The Hutchinson Big Announcement!!

Last year (this was right before Asher started first grade) I was taking a shower (where all of my revelations come) and before I even knew what I was doing I prayed, "God, if you want me to do it, I will."  I don’t know how, but I knew what that meant even without the words in the prayer. 


I will homeschool Asher. 


As much as I respect homeschooling and support it, I never EVER wanted to do it.  Nor did I think I was capable. It wasn't even an option. I wanted to get my kids in school and go back to work!  THAT was the goal. The funny thing is, as much as I always respected and supported stay-at-home-moms, I never EVER wanted to be that, either.  Well, look at me now.  

A stay-at-homeschooling-mom.

God, you ARE hilarious.


I prayed that prayer, I told God I would do it and then I waited for a flashing sign saying "YES, DO IT" before I committed (typical Courtney). But I think the prayer itself was my "sign." That was it.  And looking back, do you want to know how I know I should have jumped and done it then? 




*I didn't know more food allergies were coming.  We doubled them and he had 2 anaphylactic reactions in the first week of school.

*I didn't know epilepsy was coming AT ALL. Man, THAT was a shock.  

*I didn't know binocular fusion dysfunction with eye therapy twice a week was coming.  

Those things meant the following: 


*Major anxiety about food for Asher at the beginning of the year (but his teachers let him eat in the classroom with a different friend everyday so he would feel safe which is true LOVE IN ACTION).


*Anti-seizure medication which has been increased and increased and increased which messes with his focus so much that he can't learn consistently. His brain is in chaos and the medicine amps it up and calms it down over and over. We are still learning what his epilepsy looks like. We still haven’t found his medication sweet spot and this can take a lot of time and then something like a growth spurt hits and we start all over.  We’re ready for that and we’re confident that we can handle it, but these things mean he can be moody and agitated and unable to focus.


*An increased prescription for the lenses in his glasses and vision therapy twice a week came into his life recently.  As he improves, it makes his brain relearn everything he's ever known. Over and over.

All of this meant that he was frustrated in school, he left school and went straight to vision therapy where he was frustrated in a different way and then came home to do homework where he was frustrated. Not because of the school or homework (he doesn’t have much) but because of how his conditions affect his learning, in general. Plus, he would hold it together in school well and LOSE IT on me every day. I was starting to think he needed a tutor when my brain just said:

“NO. Courtney, STOP.”

it's too much

I value education, but it isn’t going to take over our lives. I want him to run and play and have adventures and BE FREE. He can have those things while he is learning and having therapy with no extra homework (except it will all be “home” work) all at the same time.  One on one. And I can do this. It may not feel like it, but I can. Somewhere along the way I forgot that I'm smart and capable and I CAN DO HARD THINGS. 


For all of those above reasons, this would have been a great year to have had him home so that I could let his brain learn how it needed to and be hospitalized twice without missing major lessons and...yeah.  All of it.  God knew (obviously) what I did not. Even though I didn't listen, he placed Asher in the most amazing classroom anyway with awesome kids and their parents and THE MOST amazing teachers who let him spell aloud and kept in constant contact with me and let it be known that his conditions didn't scare them.  They allowed him to learn how he needed to and didn’t pressure him. They value adventure and hands-on learning. I’ll thank God for this for the rest of my life. God turned my disobedience into beauty anyway.

God covered Asher, even when I wasn't being obedient which meant He was covering me too.  He's our Father. He knew I would eventually come around.

Another thing to think about is that sickness is Asher’s biggest seizure trigger, plus he has asthma, which makes a “no big deal” sickness a “huge deal” sickness. We have to keep him well.  The last seizure he had (which was 20 minutes long and landed him in the hospital for 3 days) was due to the common cold. We aren’t going to sequester him away from the public, but this seems to be a benefit of something we’ve already decided to do.  At least this way there will be fewer germs around him.

So. 

We've told our family.  We've told the kids' school. Not everyone understands and that’s ok. Why? Because not everyone parents our children.  Isaac and I do. We listen to and appreciate our village and then we pray and make the best decisions we know to make at the time and then move on. I've have to remind myself this week that my job is not to convince people that this is the right decision.  It's just to tell them that this is what we're doing. 




This year is our experiment year.  Our year to see what happens and what is best for our children. We decided to throw Zoe in the mix to get all the benefits we can from homeschooling.  This will be great with a dad who works swing shifts!  Our schedule can work around his and we’ll see him so much more.

As a friend put it recently, we aren’t married to homeschooling. If it isn’t the best thing for our family, we’ll just change our mind for next year.  No biggie.  It’s one year out of our lives. Then…who knows. 

*shrugs shoulders* 

We aren’t afraid of making mistakes. No matter what happens, this year will not be lost. I know that somewhere deep inside I may be scared to do this, but honestly all I feel now is peace, which has to be supernatural because last year I didn't feel capable of homeschooling, nor did I want to do it. 

All that said, we have no plan.  Ha! We don’t know which curriculum we’re using for Zoe or if we’ll do a co-op this first year or anything.  We’re just jumping out in obedience and we’ll start the research process now. 

No need to tell us the first year is the hardest, believe me, we’ve read it.  We aren’t focusing on that.  We’re focusing on relearning our children, grabbing our daily bread and going out to explore the world.  It’s our rebuilding year.

I’m asking you to encourage us and not tell us that it’s fine for us but you’d never do it. You don’t know WHAT you’d do if your child had 4 separate diagnoses that all worked against one another to affect his learning (oh yeah...and tried to kill him).

I want to end with this: No matter how you choose to school your child - home, private, public, any combination of however - be open to adventure, love hard and keep learning. 

Much love, 

The least likely homeschooler of all time, Courtney Brynn Hutchinson, 35.  

WOVEN: Notes from studying Peter

These are the notes I read from when talking about Peter in Woven on 4/20/16.  

Matthew 14:22-33 Jesus and Peter walk on water

verse 22 Jesus sends his disciples out into a sea that He knows will rage

Did He cause the rage? I don’t think so.  But He knew about it. He also knew He wouldn’t let them be taken under. WE need to KNOW that about Him, too

v.23 He went away to pray

v.24 The boat went THREE MILES out into the sea.  It was beaten by waves, the wind was wild… Imagine that.  In a small unstable fishing boat. The whole time they were out there, they had to fight for survival. I wonder if they cried out to Jesus for help and didn’t hear anything the whole time they were out there.  JESUS SENT THEM INTO A STORM and then they didn’t hear from him when they called? This was RIGHT after he saw him feed 5,000 people from a loaf of bread and pieces of fish. They surely remembered this.

v.25 The “fourth watch” was between 3am and 6am.  Which means that they were battling a storm for OVER 9 HOURS. Then Jesus walks to them ON the raging sea from the directions of the storm. (He reigns over storms) not the direction of perceived safety (the shore)  

v.26 They thought Jesus was an evil spirit/ghost (which shows how human they/we are).  Why did they think this? It’s like the storm already had them in fear mode – so they saw scary instead of safety.  I think Jesus wants us to not be swayed by fear so that we recognize Him when he comes to us (to save us). To recognize what it means to be saved from a trial

v.27 Jesus’ voice is what reassures them.  He doesn’t say His name.  He says, “It is I.” They know who “I” is.

Before that he says, “take heart.”  Looked it up and it means something like “be encouraged; be confident in me; be of good cheer; be of good courage”

TAKE HEART

DO NOT TAKE FEAR

TAKE ME: I am your courage, I am your confidence, I am your cheer

v.28 Peter answers him, “it is You…” Then He tests Him even though he just said “it is You.” So like us, ya know?  Tell me to come… almost like “I dare you”

v.29 Jesus: come

Peter: came

v.30 But then Peter remembered the storm (which tells me that he forgot about it for a minute even while it was swirling around him) .  It says he “saw” the wind (fear) and IMMEDIATELY Peter sank. FEAR SANK PETER, NOT THE STORM. 

What was Peters gut response? Before his head even went below the waves, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” Before he had a chance to question again whether that was Jesus, at the deepest part of him, he cried out.

