Peace...I think I'm doing it wrong.

1. I keep adding words where I need to simplify in this entry and I'm sorry, I can't stop.

2. I'm not going to make you work for the point of this.  It's a HUGE revelation that, while it seems simple, rocked my world a few days ago.  You'll find it down there in the blog, too, but I want you to see it now before you read because I'm having a really hard time putting this into words and maybe if you know the point of the blog, it will help.

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I just realized that peace is not my destination, nor something I am born equipped with. We can ask for God's peace.  We just can't be trusted with our own.  We can have HIS peace only.  His.  We aren't even capable of it ourselves.

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It seems so simple. So simple that it makes me feel funny for even writing about it, but for whatever reason I have never fully grasped this.  That I don't have peace, there is none within me.  I think I've always felt inadequate or guilty for that, like I was missing something so many others had so easily (seemingly...).  But none of us have it.  So, here are some of my notes regarding this...

I think the reason my journey feels so chaotic and off track sometimes is because I'm always looking for peace as the end place, the destination. A place where I can stop and say I've made it, I've figured life out.  NOW I can live out my purpose. The problem is, we never find it because that's impossible.  So if we seek peace only we'll always feel like failures and we'll never get started.

God's will for us is to always get started where we are. He doesn't need us to run a race ourselves and prove ourselves worthy. He isn't waiting at the finish line of the race we've set up, with a goal time based on ideas we have on what means finished. (psst guess what?  We wouldn't invite anyone else to run in the race anyway, we'd be running it against ourself and our own ideas of what "fast" is).

He doesn't wait for OUR race to be over so HIS race for us can begin. 

The end of the race comes only at...the end. Not the middle. It comes with death and that's the only tape we'll ever burst through. Whether we fall or rise depends on which race we've run.

Ours or His. 

God says he'll give us peace...not that peace is what we should seek as our goal in life. He also promises troubles. And then He encourages us to take heart. Not take every advantage to stop and think we've arrived at our beginning.   

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We'll never arrive. Ever. Not on earth anyway. We WILL achieve perfect, unending peace but it will be in Heaven. And we should be thankful for that. If we felt perfect peace here on earth what would we need Jesus for?  We NEED to need Him.  We NEED to want to reside with Him in Heaven.  

So the more we seek peace as our goal instead of Jesus (who will give peace but not let us live there) the more frustrated we'll get. We'll feel like failures. 

I don't want peace to be what I strive for, I want it to be a relationship with Jesus and giving Him glory.  But, I have to remind myself of that often.

What's cool, is that we can ask for HIS peace. We just can't be trusted with our own.  WOW, my mind is blown. We can have HIS peace ONLY. Like on loan.  But we'll have to keep coming back to Him to get it. Keep seeking Him. He wants us to seek Him so maybe that's why he holds the peace. We can't get it without Him.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

GOD'S yoke is easy.  GOD'S burden is light.  But we have to come to Him to get it.  Here is another example of His requirement for us to approach Him and how we receive HIS peace.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9

So this is saying talk to God (prayer), be thankful, TELL Him what we need and THEN the peace of God will GUARD our hearts.  We have to continually do this and think on things that are good.  We have to live in that.  I know how good we are at this (not very) so that tells me along with the other verse that says "come to me" that it's something we do daily (hourly).

Maybe parents mimic God in this way...an instinct we have. We hold onto something we know our kids need because they are busy and we like to know they need us.  We like to have a piece of something they need so it will feel like they need US, not that thing.  It's definitely not a pure way of doing things like God, but somewhere deep inside we have that same need that He does.  Interaction.  The need for thankfulness.  He made us in His image after all...

Except we do it to satisfy something within ourselves as parents, God does it out of pure love for His children.  

I always wanted His peace because I figured it was so much better than my own.  A better option.

But I was wrong. So wrong. 

I have NOTHING when it comes to peace. I can't even achieve it. I never had ANY to begin with. It was always from Him. I am empty. He is full.  But, I can access it anytime I just have to approach my father.

His peace wasn't "better" because there was nothing to compare it to.  

So, let's look at the other side.  What if God gave us a full portion of peace at the beginning?  We'd waste it away like the prodigal son. We'd abuse it. We can't be trusted.  So what do we do when we can't trust ourselves?  Trust Him. Recognize He holds the peace.  Go to Him.  DON'T FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU NEED PEACE.  It doesn't mean you're a bad child, it means you have the opportunity to approach your Father and receive what you need. That's amazing!

I knowwwwwwwwww this was repetitive and when I read it, it doesn't even really sound like my writing, but I don't know how else to do it.  Even the grammar and sentence structure is off.  The more I try to explain it, the more messy it sounds and the less I feel like I'm getting the point across.  Maybe you've already gotten it and I'm just throwing it at you for nothing.  BUT, I needed to get it.  I needed to feel this revelation and so that's fine.  I wish so much I finished this blog entry and felt...peace.  hahahahahaha, I swear I just thought that.  Aaaaah Courtney, do you learn nothing, child?????   PEACE IS NOT A FEELING YOU GET.

While writing this blog, this song has been on repeat, for whatever reason, so I thought I'd share.  Please open your heart while you listen and let the peace of God be made known to you.  Melt in His peace, get to know what that feels like.