We can’t live our lives like this!

Are you ready to hear something hard?  

God's goal is not getting us through hard times.  Our primary objective in life isn't just getting through those hard time and then heaving a big ol' sigh. The sigh is what feels good, I know…God, do I know… But the deep sigh of safety is not what we should be striving for.

God wants to transform us in the journey as He walks us through our lives.  He needs us to come out of our struggles strengthened, knowing how to rely on His strength and be completely different people. Every. Time.

Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's lovehas been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

We rejoice in hope.  We rejoice in suffering. Why?  Endurance, which leads to character, which produces hope.  Suffering and trials literally build us.  If we allow them, they mold us into a hopeful people.  Which doesn't make sense!  People see what we've suffered through, and then see the hope on our faces and it makes them ask, "How are you like this?"  Then, we get to tell them about our sweet, warrior Jesus.   

The problem is this:  we encounter a struggle - pray - God gets us through - then we take a deep breath and keep on the same way we were.  But, then...

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE STRUGGLE? 

Don’t we at least want the hard times to mean something?   I’m so jacked up about this because I’m writing to myself!! Within those struggles, we are learning to trust.  We are learning to lean into God.  We are being taught what it feels like to hope. 

Isaac has been off work with his surgery and I don't work.  Money. The lack of its presence grows bigger everyday.  

How can the lack of something be so big? 

I was thinking about all of this in the shower because we had an important bill that needed to be paid and we didn't have the money for it.  Or for groceries.  I spent a whole day just a mess of crying, ranting, fighting with Isaac and being a hot mess.  Panic and stress and nothing else.  NOTHING else.  The whole day was wasted.

We had saved some money up before the surgery, but in the days before, we found out we had to pay huge amounts of money before the surgery could even be done and so it was depleted.  We felt depleted.  And we have months ahead of us filled with mountains that we have to cross.  Mountains. Real ones, issues that need to be dealt with.  And sometimes just in our own heads.  Phantom mountains that we can’t even traverse because they aren’t real.  

Phantom mountains of fear 

How do you climb a mountain that isn’t real?  You can’t, you just wear yourself out, while nothing is accomplished. As I was begging God to just take care of this one problem, right now, it hit me.  Then what, Courtney?  What's the point of being in stress, begging God for help and then barely eeking by until the next mountain looms in the distance? Shouldn't we be so transformed by the journey up the first mountain that we don't even worry about the next one?

BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NEXT ONE

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NEXT ONE!

Whether we sense it or not, whether Isaac is off work or not, there will always be another mountainous problem.  I want to leave every treacherous climb with bigger muscles and with faith infused into every fiber of my being.  I want faith and remembrance of God’s power to make my bones tremble as I remember the mountains we’ve climbed before.  Hand in hand.  Heart to heart.  God and me.  

I want hope to replace my human instinct.  

My instinct leads me in random directions, where sometimes I find myself lost, but HOPE does NOT disappoint!  (See Romans 5:5)

In that shower, as I was seeking God and freaking out, Oceans by Hillsong came on, which I KNOW has been around for awhile and has transformed EVERYbody but it just hit me AGAIN:  I want trust God without the borders of human experience and rational thought.  But how am I going to get there?  

BY HAVING TO TRUST!!!!  

So why fight the struggle?  Logically, I should be welcoming them!  Seeing that it's not about just getting over the mountain so that I can heave a deep sigh of relief on the other side and be on my way until the next time I need God.  I need God just as much before the struggle as when I’m in the deepest, darkest pit.  I always need Him as much as I’m ever going to need Him.  I NEED HIM!  I NEED HIM!

It's about trusting WITH Him every single day.  Every moment. Every decision.  With each one my faith is more secure and my trust is solid so that THE NEXT TIME, I go into the climb even stronger than when I left the last mountain!  

The End (or so I thought...)

**

So, I wrote this blog last week and for some reason just couldn’t post it. It didn’t feel finished or something.  Later that week, Isaac sold something that he loved.  He made money that paid the bill that was looming over us, it paid for groceries, it put a dent in the bills for this month. I love him for it.  I tried to live out the words of this blog during that week.  I don’t know if I succeeded but I tried.  I was thankful, I felt God's strength.  

The next week came and Isaac unexpectedly got a bonus at work.  That same day, his union took up money for him since he’s off work.  We woke up the next morning to a donation in our PayPal account. 

What? she whispers… and Hope answers... I'm here...

God…what?  ALL of this for two of your kids who rant and rave and forget and get scared and throw tantrums?  To the least deserving you give the most?  Security we don’t deserve, yet you lavish upon us?  And come to find out, it's not the security of money, reader.  It's the security of His presence....His arms encircling his children with all of their baggage and all of their fears...Sometimes instead of us walking WITH Him up and over the mountain, He picks us up, and launches us into the sky missing the top of the mountain by a mile and we softly land on the other side!  Sometimes He teaches us extravagance.  But, He always teaches.  We need to look for the lesson.  Let's not leave that mountain with just survival.  Whether we sail over the top, or barely make it to the peak before we fall over the other side bloodied and bruised and in pain, let us rejoice.  

He always takes care of us, you guys.  He’s for us.  Our pain and struggles have a purpose.  I don’t know about you but that brings peace to me.  What if there was no reason behind any of it?  I just can’t live in a world where that’s true.  That scripture up there tells me differently...it tells me that there is purpose in our struggles.  Thank you, God!

Father, as we take the first step off of the last mountain we crossed with You, may we land upon the dirt a different person.  Let us not look for the next mountain, let us look to You.  We yearn to have gained the ability to persevere and hope in You. We can never do it without You.  The mundane, the hard, the impossible…all with You.  Amen.

Listen to Oceans here  you know you want to...

You call me out upon the waters


The great unknown, where feet may fail


And there I find You in the mystery


In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name


And keep my eyes above the waves


When oceans rise


My soul will rest in Your embrace


For I am Yours, and You are mine


Your grace abounds in deepest waters


Your sovereign hand will be my guide


Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me


You've never failed, and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name


And keep my eyes above the waves


When oceans rise


My soul will rest in Your embrace


For I am Yours, and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders


Let me walk upon the waters


Wherever You would call me


Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander


And my faith will be made stronger


In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name


Keep my eyes above the waves


My soul will rest in Your embrace


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine