September 11, 2001 I was at Marshall, in between classes in the student center. Everyone was gathered around the tv and I thought "how horrible, a plane probably carrying tourists taking pics just ran into a big building." I'd never thought of the World Trade Center, except while looking for potential jobs in editing, there were many offices there.
I left feeling a little shaken for the loss of life, but that was it. I left town, drove a few hours to judge a cheerleading try out with a friend and when we got to the school, we saw the television. During that drive, everything had changed and I didn't even know it.
Looking back, when people said "it's terrorism" I didn't even really know what that meant, nor did I know to be as scared as I should have been. I didn't know it could mean war or what war could even mean to me, as a 20 year old American.
I was single, focused on getting through school, knew no God and was suddenly scared about what all that meant. What did anything mean. I couldn't wrap my mind around the estimates of the loss of life. I don't even remember being scared that more would happen. WHAT MORE COULD HAPPEN? 4 planes, hijacked, such staggering loss of life. I remember hearing 50,000 people presumed dead in one area of NY.
On the drive back home, there were cars, 20 in a line to get gas because there were rumors on the radio that it would jump to $10.00 a gallon by morning and continue to rise after that. All the way home, I had an irrational fear that someone had put something in my gas tank or someone was hiding in the back of the car. Even though I knew no God, I was playing some type of spiritual music on the way home, whatever I could find on the radio. Pleading with SOMEONE to make this all stop, it was too much already. That night was the start of my journey that led me to Christ. I didn't necessarily believe, but always had something in me that said "i was created for..." and if I was created, who created me? I can't explain it, but that was a night I couldn't ignore the fact that if I had a loving creator, I wanted Him RIGHT THEN. And still it took weeks for me to find Him and rest in His love.
The next morning in class, everyone showed up. No one knew what else to do or where else to go. One girl was from Jersey City and she couldn't get in touch with her family and she didn't know anyone else. It was Sociology class at Marshall or sitting in her dorm with no contact.
I (like everyone else) could not tear myself away from televisions. I would stay up all night and watch people take cameras through what was once their apartment, now covered in a foot of ash and who knows what. They had no options. They couldn't stay and they couldn't leave. After I saw the first living body fall from the towers on live TV, I would turn my head away (and still do) when there is a close shot of either tower. I can't see that again.
Something that has struck me on Facebook especially is that even though a lot of the people that post anything about never forgetting were not even old enough to remember. Some, maybe 4 or a little older. Zoe's age. And yet, 9/11 is a part of their lives and they feel it as much as I do. That is how connected such a horrible tragedy made us. It's in them to feel it too, even though they weren't physically present at the time.
I don't remember who explained terrorism to me or what it meant for the future, but I think it was mostly in the rumors. Especially the ones where people were saying we live in an area with all of these power plants and if anything nuclear were to happen, this is where it would start. I didn't even question if that was true, just believed it because it felt better to put my fear somewhere else. It was the first time, i really felt vulnerable in my safety. I was a wide open target because we all were. And the night before 9/11/11 I was scared in the same way. What if it starts again? I was up all night, worried.
Now everything has changed and I'm not even sure we realize it anymore. We're more connected yes and I'm proud of that, but I can't help but wonder if that was worth it. It's not. I want to be connected, but I want all of those people back more. I've watched 9/11 coverage again this year for the first time and there are a few things that I grasp now that I could not have at the age of 20.
1. The people in the towers had NO IDEA what was going on. And when they got to the lobby, to what they thought was freedom, they witnessed a scene that looked like it was out of an end of times horror movie. What must they have been thinking? Did they think the whole world was like this?
2. I can't even imagine what it was like to lose so many service men and women. Whole fire stations gone. Families forged, GONE. It's something I never thought about as much as I am today. When one was lost, saving us, it was horrible for them, but over 300? How could they even process that?
I have no conclusion, just wanted to share some thoughts. It's not everything I'm thinking, I just can't write anymore about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment