Your word

If you could choose one word as your theme for this year what would it be? I'll tell you why I chose my word now and my word at the end. 

Here is my why:

I feel like I've learned so much in the past few years. Things birthed out of hardship. I swear it sounds crazy but I am legitimately thankful for all of the hard stuff... the *really* hard stuff. I NEVER thought I'd say that, really. I mean, I hear other people say it and sometimes I think "wow, that's growth," and sometimes I think, "yeah right," and sometimes I think, "well it must not have been *that* hard then." Yeah. I'm really awesome sometimes 😒

Much of what I learned is just a part of me now...so much so that I can't even pin it down enough to write about it, although I'll try because I'm me and it's how I process.  

Mostly what I've learned is about just being ok. Riding the waves of life. If I'm anxious I let myself feel it and know it will pass. It doesn't ruin me. It would have before...ruined me. 

I'm not as scared of sickness and death. This one is hard to explain. A couple of years ago when an MRI came back abnormal, it nearly wrecked me. I couldn't live, I just sort of rocked back and forth and cried and raved. It wouldn't do that to me now. 

This summer, I thought I was dying. From lung cancer, or something to do with my swallowing and breathing. I think the panic began after thinking about Asher starting school with food allergies. Worries just piled on top after that.  I think I needed something to focus that nervous energy on. 

Doctor after different type of doctor was like, "you're cool." But I couldn't let it go. At night it got worse and I tried not to think of people watching me die. My thyroid was a little funny but it ended up being fine and when I got word of that, the chest tightness and throat spasms stopped. I just needed one more doctor to say, "you are ok," I guess. With the end of that, something changed within me. I realized how much I was living in my head. And that even if I was dying so what?  I had to come to terms with my own death. Which is another blog.  But even with all of the fear it was the first time that I just lived while feeling the panic. I moved along. I raised kids while feeling like I couldn't breathe and while my heart was racing so fast that it was hard to focus. I paid bills and ran errands and sat in the pick up line and talked to other adults as if I didn't feel like pulling the covers over my head and escaping. I just pretended like it wasn't there and lived life. I'd never been able to do that.  It was the first time that fear did not render me useless. I realized, "I can do this!  I can do it afraid!"

Those are lessons that are IRREPLACEABLE and can ONLY be gained by experience. Hard, dirty, gritty, excruciating experience. Experiences that happened over and over. One thing after another. 

One big one was when my hemiplegic migraines started coming closer together and stopped responding as well to my meds. Then while pregnant, I got a couple and had to cope with tylenol alone. It's something I didn't think I could handle. I don't know how or when but I decided to be as thankful as possible while having them. I would list things in my head that I felt thankful for the whole time. While it didn't take the pain away, it somehow changed my perspective and withstanding them became different. Not easier really, but sort of?  They were filled with gratitude. It's all I had to fight with and now that's what I do. With my medicine of course!

Ok, back to lessons and hardships. I'M THANKFUL!!!  I'm ready in 2015 and beyond to JUST LIVE IT. Just live the lessons and move. GO!

It's like I was in college for years. Now I take what I've learned and live it.  The focus isn't on studying and tests and classes, it's putting it to practice! What I do with the knowledge is the focus now. 

Before if I was in a big trial, it would have immobilized me. I would have been useless. Now God's teaching me to keep moving and not only that but to move in joy and peace and love. JUST MOVE. GO!

The lesson in that is the only thing I need. It's the biggest thing I've learned, ever. Not to be immobilized in hardship. The only way I got that lesson was practice. Intense trials that I have to be thankful for because look where I am!  Real trials and even trials I made up in my head. 

There are so many hard, hard things I've faced in the past few years. I won't list them because the bad side of pride lives in that list. The "look at me" side that I have to fight because I don't want you to look at the list and think "wow that's a lot" I want you to look at who I am now and think "wow that's a gracious God." I just know deep in me that posting the list isn't good for me. One day it will be. 

So I'm going to just go and live in the lessons. Learn more and live in those too!

My word? 

GO