I'm not religious...I'm spiritual

"I'm not religious...I'm spiritual" 

Me neither. 

But not in the good way that people who say that think of it.  Now before I get started there are probably a lot of ways you could get all technical about the term "religion" and how it's more than what I'm saying and not the same as "religious" but just...don't.  Hear the heart of this and let that be ok.   

This hit me when Isaac read a scripture to me the other day: I'm not religious. The Word says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. " - James 1:27

I don't take care of widows and I don't take care of orphans. Sure, I collect clothes for them and then drop them off on the metaphorical doorstep of the church (actually, I just give them to my mom to take).  But I don't love them. Not really. That's too close for me (I have issues with intimacy, can ya tell?)  

I WANT to WANT to be serious about true religion. Not in the way we've mangled the term in American Christianity.   What do you think of when you think of the word religious?  I asked around and here is what people think of first when they just hear the word: 

Hypocrisy
Judgmental people 
Yuck 
Eye roll
Rules 
Misled
Doubled minded
Pharisee
Ritualistic 
Messy 
Misrepresentative
Snobby 
Fanatical  
Taking care of widows and orphans...wait a minute!  NO ONE said that.  

It's not good but it can be, people! 

I guess I am religious when it comes to what the world sees as religious. I'm any number of those things above, daily.  It's easy for someone to say "don't be so hard on yourself, Courtney, you're human.  We all get it wrong, what's important is that you get it right starting now."  

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I've known this for so long and just pretended to forget.  My life is busy, I've got my own issues, I'm too anxious around people, it's not my ministry.  It's NOT OK.  I wrote a blog like this on January 2nd, of this very year.   

I'm So Scared to Pray this Prayer   You should head over after this and read the whole blog (it's short) but here is what I prayed in it:

Lord, in 2013 and EVERY YEAR I HAVE LEFT break my heart of stone for what breaks yours and then give me the strength to ACT! I'm scared of what that will feel like because I've never looked head on at things in this country and others that are too horrible to see. I'm scared to pray this prayer, but I'm willing. Change me. Align my heart with Yours. Break me. I'm scared, but You have not given me a Spirit of fear.  I can't even imagine at this point that such a break is possible, as I'm typing this and telling You, I'm pretty sure I'll back out.  But I want what You want even when it hurts.  I know Your will can be done in my life.  In faith, I'm giving You a permission that you don't need, but want.  I love You with all that is within me.  Amen.  

So obviously, I've thought this before and felt pretty good about my thoughts. But I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEM ANYMORE. I feel sick. Thoughts and good intentions don't hold the hand of a homeless woman dying with no one around to even give her human contact before she dies.  Thoughts and good intentions don't hold the sweet 7 year old boy who no one wants to raise because he's too old in the system and wild because WE DIDN'T GET TO HIM SOON ENOUGH IN THE FIRST PLACE.  What on earth am I here for? Me?  God I hope not because I'm not worth it.  I want to want this, but I'm so lazy.  (Get the vision in your head of me standing outside alone, arms dangling by my sides, head flung back, tears streaming down my face and throwing a hissy fit).  I don't want this blog to be enough. My intentions to be enough. My way with words to move OTHERS to be enough.  ACTION.  That's what is needed.   From me.

My God, my God I have forsaken you  

For myself; For my own comforts

OVERandOVERandOVERandOVER  

That's why I must die to my self

OVERandOVERandOVERandOVER

I don't care WHY you are a widow or orphan or WHERE you are a widow or orphan, I want to take care of you and I want to not be polluted by the world.  I want to be consistent in living out what I believe.  Not just to take care of others but for people who are sick of Christians to see we aren't all "religious" in the way you think of the word. I want them to see to the heart of my religion.  And then I don't want to care what anyone thinks anyway as long as I'm living out my faith.  

Brennan Manning says, “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” 

I'M SORRY.  Weeping and on my knees I'm so, so sorry.  I am humbled by my inadequacies over these past 10 years.  And still, He'll use them for good.  

I want to be different for the glory of my God....and honestly because at least if you look at me through eyes that don't believe what I do, you can respect me for living out what I say I believe with my mouth and type with my hands.  You won't think Christianity is just an excuse to pretend you're better than others.   (It's not btw, it's SO much the opposite)

This blog canNOT be enough anymore. I don't want any "yeahs" and "high fives" even though my flesh knows I DO!  Here is a secret (as if you haven't figured it out).  I CRAVE validation and words of affirmation more than most.  I don't know where it comes from, it doesn't matter.  I just love words period.  So when they're positively flung toward me, I practically get drunk off of them.  I just want to change in the deepest part of me that no one sees and let it flow outward.  I don't have the strength for it.  But, that's ok because God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.  I have to be weak and know it's ok to feel intense feelings. I can't run away from them anymore.   I need accountability for this, but I'm scared to seek it out.  I'm not even going to get into the fact that I'm showing my kids how they should treat people...it scares me.  

One last thought.  While anyone can live a life filled with taking care of others, for Christians there's no point in taking care of widows and orphans and shutting out the loud booming voice of the world if Jesus isn't at the heart of our lives.   Let's all step back and start there.  Again and again and again if we have to. And if you don't know what I'm talking about but you're curious...talk with me about it.  I'm not going to force feed you Jesus or thump your head with a bible if that's what you're worried about.  Pastor Steve once said that the world has a gag reflex just like we have for food. If you shove Jesus down someone's throat, they'll vomit Him back up.  It's just conversation and we can assume we're adult enough to hear what one another has to say without assumption or judgement.  I'm here.  

Now before you leave, read the verse above the one I mentioned: 

Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. (James 1:26 NIV)

Ok. Let's do this.