Supernatural and normal (they're the same thing)

There are things in this world that are supernatural and the only reason we don't think of them that way is because we've gotten used to them being normal.  Think about the wind. HOW WEIRD IS WIND? We can't see it but we can feel it. It can be soothing and devastating. AND WE CAN'T EVEN SEE IT. But it's always been there and we've always treated it as if it's normal. Or the tide coming in. IT JUST KNOWS WHAT TO DO. WHAT?? When to come in, when to go out, as of the waves are obeying a conductor we can't see. HOW WILD IS THAT?  But we don't think about it, unless we're studying why. We know why, scientifically speaking. But WHY is there a WHY?

Sometimes we think (in movies or books) how wild it would be if we could fly or our bodies could heal themselves or the different species that could inhabit the earth.  Meanwhile, our bodies are capable of creating human life! The wildest things live at the bottom of the sea! The wind hits our face and we just accept what we can't see.  The waves touch our toes and then run back out to sea. The sun warms our faces without killing us.  We accept the wind, the waves and the sun but don't accept that someone could have made them?  That seems wild to me. 

If you don't believe in the supernatural, know that the supernatural is already all around us. It's too late to doubt.  Why do you doubt that there could be a supernatural God when there are things like the wind and trees and hummingbirds and flowers opening, leaning toward the sun. << I mean...that's odd, right? I won't EVEN get into the solar system. It seems wild that we could ever say for sure, "none of this matters. It has no meaning. These things are just science playing out on earth."  Ok but whyyyyyy????  If that's the case then why do we have talents and passions?  Why are we naturally good at things that don't promote the survival of our species? I am so comfortable in the questions. In fact, I like the questions and discussion more than the conclusion, often(most)times. 

I'll tell you something. Where science and spirituality mix and merge and swirl and dance is my favorite place. Science and the supernatural are so interwoven to me that when one group of people uses one to refute the other all it serves to do is weave them together even tighter for me.  It's a beautiful thing.  

I bet if you ask God to reveal himself to you today he will. Come on, think of it as a dare. Open up your heart and mind though.  Give yourself this one day to banish doubt either way and look at what's already here. Ask him "If you are the creator, show yourself."

Dry motherhood

Can I let you guys in on a hard truth? 

In November, I had to pray (again), "Lord, help me enjoy motherhood again. I don't like being a mom right now/this week/this month...longer..." 

Because I didn't. It was rare that I had a moment in the day when I thought "Ahhh this is the stuff...I love doing this." I seemed to yell more, I was irrational, the kids seemed to fight more, Willow seemed to need me harder. Seem, seem, seem. 

And that's ok. 

Then, the third week in December came in, quiet as snow. I had more patience. The moments of awe, where I couldn't believe that I got to raise these humans as they raised me (as we were all raised up by our Heavenly Father) were coming closer together. The moments where I just wanted to stop my three littles and do weird mom things like smell their heads (I know) or rock them like infants while I told them their birth stories. The moments when I looked at Zoe looking so grown and I internally crumbled as I erased a math problem and showed her how to fix it.  The moments when I looked at Asher's feet and thought to myself "those look like boy feet," and then I clipped his toe nails while he still let me be the one to do it. The moments when I rocked Willow to sleep and let the full weight of her rest on my chest as I smelled her baby...ok, toddler (sob) breath that still smells sweet on its own. The moments I nursed her and my heart exploded as I realized again, "this is the last one."

When outside of them, I'm thankful for the periods of dry motherhood because then I get these times when I feel close to exploding with noticing what I missed in the dry times, back when I couldn't WAIT until they were all asleep and I could stare into space. When I even felt resentment. When I thought, "this is life? THIS?"

*I mean, I'm still excited for when they all fall asleep, but it's with a feeling of refreshment instead of resentment. If that makes sense*

While in the dry (even resentful and angry) times, I try to remember it won't always be like this. But I think thoughts like "if I look back when they're older and yearn for these days it's only because I won't remember them accurately" and I feel mad at you for telling me this because you aren't still in these hard days. You're in other hard days. You don't know. 

But today...today, I'm ok. I'm more than ok. I'm overdosing on Willow's cuddles and looking at Asher's boy face and loving the fact that he still wants to discuss life with me and even HE still wants to cuddle. I'm relishing the few words left that he mispronounces (bemember, masketti, basagna) I'm watching Zoe beat her anxiety and playing with her hair as I think, "oh Zo, you're a young woman, I can't even remember you as a toddler." Then, I look at Willow and remember (sort of).  Today I'm finding it funny that when I tell Willow no, she throws her whole body back in protest no matter where she is, even at risk of her own bodily harm. If I stop her backwards body fling, she flings forward. It's funny. It's her strong-willed little personality and today it thrills me. Tomorrow, it may undo me, but we'll let tomorrow worry about tomorrow. 

There's a part of me that worries that even putting this into writing is jinxing me and the dry season will come upon me again when I hit "publish." But what I DO know is that much like every other area of life, the seasons come and the seasons go and they aren't all pretty. All we can do is learn lessons within each season and use them as fuel for the rest of our journey. Life is hard and life is stunning. And that's ok. 

*If you're reading this while cuddling your newborn and think, "I will NEVER feel like that toward my child" then just tuck these words away. Maybe you won't. But IF you do, you can remember you're in good company because it's the norm. Loving a little one into adulthood is hard work. Heart work. We lovers are warriors and sometimes we get tired and worn. It's why we so desperately need community (dare I say...a village). 

