and I'm sorry, I can't stop.

2. I'm not going to make you work for the point of this.  It's a HUGE revelation that, while it seems simple, rocked my world a few days ago.  You'll find it down there in the blog, too, but I want you to see it now before you read because I'm having a really hard time putting this into words and maybe if you know the point of the blog, it will help.

***

I just realized that peace is not my destination, nor something I am born equipped with. We can ask for God's peace.  We just can't be trusted with our own.  We can have HIS peace only.  His.  We aren't even capable of it ourselves.

***

It seems so simple. So simple that it makes me feel funny for even writing about it, but for whatever reason I have never fully grasped this.  That I don't have peace, there is none within me.  I think I've always felt inadequate or guilty for that, like I was missing something so many others had so easily (seemingly...).  But none of us have it.  So, here are some of my notes regarding this...

I think the reason my journey feels so chaotic and off track sometimes is because I'm always looking for peace as the end place, the destination. A place where I can stop and say I've made it, I've figured life out.  NOW I can live out my purpose. The problem is, we never find it because that's impossible.  So if we seek peace only we'll always feel like failures and we'll never get started.

God's will for us is to always get started where we are. He doesn't need us to run a race ourselves and prove ourselves worthy. He isn't waiting at the finish line of the race we've set up, with a goal time based on ideas we have on what means finished. (psst guess what?  We wouldn't invite anyone else to run in the race anyway, we'd be running it against ourself and our own ideas of what "fast" is).

He doesn't wait for OUR race to be over so HIS race for us can begin. 

The end of the race comes only at...the end. Not the middle. It comes with death and that's the only tape we'll ever burst through. Whether we fall or rise depends on which race we've run.

Ours or His. 

God says he'll give us peace...not that peace is what we should seek as our goal in life. He also promises troubles. And then He encourages us to take heart. Not take every advantage to stop and think we've arrived at our beginning.   

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We'll never arrive. Ever. Not on earth anyway. We WILL achieve perfect, unending peace but it will be in Heaven. And we should be thankful for that. If we felt perfect peace here on earth what would we need Jesus for?  We NEED to need Him.  We NEED to want to reside with Him in Heaven.  

So the more we seek peace as our goal instead of Jesus (who will give peace but not let us live there) the more frustrated we'll get. We'll feel like failures. 

I don't want peace to be what I strive for, I want it to be a relationship with Jesus and giving Him glory.  But, I have to remind myself of that often.

What's cool, is that we can ask for HIS peace. We just can't be trusted with our own.  WOW, my mind is blown. We can have HIS peace ONLY. Like on loan.  But we'll have to keep coming back to Him to get it. Keep seeking Him. He wants us to seek Him so maybe that's why he holds the peace. We can't get it without Him.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

GOD'S yoke is easy.  GOD'S burden is light.  But we have to come to Him to get it.  Here is another example of His requirement for us to approach Him and how we receive HIS peace.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9

So this is saying talk to God (prayer), be thankful, TELL Him what we need and THEN the peace of God will GUARD our hearts.  We have to continually do this and think on things that are good.  We have to live in that.  I know how good we are at this (not very) so that tells me along with the other verse that says "come to me" that it's something we do daily (hourly).

Maybe parents mimic God in this way...an instinct we have. We hold onto something we know our kids need because they are busy and we like to know they need us.  We like to have a piece of something they need so it will feel like they need US, not that thing.  It's definitely not a pure way of doing things like God, but somewhere deep inside we have that same need that He does.  Interaction.  The need for thankfulness.  He made us in His image after all...

Except we do it to satisfy something within ourselves as parents, God does it out of pure love for His children.  

I always wanted His peace because I figured it was so much better than my own.  A better option.

But I was wrong. So wrong. 

I have NOTHING when it comes to peace. I can't even achieve it. I never had ANY to begin with. It was always from Him. I am empty. He is full.  But, I can access it anytime I just have to approach my father.

His peace wasn't "better" because there was nothing to compare it to.  

So, let's look at the other side.  What if God gave us a full portion of peace at the beginning?  We'd waste it away like the prodigal son. We'd abuse it. We can't be trusted.  So what do we do when we can't trust ourselves?  Trust Him. Recognize He holds the peace.  Go to Him.  DON'T FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU NEED PEACE.  It doesn't mean you're a bad child, it means you have the opportunity to approach your Father and receive what you need. That's amazing!

I knowwwwwwwwww this was repetitive and when I read it, it doesn't even really sound like my writing, but I don't know how else to do it.  Even the grammar and sentence structure is off.  The more I try to explain it, the more messy it sounds and the less I feel like I'm getting the point across.  Maybe you've already gotten it and I'm just throwing it at you for nothing.  BUT, I needed to get it.  I needed to feel this revelation and so that's fine.  I wish so much I finished this blog entry and felt...peace.  hahahahahaha, I swear I just thought that.  Aaaaah Courtney, do you learn nothing, child?????   PEACE IS NOT A FEELING YOU GET.

While writing this blog, this song has been on repeat, for whatever reason, so I thought I'd share.  Please open your heart while you listen and let the peace of God be made known to you.  Melt in His peace, get to know what that feels like.  

I can't believe motherhood is so hard...a weird blog for mothers day

*warning: this blog will likely be semi-incoherent

Motherhood involves so much...stuff. And the emotions. OH GEEZ!

In no other place would we be expected to take such constant button-pushing and not push back. Oh and the kicker????? The more aggravated YOU are, the more aggravated and agitated and hot messy THEY are. So you're expected to be calm throughout the chaos of all of this. And if you want them to be productive, giving members of society who know and serve God with a loving spirit...you have to SHOW them. Pressure? Yeah. IT'S SO HARD!

It's hard...and not all baby toes and Johnson and Johnson commercials. Today we had more meltdowns and drama than on a normal day. On Mother's Day (it probably felt even worse because of some sense of entitlement...thanks Hallmark). At one point Zoe screamed "WHY DO BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME ON MOTHER'S DAY???". Ummm, say what?

But it's like God spikes the good moments with a super concentrated baby lotion potion of pure love and contentment so that it holds us over a little through the hard times.

And it's hard. If it's not I want to say "you're doing it wrong." So it's ok. Even on Mother's Day when all you see are the nano seconds of happiness in pictures on Facebook.

The end.
I still love my kids.
I'm going to bed.

Not everything that is permissible is wise (boys, dogs, eating tp and a baby in a toilet)

I was almost asleep around 11pm one night a few weeks ago when this conversation with myself was going through my head. I sat up and knew I had to write it out.  I had forgotten about it until just now, so I've come back to reassess it.  That's how my blog works.  Sometimes they flow out of me almost as if they've already been written and sometimes they take a while to take shape.  (Isn't that just a good metaphor for how God works, in general?)  I have drafts from over a year ago that may never get written and may be born in a year.  Who knows.  Alright, here goes...

Not everything that is permissible is wise.

We spend so much of our time fighting for our freedoms and causes in order to do and be who we want that I feel we forget what we're fighting for.  Sometimes we just end up fighting to have the most well-spoken, airtight argument. Fighting to win. 

Oh wait, why were we fighting again? Oh that's right, I wanna win.

I read this idea in a book once, I'll paraphrase.  It was Steven James (of course, my fave).  Imagine two ways to eat cereal (I choose the ultra healthy Golden Crisp with the mascot "Sugar Bear").  

**The 1st way, you open the box, peel open the plastic, pour the cereal and milk into a bowl and eat it with a spoon.   

**The 2nd way, you eat the box surrounding the cereal first. Then eat the plastic. Then, you move onto the cereal.

Is the 2nd way legal? Yes. Can anyone stop you? No. But is it wise?  Not sah much.  Can you even IMAGINE the stomach problems that would arise from this?  

I started thinking about this when I realized that I can't seem to respond on anyone's posts on Facebook. I'm a wimp.  I'm too worried that-even when just expressing my opinion-the poster will be so busy crafting their rebuttal they won't even hear me. It turns into a battleground and suddenly I'm wearing fatigues and my typing thumbs become swords.

WAIT! I didn't sign up for this! 

But, I sorta did when deciding to hit "enter" on a comment, which is why I've just stopped for a long time on anything that isn't surface level.  When did we become a community that gets angry simply because someone disagrees with us? Anger anger anger.  I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.  Yeah...but, why would you want to be?

So I don't often say anything and I'm ok with that most of the time. It's too worrisome waiting for a reply that I'm scared will prove they've taken what I said the wrong way.  I imagine that reply, then imagine what I'd type back, then imagine imagine imagine.  I"ll just keep posting pics of half naked 4 year olds wearing puppies.  

Chill haters, he's got on undies under all that fur.  

Except... sometimes God directs me to say something, I can feel it in my very being, and I just...don't say it.  Even if it's not negative. If I can think my way around it to find how it can be taken in a negative way, I disobey.  And I hate it...

But really, y'all are grown, right?  I don't even think I give you enough credit to hear what I have to say without assuming I'm thumping the life out of you with the bible or trying to shove Jesus down your throat or judging you harshly.  So many of you don't share my views on a lot of things and are so respectful (even when I mess up.)  I'm appreciative of that.  Truly.  

Pastor Steve once taught on Ephesians 4:26-27 which is "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil."  He focused on "be angry AND DO NOT sin."  Anger is ok. Righteous anger.  So what is righteous anger?  Ok, geez, he's going to kill me because I sort of forgot WHY this is (something to do with a greek word??), but I know he said when anger accompanies something akin to sadness, it's righteous anger.  You have to want the other person's ways to change FOR THEIR BENEFIT, not so you can be right or so you can throw the answer to all of their problems in their face.  Dear Father in Heaven and Pastor Steve...sorry, I really butchered that.  

So, here is how I become angry. The foothold. Reading word after word, quote after quote from people I barely know and crafting responses in my head and feeling proud of my view and imagining maybe changing their angry hearts and... 

ENOUGH!!!!!

What am I doing???  No offense but I have to stop reading. You have just as much a right to post it as I do not to read it, so it's cool.  I'm never going to get angry at someone for just posting something.  It's your right.  

Even if you aren't taking responsibilities for your words and quotes and ideas.   Even when you're making fun of people on welfare with E-cards and HATING the president that God says to pray for and respect (1 Timothy 1-4 and even if he is truly your enemy, God says to pray for him too in Matthew 5:44).  Even when you post pictures of aborted babies and make fun of Star Wars and post every scripture you can to back up why you should hate gay marriage.  Even when you post pictures of quotes from a group called "Democrats against Republicans" or the opposite, and prove over and over to the world why your ooey gooey marriage is making you happy, or posting pic after pic of your toddler reading Jane Eyre and The Great Gatsby and pretending to not be too proud, while the rest of us are busy digging legos out of poop and making sure our toddlers aren't putting dolls in the toilet and eating toilet paper (wow, my kids mess with the toilet a LOT).  

And who the heck KNOWS what I do on Facebook that is driving everyone nuts.  I'm sure I have TONS of people who hide me.  (I wish I could say "i don't care" but if I knew who hid me, I'd be really sad and over think it, so just don't tell me)

Ok, ok, I need to calm down.  See where this line of thinking takes me?  In conclusion... (and you can apply this to life, actual conversations!  What are those?  I remember having them a couple of years ago...I think it's when you call people and have dinner together and (gasp!) answer the phone.)

Is what you're posting wise? Does it promote the greater good or does it only promote an agenda filled with misinformation and assumptions and fear-mongering?  PLEASE be accountable for what you post.  It's so easy on FB to be the person you are not in real life because you don't feel as accountable online.  There aren't living, breathing bodies in front of you to take the brunt of your words, just pictures. If people don't agree?  Eh, delete what they say.  If they come against you?  DUKE IT OUT, IT'S FUN!  But, then you start liking it and worse, getting used to it.  

We were never meant to like it.  

(Psalms 37:8, Proverbs 15:18) 

And even if you take all of the scriptures out of this post, even if you don't believe in the God who breathed these words into existence, take the message anyway.  (In fact, the same can be said about the book of Proverbs, but I shant compare myself to Solomon).  

Is what you're reading when you get on Facebook wise? Does it promote the greater good or does it only promote an agenda filled with misinformation and assumptions and fear-mongering?  You can look away, ya know (Courtney, I'm talking to you)...

We're both accountable.  Posters and readers.  Let's seek wisdom.  Let's love our Facebook neighbor as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31)

I am the main culprit here, let's make that clear.  If no one else gets anything from this, I will because I know I can't make you believe this, but when a blog comes out of me like this, I have no problem not taking credit because IT'S GOD.  I think in the future we'll be able to look back at when Facebook became really popular and it'll have a name...an age when blah blah blah happened and society quit caring as much for one another and quit having human contact.  The Nah Nah Nah Boo Boo Age or something.

I really do (obviously) like Facebook and think it has proven to have so many positive traits and there are so many ways to actually KEEP in contact with it, it's just limitless.   But, I have to ask myself, why am I on earth?  My answer is to glorify God. 

(http://www.gotquestions.org/purpose-of-life.html is a good resource for finding your purpose in The Word. Better than I can do here.)  

So, when I use words, decide to open my mouth, type out a response, I need to ask myself is this glorifying to God?  

How we chose our new daughter's name

I saw the meaning of the name before I saw the name. I'd never considered it. But it kept creeping up. No names were sticking and I kept saying it out loud and asking Isaac what he thought (he loved it). I asked mom (she loved it). They LOVED it. I LOVED it. It felt...right.

I just knew on Easter and announced it to the family.

After months of loving the meaning I thought it meant something like "grace" but I was wrong. There are different meanings to this name, but what I wrote down was "freedom" and "peaceful". I saw this AFTER we'd decided on her name.

The meaning "freedom" really stuck out. Mere months ago, after two years of searching, the chains fell off and I found freedom. From everything. From my past, from assumptions, from issues I STILL have, from me. Freedom has been such a part of my journey and I accidentally named my daughter something that means "freedom"? On Easter? Really, God??? Sometimes He blows me away...

Suddenly all worries of "will this name get crazy popular because it could get trendy?" became ridiculous. Who cares? This is her name. My daughter.

We will welcome Willow Gracen in late summer. 

(picture from a bracelet that Zoe is making)

What also got me was the description of a Willow Tree.

"Willow trees are known for their grace, flexibility and resilience". 

Resilience. "an ability to recover from or adjust easily to or change" Yes. I want that for all of my children.

I imagine... the branches swaying beneath whatever the wind throws at them but never breaking. Resilience.

I imagine... the lyrics "loves like a hurricane I am the tree. Bending beneath the weight of your wind and mercy" 

Resilience.

I imagine... gracefulness. A dancer, maybe? A painter?  I can't wait to see.

As for Gracen, it's my mom's favorite name and it seemed to fit the meaning so well.

Freedom. Peace. Resilience. Grace.

The meanings of our kids' names are very important to us (not that it has to be for everyone).  Zoe is "life",  Asher means "happy and blessed."  Now Willow with "peaceful and freedom." If we had to sum up the legacy of our childrens' names in a sentence, it would be:

A happy and blessed LIFE full of peaceful freedom.  

Shut me up

As with all my blogs I started writing about one thing and ended on another. That is my writing flaw on anything longer than one paragraph. Flow...continuity. 

 Bear with me.

I realized today that I need to grow thicker skin. That means taking what people say/write (in response to me especially) sift through it for useful info and throw out the rest.  After-all,  that person has just as much of a right to say/write what they do as I have. I just need to learn to hear/read it and then move on.

But I'm a weenie.

While some people thrive on debate and heated conversation, I wither.

Sometimes I KNOW I should post something, even if it's sort of silly, but am so scared of how people may take it that I don't do it. Even when I'm just trying to be funny.  Even when I feel God is saying "write."  

It's why I try. I SWEAR TO YOU, readers, I try to only post as the Spirit leads.

Because either way if someone even politely disagrees I'm a sweaty, heart pounding MESS hoping and praying I respond in a respectful way that makes my Heavenly Father proud and makes the reader not feel attacked in anyway. I don't want to be proud of my wit, I want respectful conversation.  I usually end up having the conversation in my head while taking a shower and feel pretty proud of how I could have responded.  Yeah.  

So imagine when people are just jerks because they can be and argue for fun. I become a mess. Thank goodness I don't deal with that very often. 

But sometimes God calls us to be the unpopular voice of truth. I gotta be honest. I hate that calling. I don't want to be that.

The good thing is, though, that when I know my words are given by the Spirit at least I can be confident, no matter the lash back, I was meant to say/write those words.

I'm on Facebook a lot (as you know) and so I have times when I feel like I talk about God too much or I get scared that I'm shoving him down people's throats.  Both feelings one should NOT ignore.  In the midst of those feelings,  I need the reassurance that NO MATTER my feelings, I don't live by those. I live by the Spirit's urges and nudges. If I didn't know that, I could never post anything.  So, that is why I try really hard to post as the Spirit directs.  

(Let me say here, I don't give readers/responders enough credit. They're grown, they can ignore/hide me if they please right? But I have a certain responsibility to live the Word of God for those not reading it. I don't take that lightly)

It's not just the spiritual stuff but the daily goings on in my life. Is what I'm saying glorifying God in my life? Can people see the joy of the Lord that is within me in the midst of my Facebook post about morning sickness and Asher peeing off the porch and Zoe slamming her bedroom door and sobbing because I didn't listen to her "right"? 

 I hope so.

I miss the mark. Probably more often than I know, but we all do that. As we listen to His leading we'll get to know His voice and it'll be harder and harder to push it behind the voices of people, the media, Facebook, twitter, mom groups, evangelists, my own Pastor.

None of the above is my God, yet I've made them that -probably at points all- in the same day.

Lord, forgive me.

Help me.

I want my life to be a bright shining beacon for the lost. And not because of what I'm doing but bc of what You're doing in me. YOU ONLY.

Be. My. Words.

Invade my life.

Please.

Because I'm not strong enough to fight off technology and my fears. Sometimes. Most times. Always?

Be my strength.

Be my response.

Shut me up so I can speak only what is important.

I don't want to be yet another person in a long line of white noise.