A confession about my worship

For a while now, I've been recognizing that my worship is very selfish.  I know enough to know that worship should never be described with the word "self" anywhere near it.  I've just been at a loss at what to do about it.  

If I had a bad week, I'd hold back (which is the opposite for some).  Not out of anger at God, just relying on my feelings (because THEY'VE never led me wrong...I hope you caught that sarcasm).  I'd retreat into my self and pray "help ME"  So, worship was about my experience that week.   If I had a good or amazing week, I'd worship as normal.   While I've been learning a ton about biblical joy, I'm still not great at going through something hard and still exuding that joy.  But I'm growing in that and learning.  

So, today I decided to worship TO God as literally as I could make that happen.  I decided to visualize Him the whole time as if I was standing face to face with my Creator, thanking Him, praising Him for no other reason than that He was God.  And that's more than enough.  I wanted to worship Him in the satisfaction of that alone.  

I thought I would imagine myself at His feet.  God.  Robed, white-haired, all of that vision.  Clouds, whatever.   I know He's so much more than that and that's sometimes a childhood vision, but I need pictures in my head and that's what I was going to use.  

But, what I saw was so different. I couldn't make my mind see anything else.  

It was Jesus (I know, still God), kneeling with His hands raised.  He was weeping without tears.  I can't even come to terms with that image.  

It reminded me that the kingdom of God is so opposite from what we expect.  The first are last, the master is the servant, the servant a King.  It blows me away.   I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORSHIPING YOU, what are you doing Jesus?  You look like YOU are worshiping.  I thought God would be, like, petting my head or something as I bowed at His feet.  One of my favorite visuals I have of scripture is Jesus (God) praying to Himself on my behalf.  This reminded me of that.  

But how do I worship that?  How do I worship something bowed down already?  Can I get lower?  

At the end of worship, Pastor Steve asked us all to raise our hands and he reminded us that it's a sign of surrender (I just love that because some people get so freaked out at church's where people worship with more than song, they worship with their bodies, but it's not scary...it's just surrender).  

That's what Jesus was doing while I worshiped Him.  Surrendering.  What?  I just don't know what to think at this point.  Lately, my hands have been lifting up high when I feel it most in the music.  As if I'm worshiping worship.  I have to be careful about this (I already knew this). I'm such a worship music junky that it becomes about the music and the words and the flow instead about God.  I don't need to raise my hands when I feel I should or in spite of not feeling good.  It's about surrender.  Not what I look like or how I feel.  About Him.  

All I know is I'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG.  That's ok, I just need to change my focus.  My worship cannot be circumstantial.  If my focus is half on Him and half on me, then none is on Him.  Try to figure out that math.  Another reminder about the kingdom not being how we do it on earth.  And thank God for that.  

During service, Pastor Steve said "The reality of Jesus Christ is not having a good church service with good programs and what amounts to a social club.  The standard should be, 'are you satisfied with Him ONLY?'"  

My biggest prayer right now is HELP ME WANT THAT, LORD!  Then, he gave me a saying that will help remind me.  "Lord I'm not that...but I want that."  What other relationship compares with the one we have with our Father?  Who could you go to on earth and say, "I don't want you...but I want to want you?"  You'd get a slap in the face or never spoken to again.  Hurt feelings all around! Yet, God wants that transparency in us.  He can work with that.  

I want to want You.  I want to worship you because You're You.  It may look different every week, but my focus is You.

Pastor Steve then went on to talk about how we love the IDEA of God and the IDEA of loving the unloveable, but we don't love executing it.  Same idea with my worship.  Worship is such an amazing experience for me, but I don't want an experience.  I just want God, not the IDEA of worshiping Him.  

So, those are things that I'll be thinking about.  Feel free to pray for me.  Today sort of wrecked me.  In an it'll-be-all-good way.  And the sermon.  Dear Lord.  LOOK FOR JUNE 23RD, 2013's podcast.    Not rereading this blog too much, just posting my thoughts.