Which sounds so faithful right?  Immediately, I thought, “man I bet that’s what Jesus wants from us.”  That’s always been the point of this story for most people

v.31 But then…in verse 31 Jesus grabbed him first and responds with “you of little faith, why did you doubt?”

v.32When they get ON the boat, the storm stopped. I’ll tell you what that means toward the end

v.33 WORSHIP!!!

1. That is what happens after fear almost overtakes you and you are saved. That kind of worship makes sense

2.They worshiped TO HIM, IN HIS PRESENCE, WHILE HE WAS THERE.  We do not worship a dead God. WE, here in present time, worship TO Him, too!  Don’t forget that.  You are worshiping the same God in the same way as the disciples.  The same water walking God who let the storm rage for a long while before he grabbed onto peter.

Final thoughts:

So Jesus lets us go out beyond what we can save ourselves from.  He LETS US. In fact, when the disciples went out, Jesus went the other way and hid in order to pray.  He still walked out on that water, not only to save them, but to teach them something about themselves and Himself.  Which builds endurance and strengthens them and teaches them for when He isn’t there in the flesh.

He saves us.  He’s bigger than any storm, a storm doesn’t even touch Him. It makes me think of the line in a song, “The wind and waves still know your name”

But in what he did for the disciples, he was showing them that He wants us to have the INSTINCT to trust Him IN the storm. It’s not even good enough to doubt and then trust after like Peter.  HE WAS BUILDING INSTINCT IN THEM.  Not human instinct but Holy Spirit instinct.  It ‘s like he was building a home primed and ready for his spirit when he left.

It also shows that we need to know His voice.  His voice, not his words is what they connected to.

After: worship

These are the notes I took from the Brooklyn Tabernacle podcast I heard after I took the above notes
Access podcast here

*It was God’s will that they get in boat

And God’s will that they go through the storm

*We think we shouldn’t go through difficult times when we know Jesus. But storms BUILD our faith.  He wants it for us.

*So on the mountain, Jesus is interceding for us, praying to God for us. If we think he has forgotten us in the midst of our storms, we need to remember he’s on the mountain, interceding at the right hand of God the father

**The wind didn’t die down the moment Peter came to Jesus the water died down when BOTH of them came to the boat. Which means He walked through the storm WITH PETER (reminds me of the fiery furnace and Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego)

*2^nd storm comes (see Luke 8), the guy on this podcast said that Jesus slept on a pillow (on purpose sleep)  Disciples are scared, Jesus says Oh ye of little faith. 

2^nd storm is maybe worse but what do they do?  THEY WORSHIP HIM. Before it’s died down and in their fear. They didn’t wait to “get on the boat” this time. They’re worship sounded like:  “And they were afraid, and they marveled, saying to one another, “Who then is this, that he commands even winds and water, and they obey him?”

The first storm did that.  Taught them to worship

*On the other side of both storm, healings happened on the land. Why the storms?  Because God knows what’s on the other side. It’s not about the storm and it’s not about you, it’s about who Jesus wants to be to you in the storm, how He wants to change you, and it’s about What Jesus wants to do THROUGH YOU on the other side of the storm. It’s “for the people” to get to Jesus

DO YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS HUGE. It’s not about you getting through a storm so that you can learn a lesson and grow FOR YOU alone.  No!  It’s so that you can be strengthened in order to promote the kingdom.  I think I’ve always thought storms strengthened me for me.  Like a storm comes, I withstand it, I get a medal for it, wave it around, and Jesus is over there like  GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME.  What you earned through that storm was endurance and the ability to better praise my name to people who don’t know me or need me.

DO YOU GET IT? These storms are not about you!  Is it hitting you? They are filled with winds and waves and PURPOSE.

*So don’t be caught up in the storm and say oh this is too difficult and ruining my life! Lift up name of Jesus!!!!  First!

See Jesus do great mighty things through you. Sometimes you go through the storm and it’s not even for you, it’s for somebody else because Jesus wants you to keep trusting in him in a hard situation. Keep your eyes on Jesus

How we should deal with storms then?

****Don’t go through storm defeated and depressed go through with confidence knowing your Savior is enough and you will trust him no matter what. He’ll use you on the other side of this storm. There’s another side to the storm!  SO WORSHIP HIM NOW

***Go through hard situations from a standpoint of victory instead of defeat

So alllllllllll this to lead us back to Hannah.

She changed her attitude before the circumstances changed, She poured out her prayers to God, made promises, trusted,

It said her face changed, she was no longer sad. She let go of it. So this tells us how to let go of things.  Pray FIERCELY give it all to Him…your emotions, your thoughts, your words, your dreams….then promise God (God, if you give me this thing, I will use it for YOUR glory)…then change your face. (I tell my kids that all the time)

SHE WORSHIPED first thing when she got home. Before her husband knew her.  

Look what happened.

So, what is the theme in both? What is God showing us?  

WORSHIP BEFORE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES CHANGE –before the winds and waves die down.

WORSHIP AS THE STORM BEGINS – at the first hint of rain

WORSHIP IN THE STORM

WORSHIP WHEN THE STORM IS OVER (in the boat)

WORSHIP IN BETWEEN STORMS

WE NEED TO LIVE IN AN ATTITUDE OF WORSHIP

WORSHIP NEEDS TO BE OUR INSTINCT

Go through hard situations from a standpoint of victory instead of defeat

Don’t go through storms defeated and depressed go through with confidence knowing your Savior is enough

THE ENORMITY OF THE STORM SAYS NOTHING ABOUT THE ABILITY OF YOUR SAVIOR. WHAT THE ENEMY USES FOR BAD GOD USES FOR GOOD.

WORSHIP ANYWAY; WORSHIP ALWAYS

LIKE HANNAH (a metaphorical storm, a storm of her emotions)

LIKE PETER (an actual storm where physical harm was threatened)

On the other side of both of their storms were miraculous healings. Healing of Hannah’s body which lead to not only Samuel but to more children. Healings in the lands where the boat that withstood the storms went to.

Your storm has a purpose. 

"The purpose of purpose is people." - Pastor Steve

It's Easier to Accept Than To Expect

(you will most likely learn nothing from this blog, it is complete and utter gibberish and it's probably even hard to follow so good luck! k bye)

After a couple of days in the hospital with Asher, I was texting a friend and I said:

I think what I’m feeling about Asher’s future...his new medications and what that means for epilepsy and asthma is: incredible fear but I’m completely numb. It’s creating the weirdest feelings within me and I can’t explain it.  Is this peace?  It doesn't feel like it; it's something else. It's numb fear.

She replied:

Courtney, I have to say this.  PRAY WITH EXPECTANCY. Pray for what you WANT to see then hold fast, expect!  PRAY AND EXPECT IT. 

expect: 

to consider probable or certain 

It was a text that I could tell was placed into her from God and it got me thinking.  I woke up the next morning to an article in Relevant called Why Your Prayers Aren’t 'Working.' You can read it here. I hated the title, so I clicked on it (most likely to judge it). Guess what it talked about?  Prayer and expectancy.  I got served.

Ok God…I’m listening. While I watched Asher nap in a huge hospital bed, I texted the article to my pastor with this:

The only difference between the author of this article and myself is that I don’t see prayer as a Christian check list, even though that can be common.  I pray and talk to God every hour of my life that I’m awake.  I just really suck at the big, focused prayers for big, important things. (btw, this is how I am with people, too. I can talk and talk to you forever but the big stuff...the emotions...I'm just not good at it)

In the big stuff, I just don’t expect Him to do what I’m asking so I don’t even ask. I’m good at asking Him to be with me and then trusting that He is. But I feel like I learn more in suffering so I assume that’s what He wants for me anyway, why even ask for anything else? Maybe He only wants me to find joy in pain? It’s been the pattern so far.

Also, I don’t want to be disappointed anymore. I ask and it’s never what I think it will be. And that’s ok!  Really! I’m ok with whatever answer He gives me but while I know that He wants me to ask…invites me…I just can’t anymore.

I don’t know how to get back to it.  I feel fake or something asking for big healings and really I don’t think it would happen anyway.  It’s so rare. It’s easier to just find joy in pain, to say that God is good no matter what and figure that this is my road.

As my pastor prays for me in this and thinks it over, he gave me the scripture that I pray more than any other found in Mark 9:24 "Lord I believe; help my unbelief."  

Don't get me wrong.  I know He CAN.  But WILL He?  

So that’s where I am.  I don’t know how to expect anymore. It’s not even my instinct to pray for healing first.  If I’m in pain, I’ll pray for relief but I don’t think I even expect it to come, I think I just expect Jesus to come (and He does, every time).  When it comes to the big things like Asher’s medical issues, I allow other people to pray for his healing but I don’t.  I’ve tried to, it just seems better (easier) to accept them than to expect the miraculous. 

It's easier to accept than to expect 

I think one reason is that I used to think that God owed me healing. Almost that it was a trick He used to get me to believe more.  That it had to be a big production at the altar with fog machines, lots of shouting and people running; that healing could not come quietly with no fanfare.

I stopped believing that but then I went in the complete opposite direction. I stopped expecting it at all! But the Bible tells me that He is a healer. And because I know that, I still pray in the best way I can, which sometimes is just saying His name and uttering "help me." 

sometimes (often) I pray with babies hanging off of me at the altar

So what is the truth?  I don't think it's anything I've mentioned so far. God's healing won't ever look the same because then we could just check off some things "to do" and we'd see healing.  We'd start craving the healing more than the Healer.  We'd leave Him out of it. One time, I started writing and this came out: 

maybe God doesn't always heal us because 

we want the healing more than the Healer

I don’t have an answer. I’m just going to seek expectancy I suppose; I'm going to pray for God to show me what that looks like.  It is almost shocking to me that I didn't even realize that I'd dropped expectancy from my prayers. When did that happen? I'm married to a man who expects literally ANYTHING and EVERYTHING from God and I'm over here like "sustain me IN it, and I'll just stay in it forever; it's good enough." 

And it IS good IF that is His will.  HE IS ALWAYS GOOD ENOUGH-MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH-FOR ME. But He is a God who has shown us in His word that He heals. 

I’ve become good at “if not, He is still good” but I’m not so good at "I will pray until something happens, unceasing." I'm not so good at witnessing healing and saying "God is good," because I feel like that in itself is saying He's NOT good when healing doesn't come.  (Which isn't true, but I can't help but feel that that would be what I was expressing).

There's something in my idea of healing that needs...a healing. 

When I'm confused about something, I try to go back to what I know that I know that I know.  Here is what I KNOW about healing: We can say "Your will be done, Lord" while simultaneously and continually praying like crazy for the healing we want. We can supernaturally live on both sides of that prayer for healing. Until the day we die. We can accept that our healing may come on earth and it may not come until heaven. 

It takes too much effort to keep yourself from hoping in order to protect your heart from disappointment. 

It's exhausting when He has invited us to rest in Him.  

I don't want to be disappointed in God.  I want to be ok with whatever, so it's easier to just accept things as they are. I think He wants more for me, though.  

I read a Psalm yesterday that, for whatever reason felt connected to these thoughts.  I think my thinking needs rewired or rewritten.  I think I need to get back to the facts. So I'm going to start over. 

(parentheses are mine, everything else is scripture) 

My soul melts away for sorrow;

(life is hard)
strengthen me according to your word!

(your word restores me)

29 

Put false ways far from me

(whatever I've learned about You that is wrong, correct it)

    and graciously teach me your law!

(and by grace teach me TRUTH)

30 

I have chosen the way of faithfulness;

(I don't want to be faithful, it isn't instinct.  So I'll make it a conscious decision; I'll choose) 

    I set your rules before me.

(Your words I must KNOW, I must look at them and contemplate them daily)

31 

I cling to your testimonies, O Lord;

(Looking is not enough.  I must cling to them, be intimate)

    let me not be put to shame!

32 

I will run in the way of your commandments

(I will run FROM false things I've learned and run TO the truth which never ever changes) 

    when you enlarge my heart!

(enlarge my heart to accept the things that are too big to fit)

Psalm 119:28-32