Words Fail Me by Courtney Hutchinson : Willow's birth story

I'm coming back up to say that after I wrote this, I realized I never intended to write so much before I actually got to the actual birth story. The birth story starts after the *** below. Also, I never meant to write so much, period. Geez

Let me just start this out by saying that I love being pregnant. I love labor and delivery and breastfeeding. I was so sad that after Asher I wouldn't get that opportunity again because we were "done." I talked about being a surrogate. I never dealt with morning sickness (just food aversions and some mild nauseau for three weeks with Ash) or a lot else a lot of pregnant women have to deal with. I feel more at home in my body and more confident when pregnant than any other time. I feel like I just glow from within.

That being said...

Aside from feeling confident with my body, Willow's pregnancy was hard. HARD. The intense morning sickness lasted until around week 20 and it was worse because I just wasn't expecting it. I was on multiple medications for the last 2 trimesters, had to deal with repercussions from those, I had kidney stones and infections. For the first time in a pregnancy, I had a hemiplegic migraine (actually 2) and I couldn't take medication for them. For around six weeks in the beginning of my 3rd trimester, I felt such a deep depression followed by anxiety (which wasn't altogether new...that sort of happened to a lesser degree with Ash's pregnancy and I had a long bout with post partum depression after Zoe was born).

The week we found out I was pregnant, we also signed on our new house. Timing... The day after we moved most of our boxes and stuff in, the morning sickness hit. I just didn't know it could be so bad. It all seemed like terrible timing. Isaac had to do IT ALL after we had things moved in. He worked day and night on the house and day and night at work (he works swings). I felt guilty, the kids were in a new place, it was just messy.

So, all that to say I was really looking forward to labor and delivery. I was obsessed with collecting preemie clothes because with my other two I was so unprepared. (This time she was too long to fit in most of the things I had, which is a great problem to have) I had my bags packed at 33 weeks and in the car because I had never made it far enough in a pregnancy to have bags packed and ready. I joked that because my other labors were so fast that this one would probably take forever since the pregnancy was so different. I was wrong. Sort of...

So, a little bit about my other two births. In short, I knew nothing about what I wanted with Zoe, it was an induction that I didn't question at 35 weeks (I was maybe in early labor anyway but the induction was due to "low fluid"), I got the epidural at 3cm and at 7cm I could feel a lot from my belly button down. The doctor wasn't there yet and they expected me to push for awhile, but her head was just there. They made me stop pushing. Yep. MADE ME STOP PUSHING! Literally pushed my legs together and turned me on my side. She was 5 weeks early and we were banking her cord blood, so I guess they wanted the doctor there. Anyway, doc got there, I pushed once and she came out.

With Asher, I knew what I wanted. I had a different set of doctors. When labor started at 36 weeks, I labored all night at home and went to the hospital where I was 4cm and dilated a cm an hour until Asher just came out. The doctor pushed my leg back to push and he just came out. It. Was. Awesome.

With Willow, I went in at 34 weeks with contractions that rivaled Asher's at 8cm. One to two minutes apart, very intense and they were lasting about a minute. They showed up on the monitor as being huge and I was scared. I didn't want her here that early, but the pain was so bad I sort of just forgot. They checked me and I was 1cm dilated. ONE. So, I figured ok, in an hour or so I'll probably be 4 and I'll know it's real.

One hour later, contractions worse, 1cm. This taught me a lot. "False labor" isn't just NOT knowing what a contraction is. It's your body preparing for labor and IT. CAN. HURT. So, they gently sent me home and the contractions stopped around midnight. From there on out, I would have moments like that that lasted around four hours. I couldn't walk or talk, I just had to contract and breathe and hypno birth and whatever else got me through. I'd say that happened 1-2 times per week, so I know it could have been worse but I feel like I labored for 5 weeks y'all! Also, after the "false labor" the next day I lost my mucus plug. FIVE WEEKS before I gave birth. So there's another lesson for you. It doesn't necessarily mean labor is coming anytime between losing that and two weeks. From 34 weeks until I gave birth, sore doesn't even do justice what I felt. Her head was so low, everything seemed ready except...Willow wasn't.

You cannot plan labor. I knew that, but living it was hard. Harder than I imagined.

***

Ok, so Willow's birth. I was 39 weeks and 2 days. FAST AND FURIOUS! Fast was the awesome part, right? Furious...not so much at the time.

At 8:00am after Isaac had taken the kids to school, I sneezed four times while watching The Today Show and felt the first contraction. I called him to see where he was because it felt more like a cramp so I wasn't sure. He came inside immediately (he was cleaning out the car) and by that time I was halfway up the steps to change clothes, I was clinging to the banister. We called my mom to fill her in and she was going to wait to hear from us. From that moment, it literally didn't stop hurting until she was out. Not just contraction pain, though. There was no build up, climax and settling down. It was out of control from the first second and I just wish I would have planned for that. Well, not that anyone could have planned for that...I just wish I would have known labor could be like that. That's why I'm telling you, not to scare you but to let you know that labor can look different for every birth. I thought I had planned for every type of birth and outcome, but I didn't even know...

I had a birth play list ready to play, I was looking forward to breathing through contractions. But what I got was begging Isaac to run red lights and screaming "EXCUSE ME please!!!!!" to the elderly couple walking in front of our wheelchair. Isaac threw the keys at a valet guy, said "Hutchinson!" and off we went to the elevator.

I kept trying to remember all that I knew, and at first I just wasn't capable of dealing with what was going on. And so in that way, that was how I was dealing with it. Moaning and unable to follow commands. The nurses were amazing and let me just do things as I could. I couldn't take off my clothes and when they checked me I heard "she's 9 1/2...no wait...she's complete forget the gown!" I knew though. When she checked me and I didn't feel anything, oh did I know! All you pregnant/former pregnant women out there know that when your cervix is checked, YOU KNOW IT. So, I guess she was just right there.

They took my bed to the labor room from triage and it took me a long time to move from one bed to the next and the nurses just waited on me. They didn't rush me.

There was never a time I could breathe and gather my thoughts. Isaac called mom and said "they're prepping her" and my mom asked, "for what????" Isaac said, "she'll start pushing soon." So, at that point mom and Amanda (Isaac's sister/birth photographer/always in my labor room) RUSHED to the hospital (they were very close by) and barely made it for Willow's arrival. I remember hearing Amanda's tripod or something going up. Then they all started chatting and laughing about how crazy it was I was going so fast and I screamed "EVERYONE WHO JUST WALKED IN, SHUT UP!" And they did because I needed to work. (We can laugh about that now because they knew what was up.)

My body was shaking so hard that my hand was hitting the bed hard and that helped in a strange way. It was rhythmic. The next thing that happened was so weird to me. I didn't feel pressure or the need to push, but my body just started pushing. It was the only part of the experience that I felt in control of, just allowing my body to do its thing. I helped it by pushing too hehe. That was hard though. It would have been nice to feel a need to push.

They tried to get me to pull my legs back, but I just couldn't push like that, so I pushed with my feet sprawled over the stirrups and all of the nurses (I swear it felt like I had my own little gang of nurses, I don't know how many were in there but they were all awesome and so supportive) cheered me on. By this point, I was having more typical contractions. It still hurt in between but there was more of a rise and fall and at least 5-10 seconds between with a smidge less than excruciating pain where I could pull myself together, focus and remind myself what needed to be done.

I was saying very typical things like "I can't do this" and "help me" and they'd reply with "you ARE doing it, keep going!" Toward the end of pushing, a nurse said, "ok stop and breathe and do it again" and I just couldn't. Stop, that is. I could not have made my body stop pushing. It was on some sort of giving birth auto-pilot which was great! I just pushed and pushed and pushed. I don't know how many pushes it took, it all ran together. It was more than my other two births combined, which isn't all that much. Maybe like 3-5 contractions worth? Amanda guesses 10 minutes. Then...I felt her crown.

Yes, the ring of fire was upon me.

For a split second, I pictured this:

It was intense to say the least, but pushing helped. I heard someone say "look at that dark hair" and as much as I was gloriously lost in birth, it was this little spark of a reminder that I was doing it and it was almost over. As soon as her head was out, I said the most cliche birth saying EVER:

GET. HER. OUT. OF MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

And I mean, I screamed it you guys. More than once. And it felt good. I've never been a screamer during labor, but I did just then and it got me through. What felt like 10 minutes later but was maybe under a minute, she was out. They pulled up my gown and placed her on my stomach for quite some time before they even wiped her off. She was crying, I was wide eyed and I said,

"I know, I'm freaked out, too."

And it was over. I heard her cry and realized that I had forgotten that I was getting a baby at the end of this. I was shocked!

One hour and nine minutes after my first contraction at home, 32 minutes after we got to the hospital, Willow Gracen entered the world weighing 7 lbs 1oz (my biggest baby) and 20.5 inches long (longest, too).

The other two kids, I didn't feel that magical bond with right away. It came a little later, but no one told me that I might not have the weepy "THIS IS MY CHILD" hold her up like Lion King moment. Sometimes you don't and that's normal. But, I had it with Willow. She was in my heart from that first contact and the bond was sealed. It was amazing because the whole pregnancy I doubted my ability to parent three kids. I was worried I would end up letting one of them down or something, but bonding with her right away, I just knew I could do it. God knew I needed that bond and he saved it for me.

She latched on to nurse immediately and she hasn't stopped nursing since.

I can't say enough about the nurses in labor and post partum. Not once did they leave my room without asking if I needed anything and following it up with "are you sure?" They never got tired of me asking for more ice haha. I have such respect for doulas and think they aren't used enough! I feel like each of the nurses held a little piece of my would-be doula that I never hired. She just came in a different form.

So, I had a one hour labor and delivery. Didn't see that coming. We saw our pediatrician in the hallway as they were wheeling me to my room and he said "well, I heard that was easy." I flipped him off. (Ha! Love you Dr. Evans!)

The recovery was amazing. Physically and emotionally.

Since the birth, we've heard a lot of jokes about me being Superwoman and I just want to say here that we all are. No matter how you get your child: vaginally, cesarean, medicated, at home, underwater, no interventions at all, from a bio mom, from a different country... WE ARE SUPERWOMEN. And our support team (whoever they are, whatever that looks like for you) is the reason we can be.

*There is no other man ON EARTH who can fan a laboring woman like MY MAN! Nor could any one support me in the way I NEEDED to get through this and not make me think I'm crazy for wanting to go natural. I didn't even tell people that was my plan because I just didn't want to hear anything negative surrounding it. (I didn't tell them with Asher either)

*There are no two amazing kids like Zoe and Asher who just let me be sick while they ate pop tarts until I could get up and feed them better.

*There is no other mom in the world who could fight for what I needed in these births when I couldn't ask, like my mom.

*There is no other birth photographer EVER who could capture it all and not only NOT throw up, but celebrate it because these babies were hers too, like Aunt Mandy.

*There is no other fellow pregnant mama who could hear my worries and pray for me always and commiserate and encourage like Jennifer Wayne. (our due dates were 2 weeks apart, but our babies came 5 days apart)

*There is no other nurse alive who could have helped me through this birth like Cindy Jefferson, my calm place. Later when I was laughing about being so out of control she said, "you may have felt out of control but you weren't...you were doing what needed to be done." Sigh

*There is no other doctor's office I would ever choose over Drs. Lee and Assaley. And the staff? AMAZING! Both docs listened to what I had to say at every appointment, never rushed me out and even laughed with me. The nurses and staff in the office were all so sweet and never made me feel silly for calling and never rushed me off of the phone.

*There is no other friend/birth advocate/childbirth educator/La Leche League leader who could answer all of my questions and tell me I could do this years before I did, like Sarah DeGroff. I'm so blessed to know her as a friend first and a non-judgmental source for information second. Check out her page, Well Rounded Birth Prep

*There is no other church community that could have come together and surrounded me with all I needed like the one I have.

And my goodness so many more people who kept me laughing during the pregnancy, helped when I was too sick to do anything and prayed for our sanity and health. Our Care Group that meets twice a month was with me through it all and somehow woman after woman in that group kept getting pregnant, too! Haha, it was in the amazing food brought every week, I think!

However you do it, whoever is with you, YOU ARE AMAZING! Own your birth story and be proud of it.

Here are a few pictures that I haven't posted yet. Each tells a story for me

During labor. Isaac was fanning so fast you can't even see the laminated paper haha

After the belly skin to skin, we moved her up and this was that moment that I really looked at her

This was our first calm look at her after the skin to skin and initial nursing session (that hasn't really stopped yet...she came out just knowing what was up)