Dear The Church

Dear The Church,

I love you so much. You are judged so harshly, in ways that don't even make sense sometimes, from places of bitterness and hurt. And sometimes you are judged because the people that make you up are misguided or mean or power hungry. 

At times, we forget that you are made up of broken, real, hurt, forgiven, healed, scarred, imperfect people. All of whom find wholeness in Christ. If you look closely, you may see ugly. If you dissect motives and look through the microscope named suspicion you'll definitely see hard things. Human reality. Human beings. Humans...being. 

(If you're reading this and dissecting and looking so closely at The Church...pull back. Ok even further. Further. THERE!  Now, what do you see?  A beautiful tapestry of people all woven together. Diversity. Hints of Heaven. Blood, sweat and tears mingle within the patchwork so much so that you can scarcely tell where one history ends and another begins. Family. You see broken arms made straight in order to be able to lock together. Scars touching scars.  HOW GORGEOUS IS THIS BROKEN BODY STANDING TALL?)

Ok, back to you, The Church. What the world deems as bad (history, scars, mistakes) God uses within you for our good and for the very glory of God! I hate it that some people within the church have used those things against the people who enter your doors. It's not ok. I'm so, so sorry they've been hurt. I know it hurts you too. I promise to be gentle with them, to not simply say, "get over it." I promise to love them. To lay down my life for them. 

Love,

A scarred (but not scared) member of the body. A woman enamored with you.  A woman who will work hard WITH you. 

Ephesians 2:19-22 So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being  the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.

1 Corinthians 12:12-14 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body,  so it is with Christ.  For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body— Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. For the body does not consist of one member but of many.

Your word

If you could choose one word as your theme for this year what would it be? I'll tell you why I chose my word now and my word at the end. 

Here is my why:

I feel like I've learned so much in the past few years. Things birthed out of hardship. I swear it sounds crazy but I am legitimately thankful for all of the hard stuff... the *really* hard stuff. I NEVER thought I'd say that, really. I mean, I hear other people say it and sometimes I think "wow, that's growth," and sometimes I think, "yeah right," and sometimes I think, "well it must not have been *that* hard then." Yeah. I'm really awesome sometimes 😒

Much of what I learned is just a part of me now...so much so that I can't even pin it down enough to write about it, although I'll try because I'm me and it's how I process.  

Mostly what I've learned is about just being ok. Riding the waves of life. If I'm anxious I let myself feel it and know it will pass. It doesn't ruin me. It would have before...ruined me. 

I'm not as scared of sickness and death. This one is hard to explain. A couple of years ago when an MRI came back abnormal, it nearly wrecked me. I couldn't live, I just sort of rocked back and forth and cried and raved. It wouldn't do that to me now. 

This summer, I thought I was dying. From lung cancer, or something to do with my swallowing and breathing. I think the panic began after thinking about Asher starting school with food allergies. Worries just piled on top after that.  I think I needed something to focus that nervous energy on. 

Doctor after different type of doctor was like, "you're cool." But I couldn't let it go. At night it got worse and I tried not to think of people watching me die. My thyroid was a little funny but it ended up being fine and when I got word of that, the chest tightness and throat spasms stopped. I just needed one more doctor to say, "you are ok," I guess. With the end of that, something changed within me. I realized how much I was living in my head. And that even if I was dying so what?  I had to come to terms with my own death. Which is another blog.  But even with all of the fear it was the first time that I just lived while feeling the panic. I moved along. I raised kids while feeling like I couldn't breathe and while my heart was racing so fast that it was hard to focus. I paid bills and ran errands and sat in the pick up line and talked to other adults as if I didn't feel like pulling the covers over my head and escaping. I just pretended like it wasn't there and lived life. I'd never been able to do that.  It was the first time that fear did not render me useless. I realized, "I can do this!  I can do it afraid!"

Those are lessons that are IRREPLACEABLE and can ONLY be gained by experience. Hard, dirty, gritty, excruciating experience. Experiences that happened over and over. One thing after another. 

One big one was when my hemiplegic migraines started coming closer together and stopped responding as well to my meds. Then while pregnant, I got a couple and had to cope with tylenol alone. It's something I didn't think I could handle. I don't know how or when but I decided to be as thankful as possible while having them. I would list things in my head that I felt thankful for the whole time. While it didn't take the pain away, it somehow changed my perspective and withstanding them became different. Not easier really, but sort of?  They were filled with gratitude. It's all I had to fight with and now that's what I do. With my medicine of course!

Ok, back to lessons and hardships. I'M THANKFUL!!!  I'm ready in 2015 and beyond to JUST LIVE IT. Just live the lessons and move. GO!

It's like I was in college for years. Now I take what I've learned and live it.  The focus isn't on studying and tests and classes, it's putting it to practice! What I do with the knowledge is the focus now. 

Before if I was in a big trial, it would have immobilized me. I would have been useless. Now God's teaching me to keep moving and not only that but to move in joy and peace and love. JUST MOVE. GO!

The lesson in that is the only thing I need. It's the biggest thing I've learned, ever. Not to be immobilized in hardship. The only way I got that lesson was practice. Intense trials that I have to be thankful for because look where I am!  Real trials and even trials I made up in my head. 

There are so many hard, hard things I've faced in the past few years. I won't list them because the bad side of pride lives in that list. The "look at me" side that I have to fight because I don't want you to look at the list and think "wow that's a lot" I want you to look at who I am now and think "wow that's a gracious God." I just know deep in me that posting the list isn't good for me. One day it will be. 

So I'm going to just go and live in the lessons. Learn more and live in those too!

My word? 

GO