Losing my religion

I feel like my whole faith journey has looked like a giant leaning jenga tower.

I built up this tower and I locked in the pieces where they were supposed to go fairly quickly. It all looked very structured and square and everything fit. I like everything to fit. 

But over the past decade, pieces have been pulled out.  Instead of addressing those pieces, I just pretended that my tower wasn't shaking. But three years ago, I started to question it all.  (Hint: it was a sabotage)

Imagine the pieces flying through the air.

As pieces flew out, I just pretended that's what I wanted; that was what I was after. But deep down I needed them filled. Deep down, I was losing it. 

I've always been what I assumed was a normal doubter.  Doubts went through my mind more than anything.  I figured that was ok as long as I spoke truth and came back to what I knew was true (and generally that's true), but in May of this year suddenly and out of nowhere I just quit believing.  I tried to pretend it was ok and for awhile my goal was to "fake it til ya make it" except...

I never made it.  

It forced me to stop and look at "it."  What I saw was that my faith (it) had always felt very shaky.  My faith was underneath that jenga tower that I had built. The tower that was always ready to fall, while I just tried to ignore the shaking and sort of prop it up with pick- up sticks.

While I knew that everyone doubted and how normal that was, I yearned for a steadfast faith.  The anxiety and depression and loneliness I felt in this season of trying to find God (again) in places I knew He was and doubted He was and ANYWHERE, was deep and I sort of just quit.  I questioned and then quit believing in all of it.  It was sudden and it was dark.  

It wasn't enlightenment. I didn't realize suddenly that I had been duped for the past decade or anything like that (that actually would have been easier and I could have been angry).  There was just...nothing. Nothing but anxiety and depression, that is. All around me I saw people who found it so easy to believe or to not believe and neither one was easy for me. 

So, where did all of this start?  It came on the heels of an 18 month period where every negative medical thing you could imagine hit me and hit my family.  Then anxiety hit our house.  And I've dealt with anxiety for a lot of years but this was 24/7/never a break, deep, deep anxiety.  Waves and waves of panic.  When I woke up, before I even remembered to be nervous, my body did and I woke up terrified, day after day.  My throat started spasming, my chest and back ached and I kept convincing myself that I was dying because of one of those two things (and a lot of other things).  I tried medication, which I said I'd never take again (after it messed up my liver years ago).  The meds made it about 1000x worse.  I had to go off of them.  I tried mega doses of Vitamin D, I tried meditation, I tried prayer.  I talked it out. I. Tried. Everything. One day it wasn't as bad as the day before and then eventually it eased off.  That's the short version. It pops up from time to time but nothing like what I mentioned above. 

As it faded, a deep depression hit that I can't write about yet and then the unbelief.  Boom. 

I kept thinking, I know what the Courtney of a month ago would have said.  She would have told me to keep speaking the things I knew were true a month ago until my feelings lined back up with my faith.  But then I would think what if faith isn't real?  What if God isn't real?  What if it's all just pretty words? And I thought all kinds of things that I won't type because I don't want to put things in your head.

I'll tell you something.  The ol' standby that we sometimes use that goes something like "if God is real and we believe, then we have everything to gain; but if God isn't real and we believe, what do we have to lose?" wasn't cutting it.  It's all either real or it isn't and I'm not a fan of that way of thinking.  IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  God is real, or He isn't.

Prayer felt wrong.
Worship felt wrong.
Church felt wrong.
Encouraging people felt wrong.
Writing about God like I had before felt wrong.

Wrong. 

Wrong. 

Wrong. 
Another thing going through my head was, assuming it was all "real," WHAT ARE WE DOING?  We sure don't act like we believe it's real or we would be going, doing, being, following.  I mean really going, doing, being, following, serving, loving...  We're just sort of playing church and getting mad about the stupidest things.  Focusing so much on "do they have a good children's ministry?" and "what type of music do they sing?" and "gasp!  he wears Chucks while he preaches, he must not take this seriously." WHAT IS CHURCH IF THIS WHAT WE FOCUS ON?  Church is SO much about me, I don't know how to separate myself out of it so that I can just be in the body.  I AM NOT THE BODY.  It was all about me.  ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.  No matter which way I would spin it, I would end up being the center and I didn't know how to make it not about me.  I know it's a process I'll be working out for the rest of my life, but I don't even know if I'm on the right track.  Seriously.  What I DO know is that when I focus on Him, I decrease.  More of Him, less of me (you know...you've heard it a million times...and it's true).  Don't focus on the decrease, focus on the increase. 

*Funny enough Jennifer started a bible study called Radical at this point and I went. Remember, no one knew this was going on within me. I left a few weeks so angry. It's all about how we can't just play church anymore. Look it up, it's enlightening.*
Because it was so dark, because I've always been filled with such apathy, during this time I was praying things like Lord, may the cloud of darkness lift and the light of truth and the gospel shine in and God, I have a heart of concrete, of steel... soften it, please!

Nothing.

I kept seeing pictures of clouds and mountains and babies where people would caption them with "how could you doubt God when you see THIS???"  But to me, that holds absolutely no proof of God when you're doubting His existence.  They're stunning, but it's nature.  It's just there and we decide what is stunning and what isn't anyway.  I know I sound like a real soft, sweet person, eh?

The only thing that ever made me take pause and wonder was thinking about this: 

When an idea would come into my head and I couldn't do ANYTHING else until I furiously typed and my heart beat faster and at the end I was exhausted and happy and content. And when I read it back later, I didn't even remember writing half of it and it affected me fresh like it did anyone else. That made me think, "what is that within me?  Who put that there?  It has nothing to do with survival, it's not an instinct...it's a gift.  So, who is the giver?  And why is it painting for some people and math for others, while other people come alive while counseling people and still others when designing clothing or taking care of animals?"

I couldn't just let it go. I had to resolve it, because it was too scary to not know. I couldn't believe. I couldn't not believe. I couldn't just rest and let it come...I had to seek!

A scary thought was who am I without Christianity and religion and Jesus?  It's been my whole identity for a decade.  What would I look like without it?  I couldn't get past the thought to the answer. My entire life had been built around it.  It.  I built a Christianity Jenga tower.  Yikes. That cut deep.

Jesus was about to come and bust it up.  Obliterate the jenga tower.  Turn it over like he did the moneychangers' tables in the temple. Little did I know He had been the one pulling out the pieces all along. 

This Courtney built tower had no place in my life. I needed a body, not a manmade structure.  

I have always (like David) listed off my troubles to God and ranted and raved about them. Then I read this blog and it was the start of changing everything: When God Does the Miracle We Didn't Ask For  (I'll probably blog about that separately it was so life changing...it's a whole other story)

I began having visions, even as I doubted and maybe I'll share those one day.  I fought against them because saying "I am having visions" sounded so...holy roller. The kind who roll for the sake of appearing holy. But it wasn't that. It was real. 

Then...

I woke up one day, read Psalm 16 and it was over.  That fast.  That unexpectedly.  That God.  I walked outside and it smelled differently that I've ever smelled the outside.  It's like I could smell all of the good smells of late summer separately  (cut grass, sweet air, the water hose, cool water on hot concrete) while smelling them all together.

I don't know what was in that Psalm that my soul needed to connect with but I don't even care.  I don't feel like I've ever felt before, it all feels new.  I began again. Everything is so solid now. And I didn't create it!  Truly, I would have made it much more dramatic than that. At the altar, bowing down, the spirit would come upon me and BOOM! the whole church would feel it too. God said, "nope." It came on a regular morning, in between texts with a friend while I was drinking coffee. 

You Will Not Abandon My Soul

A Miktam of David.

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

    I have no good apart from you.”

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

    in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out

    or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

    you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

    in the night also my heart instructs me.

 

I have set the Lord always before me;

    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

    my flesh also dwells secure.

 

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

    or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;

    in your presence there is fullness of joy;

    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

For me, it's always been a knowledge thing. While I always acknowledged His Spirit I used it for my own agenda. I always struggled with intimacy, but after I read that Psalm, it was an intimate soul/Spirit thing, too.  We need both and it only took me THIRTEEN YEARS to connect them.

And now I begin again...


******

And that's where I stopped typing...until Sunday. 

The day started with my first spiritual Facebook post in months (ha!). Worship was so deep and I could feel it in my chest. Deep. I went to the altar and laid down. I opened up and His Spirit came in. I can't explain it any other way because no words can explain it. And it's not that His Spirit hadn't always been there. It's just in that moment His Spirit whispered to my soul, "I'm here." And I broke. 

I kept singing, "Pour out your spirit on me/Remove me from me."

Then Pastor Steve came up and said to God, "POUR OUT YOUR SPIRIT ON THIS PLACE.  POUR INTO US!"

And my song changed to "we pour out our lives to you, pour your spirit into us." I told God that I knew He didn't need permission to come but we wanted Him there. I think He wants our unneeded invitation.

From there everything I was praying in my head, Pastor Steve was saying into the microphone. It was wild!  Finally I was at a point where I wasn't begging for signs of authenticity and God was pouring them all around me anyway!  Ha!  

So it's over. It's just beginning. At the same time!  I can't believe you stuck through that whole blog and made it to the end/beginning. You deserve a medal. And Isaac deserves a vacation for living it with me hehe

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10 

If you love to hate on bad grammar, you're safe here

JUST KIDDING YOU'RE NOT SAFE! Muahahahahaha 

We need to get past the MEAN grammar/spelling nazi jokes. I'm married to one of the most genuine, deep, loving, spiritual, wordy men in the world.  

Howevah. 

He spells like an angry pirate and his grammar is so unexpectedly wrong sometimes it makes me sneeze. I'm allergic to it. NO PUNCTUATION ANYWHERE. EVER!!! Somehow he even SPEAKS with incorrect spelling.  

It's why God placed us together in this union. He is deep, I get to proofread what he writes. I love it. Lerrrrrrrv it!  I can't get enough of editing and rearranging while he isn't even programmed to care. 

Listen, if you disregard what someone writes on social media because they use loose instead of lose then your the one missing out. Sea what I did their?(Y'all gon make me loose my mind up in hear up in hear.) 

I know it's a joke, and I love the funny memes, too, but I think they're setting us up to be grammar loving tools. 

I mess up often and it bugs me. I have to change it when I catch it, or the twitches set in, but that's on me. I would never put that on someone else. (Psst. I don't always catch it. I love commas too much, there I said it.)

There are people who have amazing things to say and we don't see because we're so proud of taking our metaphorical RED pens and slashing up their message so much that all we end up seeing is RED. Literally... figuratively...metaphorically.... stupidly...dotdotdot...dotdotdot...

Try not to be an angerball about it, k?  

When all is said and done, I can't make out with grammar, but I CAN make out with Isaac. Soooooooo, I choose him!!!

I Think Your Karma is Broken - The Attitude of Karma

I feel like the idea of karma just enables bitterness in peoples' lives.  I'm talking specifically about the negative kind (karma: action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad). The ATTITUDE of karma. Regardless of what you believe about the existence of karma, I see via social media how people think it should serve them: revenge.  

The tone taken when writing about it is like acid just jumping off of the page. And you hear it a lot, right?  How karma will get 'em because of how bad they are. Then does that mean if you're a good person you'll get good things, because that doesn't seem to be the case. 

I think your karma is broken. 

It's normal to experience hurt and then have the thought "I wish that person would get something horrible in return," but you need to immediately decide what to do with that thought. Who is that hurting anyway?  Who does that affect?  You. You!!  

Some really good advice is found in 2 Cor 10:5 where it says "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." And what should we do with our words? 

The apostle Paul wrote: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).

“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Colossians 4:6).

And our thought life?  

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

(Philippians 4:8)

Do you understand the amazing power of forgiveness?  

I'm not talking about letting someone continue to hurt you I'm talking about letting go of the bitterness that is killing your own spirit. Stop holding onto it by wishing bad things for people who have hurt you. You're running in circles and wearing yourself out while nothing gets accomplished.

That smirk on your face - as you spit the word KARMA out - that is supposed to show the world how much you don't care is a thin veil that only accentuates your pain to the world. And I'm sad for you. I just want to hug you and explain that you aren't responsible for vengeance. It's too heavy for you to carry. Way too heavy. So heavy that before you realize it, it has descended upon you so slowly that you're too far gone to crawl out from beneath it.  You have to let it go. All or nothing.  

Wanting bad karma for others and extending forgiveness cannot co-exist. 

*Karma is a cover for lusting after revenge.  

*Forgiveness covers the need for revenge.

Stop wishing karma upon people. God takes care of that. He has declared that we shall reap what we sow. Look...it's right there in His Word:

Galatians 6:7

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.

Job 4:8 

As I have seen, those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same.

2 Corinthians 5:10 

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

Proverbs 26:27 

Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling.

So you can let go of it.  You, who were in a bad situation due to another person's actions.  That situation, that pain, is not worthless. When you forgive in the face of it, that's when you know you're above their mess! Outside of it! Growth!  Maturity!  You're doing it, keep going!!  Lots of exclamation points!!!!

When you wish the best for people, you wish the best for our world. You wish the best for the world of our children. YOU become a better person. And if you can't wish the best for them at least pray for their hearts to be softened, then turn around and walk away. Which will benefit all of us! Baby steps. 

***

A final thought. Don't pray the above scriptures over someone else. That they'll reap what they sow. God is dealing with that person. Don't hope for it. Those words are YOUR lesson. Pray it's not your future to reap a bitter, angry, vengeful, hateful life. Those scriptures aren't about the other person, they're always about you. About me.  About the person reading them. They're personal. 

Karma, the way we use it on Facebook and in funny memes on Pinterest, is a lie. Move past it, it's only hurting you. 

We can’t live our lives like this!

Are you ready to hear something hard?  

God's goal is not getting us through hard times.  Our primary objective in life isn't just getting through those hard time and then heaving a big ol' sigh. The sigh is what feels good, I know…God, do I know… But the deep sigh of safety is not what we should be striving for.

God wants to transform us in the journey as He walks us through our lives.  He needs us to come out of our struggles strengthened, knowing how to rely on His strength and be completely different people. Every. Time.

Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's lovehas been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

We rejoice in hope.  We rejoice in suffering. Why?  Endurance, which leads to character, which produces hope.  Suffering and trials literally build us.  If we allow them, they mold us into a hopeful people.  Which doesn't make sense!  People see what we've suffered through, and then see the hope on our faces and it makes them ask, "How are you like this?"  Then, we get to tell them about our sweet, warrior Jesus.   

The problem is this:  we encounter a struggle - pray - God gets us through - then we take a deep breath and keep on the same way we were.  But, then...

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE STRUGGLE? 

Don’t we at least want the hard times to mean something?   I’m so jacked up about this because I’m writing to myself!! Within those struggles, we are learning to trust.  We are learning to lean into God.  We are being taught what it feels like to hope. 

Isaac has been off work with his surgery and I don't work.  Money. The lack of its presence grows bigger everyday.  

How can the lack of something be so big? 

I was thinking about all of this in the shower because we had an important bill that needed to be paid and we didn't have the money for it.  Or for groceries.  I spent a whole day just a mess of crying, ranting, fighting with Isaac and being a hot mess.  Panic and stress and nothing else.  NOTHING else.  The whole day was wasted.

We had saved some money up before the surgery, but in the days before, we found out we had to pay huge amounts of money before the surgery could even be done and so it was depleted.  We felt depleted.  And we have months ahead of us filled with mountains that we have to cross.  Mountains. Real ones, issues that need to be dealt with.  And sometimes just in our own heads.  Phantom mountains that we can’t even traverse because they aren’t real.  

Phantom mountains of fear 

How do you climb a mountain that isn’t real?  You can’t, you just wear yourself out, while nothing is accomplished. As I was begging God to just take care of this one problem, right now, it hit me.  Then what, Courtney?  What's the point of being in stress, begging God for help and then barely eeking by until the next mountain looms in the distance? Shouldn't we be so transformed by the journey up the first mountain that we don't even worry about the next one?

BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NEXT ONE

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NEXT ONE!

Whether we sense it or not, whether Isaac is off work or not, there will always be another mountainous problem.  I want to leave every treacherous climb with bigger muscles and with faith infused into every fiber of my being.  I want faith and remembrance of God’s power to make my bones tremble as I remember the mountains we’ve climbed before.  Hand in hand.  Heart to heart.  God and me.  

I want hope to replace my human instinct.  

My instinct leads me in random directions, where sometimes I find myself lost, but HOPE does NOT disappoint!  (See Romans 5:5)

In that shower, as I was seeking God and freaking out, Oceans by Hillsong came on, which I KNOW has been around for awhile and has transformed EVERYbody but it just hit me AGAIN:  I want trust God without the borders of human experience and rational thought.  But how am I going to get there?  

BY HAVING TO TRUST!!!!  

So why fight the struggle?  Logically, I should be welcoming them!  Seeing that it's not about just getting over the mountain so that I can heave a deep sigh of relief on the other side and be on my way until the next time I need God.  I need God just as much before the struggle as when I’m in the deepest, darkest pit.  I always need Him as much as I’m ever going to need Him.  I NEED HIM!  I NEED HIM!

It's about trusting WITH Him every single day.  Every moment. Every decision.  With each one my faith is more secure and my trust is solid so that THE NEXT TIME, I go into the climb even stronger than when I left the last mountain!  

The End (or so I thought...)

**

So, I wrote this blog last week and for some reason just couldn’t post it. It didn’t feel finished or something.  Later that week, Isaac sold something that he loved.  He made money that paid the bill that was looming over us, it paid for groceries, it put a dent in the bills for this month. I love him for it.  I tried to live out the words of this blog during that week.  I don’t know if I succeeded but I tried.  I was thankful, I felt God's strength.  

The next week came and Isaac unexpectedly got a bonus at work.  That same day, his union took up money for him since he’s off work.  We woke up the next morning to a donation in our PayPal account. 

What? she whispers… and Hope answers... I'm here...

God…what?  ALL of this for two of your kids who rant and rave and forget and get scared and throw tantrums?  To the least deserving you give the most?  Security we don’t deserve, yet you lavish upon us?  And come to find out, it's not the security of money, reader.  It's the security of His presence....His arms encircling his children with all of their baggage and all of their fears...Sometimes instead of us walking WITH Him up and over the mountain, He picks us up, and launches us into the sky missing the top of the mountain by a mile and we softly land on the other side!  Sometimes He teaches us extravagance.  But, He always teaches.  We need to look for the lesson.  Let's not leave that mountain with just survival.  Whether we sail over the top, or barely make it to the peak before we fall over the other side bloodied and bruised and in pain, let us rejoice.  

He always takes care of us, you guys.  He’s for us.  Our pain and struggles have a purpose.  I don’t know about you but that brings peace to me.  What if there was no reason behind any of it?  I just can’t live in a world where that’s true.  That scripture up there tells me differently...it tells me that there is purpose in our struggles.  Thank you, God!

Father, as we take the first step off of the last mountain we crossed with You, may we land upon the dirt a different person.  Let us not look for the next mountain, let us look to You.  We yearn to have gained the ability to persevere and hope in You. We can never do it without You.  The mundane, the hard, the impossible…all with You.  Amen.

Listen to Oceans here  you know you want to...

You call me out upon the waters


The great unknown, where feet may fail


And there I find You in the mystery


In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name


And keep my eyes above the waves


When oceans rise


My soul will rest in Your embrace


For I am Yours, and You are mine


Your grace abounds in deepest waters


Your sovereign hand will be my guide


Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me


You've never failed, and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name


And keep my eyes above the waves


When oceans rise


My soul will rest in Your embrace


For I am Yours, and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders


Let me walk upon the waters


Wherever You would call me


Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander


And my faith will be made stronger


In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name


Keep my eyes above the waves


My soul will rest in Your embrace


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine