Happy Valentine's Day/Love is Hard/Marriage/On Calling It Quits

I'm going to fully blog about specifics one day. I thought it would be Valentine's Day which is our 11th wedding anniversary but God won't let me. I keep trying to force it and that never works out for anybody. Before I begin I want to tell you that these are just OUR TRUTHS. If this isn't applicable for you that's fine. But I think we can all benefit from hearing one another's stories. 

So let me say this. I love my husband. And yet I told him a few weeks ago in the middle of a fight, "if anything ever happened to you I would never EVER do this (marriage) again." I can be SO sweet huh?❤️  

These kids ^^ didn't know what was coming. We didn't know that one day we would take a picture like the one below minutes after having a morning long blow up fight where I wanted to walk away. 

^^ we look happy right?  Pictures never lie *eyeroll*

I think because we joke so much on Facebook people get the idea that we're perfect and don't have problems. You're wrong. Facebook can be dangerous in that way because you don't want to be a downer. There is a fine line between being transparent and being positive. Facebook, as we all know, are teeny pieces of life. A highlight reel that we control and that's ok, as long as we recognize it.  

Marriage is so hard for us. And maybe we have it harder than some, I don't know, but we are two passionate, very different people trying to run a home, raise kids, serve in ministry, deal with swing shift, keep Asher alive and stay sane. We make co-pays rain like Al Roker up in here.  We are not only horrible with money but in two different ways. #jackpot  I am not the most typical/comfortable stay-at-home-mom and honestly we were all happier when that was Isaac's job.  

While there's no one I'd rather do this life with (truly) sometimes I don't want to be married (wow you're thinking, what a weird "happy anniversary" blog).  

God knew what he was doing when he didn't offer a way out of marriage when I just don't feel like it. Otherwise I would have divorced him twice over and he maybe would have left me more times than that. 

We fight. 

We become idiots. 

We can be hateful. 

I'm passive aggressive and sarcastic and he knows just what to say that will get to me and hurt me the most. After a fight is finished, Isaac is fine and all is forgotten. Meanwhile, I retreat and can't let anything go. 

And we're normal. We laugh A LOT. We have the kind of deep discussions on life that you dream of having with a life partner.  We pray and pray and pray some more together. He consoles me, prays for my many medical issues, and he supports my wild ideas. He pushes me to be better.  My comfort zone is a very teeny bubble and I don't travel outside of it unless he pops it and throws me far enough away from it that I have to stand up and deal with everyday life.  And then he walks to me and holds my hand. Reminds me of how God treats me...just the Christ-like quality Courtney Hutchinson needs in a husband.  

Annnnnnd, we've nearly called it quits twice. For real quits.  We've had a LOT of counseling. We've changed our theological views, birthed three babies, switched professions, deal daily with a life-threatening condition in a child and have lost more sleep than we've gotten. 

It's hard. And it's worth it. And it's fun. And it's passionate. And it's hard. 

We've learned more in fighting for our marriage, than resting in our marriage. The hard times have strengthened us for the future. 

We make love. 

We make babies. 

We make war. 

We make up.

We make it work.  

The good times are amazing (like, how did I get so lucky amazing) but the hard times come.  And they produce in our marriage a steadfastness. After so many times of fighting through it (or even just surviving it/waiting it out) I've come to really trust my husband. To learn him. To trust Christ in the mess. To say to myself, "ok we've been here before...worse than here...and not only did we come out the other side, we came out ALIVE! We can do it again." 

One perfect union from two imperfect people. It's a miracle. Truly. 

Your wedding may have been from Pinterest but your marriage is a reflection of Christ and the church which isn't all burlap, mason jars and pallets. It's hard. It's work. It's exhilaration. It's true, self-sacrificing, doesn't-take-into-account-the-inconvenience-of-the-lovER, agape love. We HAVE to start seeing it that way. If it's hard that's ok, you can count on it.  You can also count on support and dreams and being held up. Self-sacrifice is so important!!!  It doesn't mean you give of yourself to such a degree that you don't matter....it means that you give wholly while the other person gives like that, too.  

If each person gives 100%, then no one is taking.  

With Isaac, I see him being the kind of father to our children that makes me want to hit my knees in thankfulness. He's openly emotional, forgives so easily and apologizes quickly. He speaks his mind (you guys know) and loves in fierce-mode only.  If he says hard things you better believe it's for your good. And guys, HE LAUGHS AT MY JOKES!  I LIVE to make him uncontrollably laugh. We rap and dance in the kitchen, we gross the kids out with our kissing and earth-shattering dance moves. I tolerate his loud 90s grunge and he tolerates my 80s pop.  We have it good. 

Pearl Jam meets Taylor Dayne. 

Think we can't have it good AND hard?  You're wrong. And we need to start being open about this. 

If your marriage doesn't have hard parts, ok. I'm not gonna fight you and tell you that everyone's marriage has to be hard. But I do know the majority of the people I talk to about life recognize and are surprised at what marriage is. Let's take the surprise out of it, ok?  

We Hutchinsons probably get a lot wrong, this BLOG probably got a lot wrong, but I'm ready to start talking about it even though I don't know how. I don't feel like I got my thoughts out correctly in this but it can be messy like my life. 

This is JUST our story and I think even if we can't relate to one another, we can learn from one another. 

I'm including the truest song and I want you to listen. Click on it now and think about things...

Roll to the Middle by Sara Groves

End note:  If your marriage is hard (aside from ANY kind of abuse) it's ok. 

A hard marriage doesn't necessarily mean you are doing anything wrong. If you commit to do life with another person (with all of their "stuff" and ideas about life and hurts and assumptions and past...and then all that changes and you start again) you'll have to work for it. But work produces muscles. If you need to change, then change. 

If you've already tried it with someone and that relationship is over, there's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't ruin you, just take everything you learned, and move on. I don't want what we're saying to leave you feeling bad, I just want it to offer hope for those who feel like they're doing something wrong in marriage if it's hard.  You aren't. 


If you are a man or woman and are being abused, tell me. Tell anyone!  Now! It's NOT ok. 

Let Go of the Thing

This morning, Willow found the bigs' iPad and sat down in front of it. It has a case that she wasn't used to and the screen was locked. She kept trying to swipe it open and got frustrated. As she was trying to carry it to the chair, she fell and it fell and as she kept trying, she got more frustrated. Tears and sweat and screams, oh my!

I was saying, "Willow bring it to me. I can immediately solve this problem but you have to let me have it.  Mommy's got this!" 

Instead, she kept trying to do it in her own strength and her own knowledge. It wasn't working. Obviously. 

All she had to do was stop and bring it to her mommy. I didn't even have to THINK about how to fix it. She could have relied on my knowledge and my strength. But her toddler pride got in the way and she HAD to do it herself.  Even if that meant chaos. 

Do you know where that left her?  Exhausted. Frustrated. Angry. In a bad mood for the next thing in her day. 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to let go of the thing.  Especially as adults when we don't always know WHAT to let go of or even HOW to let go. 

But when we look at Willow's toddler behavior, we can see that doing it on her own wasn't working for her. Her strength and knowledge and frustration was never going to open that iPad. Ever. Only her mommy could. It required no new knowledge or strength from me. It was second nature for me. Cake. 

So you know where I'm going with this, right? 

In 2 Cor 12:9 here is what we learn about God. It's the first scripture that completely changed my whole way of living and freed me up from holding on so tightly. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Let go of the thing/situation/problem that you're holding onto. The only way I know how to do this is by taking your eyes off the problem (even if that means to stop focusing on fixing) and place them on Jesus. How? Prayer, reading his word and meditating on it, talking about His truth with your brothers and sisters, serving in His name, being His hands and feet, praying for others, etc. 

He needs you weak. Isn't that freeing?  You don't have to be strong so that God can work. In fact, see that scripture up there? He needs your weakness so that HIS STRENGTH can be perfected. 

All that to say, if you can, let go of the thing. You're getting frustrated and angry and all worked up trying to accomplish something you'll never accomplish anyway. You can pray, "God this is so big. I don't know how to let go of it. Help me trust you. Pry my fingers from it. Give me your peace and wisdom. HELP ME!!!" Be transparent and open with Him. He cares for you and He isn't scared or surprised a bit by your weakness. He requires it. 

You may have grown up with a parent who pushed you and always wanted you to be the strongest. Don't apply that parental mentality to your Heavenly Father. God is for you in a different way. He doesn't push for performance. He doesn't clap the loudest when you win. His arms are open wide no matter how hard you try.  And let's face it...a lot of the time letting go is harder than holding on. 

He's got you. Let go. 

I feel deep again. -Asher, 6

I'm taking a shower when I hear a little voice say, "mommy, I feel deep again."

I peek from behind the shower curtain to see Asher standing there all sheepish with his hands in his pockets. 

"What does that mean?" I ask. 

He looks down for a second. "Mommy, do you buhmember when you said I was deep?"

And then I did. Buhmember. He crawled on my lap weeks ago and said, "mommy sometimes I just can't sleep because I need to sleep by you. And sometimes...I miss you even when I'm with you. What's that called?"  

I swear good people, I'm not making any of this up. 

"Oh buddy, it just means you're deep. You feel everything really deeply and that's good, but it can feel hard. You have a lot of deep love in your heart." 

He just now popped in again and said, "mommy I still feel deep. And I want to go back to the old house."

Everything about my nostalgic, loving little man runs deep. I can't believe I get to be his mom. He's an intense little fella which is hard to parent at times but I wouldn't trade an ounce of his food allergy riddled, wild man, deep little self. 

He loves hard and unafraid and I want to be like him. I'm so scared to love deep, with my arms outstretched. I'm a runner. Intimacy leaves me cowering in inadequacy. I avoid. 

And look what I've created from this body that flees. A body that runs headlong into love.