A confession about my worship

For a while now, I've been recognizing that my worship is very selfish.  I know enough to know that worship should never be described with the word "self" anywhere near it.  I've just been at a loss at what to do about it.  

If I had a bad week, I'd hold back (which is the opposite for some).  Not out of anger at God, just relying on my feelings (because THEY'VE never led me wrong...I hope you caught that sarcasm).  I'd retreat into my self and pray "help ME"  So, worship was about my experience that week.   If I had a good or amazing week, I'd worship as normal.   While I've been learning a ton about biblical joy, I'm still not great at going through something hard and still exuding that joy.  But I'm growing in that and learning.  

So, today I decided to worship TO God as literally as I could make that happen.  I decided to visualize Him the whole time as if I was standing face to face with my Creator, thanking Him, praising Him for no other reason than that He was God.  And that's more than enough.  I wanted to worship Him in the satisfaction of that alone.  

I thought I would imagine myself at His feet.  God.  Robed, white-haired, all of that vision.  Clouds, whatever.   I know He's so much more than that and that's sometimes a childhood vision, but I need pictures in my head and that's what I was going to use.  

But, what I saw was so different. I couldn't make my mind see anything else.  

It was Jesus (I know, still God), kneeling with His hands raised.  He was weeping without tears.  I can't even come to terms with that image.  

It reminded me that the kingdom of God is so opposite from what we expect.  The first are last, the master is the servant, the servant a King.  It blows me away.   I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORSHIPING YOU, what are you doing Jesus?  You look like YOU are worshiping.  I thought God would be, like, petting my head or something as I bowed at His feet.  One of my favorite visuals I have of scripture is Jesus (God) praying to Himself on my behalf.  This reminded me of that.  

But how do I worship that?  How do I worship something bowed down already?  Can I get lower?  

At the end of worship, Pastor Steve asked us all to raise our hands and he reminded us that it's a sign of surrender (I just love that because some people get so freaked out at church's where people worship with more than song, they worship with their bodies, but it's not scary...it's just surrender).  

That's what Jesus was doing while I worshiped Him.  Surrendering.  What?  I just don't know what to think at this point.  Lately, my hands have been lifting up high when I feel it most in the music.  As if I'm worshiping worship.  I have to be careful about this (I already knew this). I'm such a worship music junky that it becomes about the music and the words and the flow instead about God.  I don't need to raise my hands when I feel I should or in spite of not feeling good.  It's about surrender.  Not what I look like or how I feel.  About Him.  

All I know is I'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG.  That's ok, I just need to change my focus.  My worship cannot be circumstantial.  If my focus is half on Him and half on me, then none is on Him.  Try to figure out that math.  Another reminder about the kingdom not being how we do it on earth.  And thank God for that.  

During service, Pastor Steve said "The reality of Jesus Christ is not having a good church service with good programs and what amounts to a social club.  The standard should be, 'are you satisfied with Him ONLY?'"  

My biggest prayer right now is HELP ME WANT THAT, LORD!  Then, he gave me a saying that will help remind me.  "Lord I'm not that...but I want that."  What other relationship compares with the one we have with our Father?  Who could you go to on earth and say, "I don't want you...but I want to want you?"  You'd get a slap in the face or never spoken to again.  Hurt feelings all around! Yet, God wants that transparency in us.  He can work with that.  

I want to want You.  I want to worship you because You're You.  It may look different every week, but my focus is You.

Pastor Steve then went on to talk about how we love the IDEA of God and the IDEA of loving the unloveable, but we don't love executing it.  Same idea with my worship.  Worship is such an amazing experience for me, but I don't want an experience.  I just want God, not the IDEA of worshiping Him.  

So, those are things that I'll be thinking about.  Feel free to pray for me.  Today sort of wrecked me.  In an it'll-be-all-good way.  And the sermon.  Dear Lord.  LOOK FOR JUNE 23RD, 2013's podcast.    Not rereading this blog too much, just posting my thoughts.  

Game of Thorns: Paul/Thorns/Muscles/Superman

My weakness is needed in order to find strength.  Well how convenient..for me.  

Power from weakness.  

Rest  

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This verse changed my life one day.  I mean chayyyyyynged it. I was praying over a close friend's mom who was in the Cleveland Clinic and looking for scriptures that would "fix" it ya know? Make her feel more at peace, give her hope, show them both that everything would be ok when I just felt helpless... And I found the scripture above, which I had read before but somehow had not seen. I read it and moved on.  I was hanging up clothes an hour later when I realized I was singing a song by Shane and Shane called His Grace is Sufficient.  Suddenly in song form, I heard from my own voice something I'd never seen while reading.  

His power is perfected where? MY WEAKNESS. 

Wait...WHAT?

My weakness is not only expected, but needed in order for his power to be PERFECTED. It did so much for me, more than I can type here, but it was my "life changing/perspective changing" scripture. I think we all have one. And it came when I was looking for someone else.  

Out of nowhere...God.  

Today, I saw the first part of the verse. Something else I've heard a million times but today I'm connecting it with my weakness. "My grace is sufficient for you." 

His grace (favor/covering)

is sufficient (enough/adequate)

for me (because of) His power (capability/command)

when I am weak (not strong; liable to yield, break or collapse under pressure; lacking)  

So, to sum that madness up, I'd say 

Christ's favor in our life is enough for us because He's more than capable to lead us.  But this can only come when we are yielding to Him, willing to break, willing to collapse under Him.   

I can handle that.  Although we live in a culture (American) that has told us over and over to be strong.  Hang in there.  You can do it.  But, that is destroying us because WE CAN'T DO IT. We can't do anything in our own strength. It feels almost like weakness means we aren't doing our part for God, but this scripture tells me that I don't have a part.  Which sort of sounds offensive, but no friend, it's so liberating!  Liberating in Him! 

I've been hearing over and over everywhere I listen and look, even on accident.  Do it in HIS strength.  Trust, peace, fight, live, whatever in His strength, and what I'm realizing all over again is that the only way I can do that is to become weak.  

Weak. To loosen my grip on the sword, so that He can move my arm. I'm still holding the sword, true, but God is directing which way I swing it AND He's the muscle that's holding my arm up.  (I'm thinking sword because that's where we've been in Ephesians at church...The Word is the sword...and what I just now realized is that "sword" is "word" with an S...which for Superman means "hope"...ok that's a stretch but it was fun!  hahahaha)   

So that brings us to the last part...the part I've never thought about at all.   His power RESTS upon us. God's capability and strength and command over everything rests, falls down upon us.  Honestly that one is too new to me to even write about.  I can't wrap my mind around it.  Technically I know what it means, but how to apply it in my life...I have no idea. I think it must take a lot of practice. 

So, because that scripture up there begins with the word "but" I know I need more context, so I checked out what came before what came above.  Here it is: 

⁶ though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. ⁷ So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 

Don't BOAST about the good things in our life, even if it comes from a good place.  Even if it's technically a testimony.  This is confusing because our testimonies are so important (think Revelation 12:11)   But for Paul, he was at such risk of making it about Him that He refrained from doing it. I think we can take a lesson from that.  Think before you speak.  

Is this really glorifying God?  Or does this glorify us even a little?  

In fact when I was looking up scripture about how important it is to have a testimony to prove to you that it's needed, that you still need to give it.  I found more about how The Spirit testifies than how we should.  I'll have to think on that one... 

The next part that rocked my world and should also rock yours is this line: "that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me"  If we would all think this way and live in it, more love would be shown.  I shouldn't want anyone to think MORE OF ME than what he sees God doing in and through my life.  Humbling.  

It was so important to God that Paul not behave in a way that was all about him, that He gave Paul a "thorn." Or at least didn't take that person away.  It was someone to harass him.  How many of you have someone who is your thorn?  Maybe it's because God wants to protect you from yourself.  From becoming conceited.  Maybe you should thank God for that person instead of constantly complaining.

Hello Courtney, nice to meet you.  This is conviction calling.

Stop asking for that thorn to be removed and thank God for the protection it's providing.  Who knows what may happen out of that.

So all of that warning from Paul about becoming conceited and living out the Word to lead into the "but..." 

God, THREE times I've pleaded with You, please take this thorn away...

...But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

and Verse 10

 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So, in your struggles...with your thorns...be weak.  (and don't go attaching guilt to it, ya hear?)

Listen to above song

Peace...I think I'm doing it wrong.

1. I keep adding words where I need to simplify in this entry and I'm sorry, I can't stop.

2. I'm not going to make you work for the point of this.  It's a HUGE revelation that, while it seems simple, rocked my world a few days ago.  You'll find it down there in the blog, too, but I want you to see it now before you read because I'm having a really hard time putting this into words and maybe if you know the point of the blog, it will help.

***

I just realized that peace is not my destination, nor something I am born equipped with. We can ask for God's peace.  We just can't be trusted with our own.  We can have HIS peace only.  His.  We aren't even capable of it ourselves.

***

It seems so simple. So simple that it makes me feel funny for even writing about it, but for whatever reason I have never fully grasped this.  That I don't have peace, there is none within me.  I think I've always felt inadequate or guilty for that, like I was missing something so many others had so easily (seemingly...).  But none of us have it.  So, here are some of my notes regarding this...

I think the reason my journey feels so chaotic and off track sometimes is because I'm always looking for peace as the end place, the destination. A place where I can stop and say I've made it, I've figured life out.  NOW I can live out my purpose. The problem is, we never find it because that's impossible.  So if we seek peace only we'll always feel like failures and we'll never get started.

God's will for us is to always get started where we are. He doesn't need us to run a race ourselves and prove ourselves worthy. He isn't waiting at the finish line of the race we've set up, with a goal time based on ideas we have on what means finished. (psst guess what?  We wouldn't invite anyone else to run in the race anyway, we'd be running it against ourself and our own ideas of what "fast" is).

He doesn't wait for OUR race to be over so HIS race for us can begin. 

The end of the race comes only at...the end. Not the middle. It comes with death and that's the only tape we'll ever burst through. Whether we fall or rise depends on which race we've run.

Ours or His. 

God says he'll give us peace...not that peace is what we should seek as our goal in life. He also promises troubles. And then He encourages us to take heart. Not take every advantage to stop and think we've arrived at our beginning.   

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We'll never arrive. Ever. Not on earth anyway. We WILL achieve perfect, unending peace but it will be in Heaven. And we should be thankful for that. If we felt perfect peace here on earth what would we need Jesus for?  We NEED to need Him.  We NEED to want to reside with Him in Heaven.  

So the more we seek peace as our goal instead of Jesus (who will give peace but not let us live there) the more frustrated we'll get. We'll feel like failures. 

I don't want peace to be what I strive for, I want it to be a relationship with Jesus and giving Him glory.  But, I have to remind myself of that often.

What's cool, is that we can ask for HIS peace. We just can't be trusted with our own.  WOW, my mind is blown. We can have HIS peace ONLY. Like on loan.  But we'll have to keep coming back to Him to get it. Keep seeking Him. He wants us to seek Him so maybe that's why he holds the peace. We can't get it without Him.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

GOD'S yoke is easy.  GOD'S burden is light.  But we have to come to Him to get it.  Here is another example of His requirement for us to approach Him and how we receive HIS peace.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9

So this is saying talk to God (prayer), be thankful, TELL Him what we need and THEN the peace of God will GUARD our hearts.  We have to continually do this and think on things that are good.  We have to live in that.  I know how good we are at this (not very) so that tells me along with the other verse that says "come to me" that it's something we do daily (hourly).

Maybe parents mimic God in this way...an instinct we have. We hold onto something we know our kids need because they are busy and we like to know they need us.  We like to have a piece of something they need so it will feel like they need US, not that thing.  It's definitely not a pure way of doing things like God, but somewhere deep inside we have that same need that He does.  Interaction.  The need for thankfulness.  He made us in His image after all...

Except we do it to satisfy something within ourselves as parents, God does it out of pure love for His children.  

I always wanted His peace because I figured it was so much better than my own.  A better option.

But I was wrong. So wrong. 

I have NOTHING when it comes to peace. I can't even achieve it. I never had ANY to begin with. It was always from Him. I am empty. He is full.  But, I can access it anytime I just have to approach my father.

His peace wasn't "better" because there was nothing to compare it to.  

So, let's look at the other side.  What if God gave us a full portion of peace at the beginning?  We'd waste it away like the prodigal son. We'd abuse it. We can't be trusted.  So what do we do when we can't trust ourselves?  Trust Him. Recognize He holds the peace.  Go to Him.  DON'T FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU NEED PEACE.  It doesn't mean you're a bad child, it means you have the opportunity to approach your Father and receive what you need. That's amazing!

I knowwwwwwwwww this was repetitive and when I read it, it doesn't even really sound like my writing, but I don't know how else to do it.  Even the grammar and sentence structure is off.  The more I try to explain it, the more messy it sounds and the less I feel like I'm getting the point across.  Maybe you've already gotten it and I'm just throwing it at you for nothing.  BUT, I needed to get it.  I needed to feel this revelation and so that's fine.  I wish so much I finished this blog entry and felt...peace.  hahahahahaha, I swear I just thought that.  Aaaaah Courtney, do you learn nothing, child?????   PEACE IS NOT A FEELING YOU GET.

While writing this blog, this song has been on repeat, for whatever reason, so I thought I'd share.  Please open your heart while you listen and let the peace of God be made known to you.  Melt in His peace, get to know what that feels like.