I'm not religious...I'm spiritual

"I'm not religious...I'm spiritual" 

Me neither. 

But not in the good way that people who say that think of it.  Now before I get started there are probably a lot of ways you could get all technical about the term "religion" and how it's more than what I'm saying and not the same as "religious" but just...don't.  Hear the heart of this and let that be ok.   

This hit me when Isaac read a scripture to me the other day: I'm not religious. The Word says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. " - James 1:27

I don't take care of widows and I don't take care of orphans. Sure, I collect clothes for them and then drop them off on the metaphorical doorstep of the church (actually, I just give them to my mom to take).  But I don't love them. Not really. That's too close for me (I have issues with intimacy, can ya tell?)  

I WANT to WANT to be serious about true religion. Not in the way we've mangled the term in American Christianity.   What do you think of when you think of the word religious?  I asked around and here is what people think of first when they just hear the word: 

Hypocrisy
Judgmental people 
Yuck 
Eye roll
Rules 
Misled
Doubled minded
Pharisee
Ritualistic 
Messy 
Misrepresentative
Snobby 
Fanatical  
Taking care of widows and orphans...wait a minute!  NO ONE said that.  

It's not good but it can be, people! 

I guess I am religious when it comes to what the world sees as religious. I'm any number of those things above, daily.  It's easy for someone to say "don't be so hard on yourself, Courtney, you're human.  We all get it wrong, what's important is that you get it right starting now."  

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I've known this for so long and just pretended to forget.  My life is busy, I've got my own issues, I'm too anxious around people, it's not my ministry.  It's NOT OK.  I wrote a blog like this on January 2nd, of this very year.   

I'm So Scared to Pray this Prayer   You should head over after this and read the whole blog (it's short) but here is what I prayed in it:

Lord, in 2013 and EVERY YEAR I HAVE LEFT break my heart of stone for what breaks yours and then give me the strength to ACT! I'm scared of what that will feel like because I've never looked head on at things in this country and others that are too horrible to see. I'm scared to pray this prayer, but I'm willing. Change me. Align my heart with Yours. Break me. I'm scared, but You have not given me a Spirit of fear.  I can't even imagine at this point that such a break is possible, as I'm typing this and telling You, I'm pretty sure I'll back out.  But I want what You want even when it hurts.  I know Your will can be done in my life.  In faith, I'm giving You a permission that you don't need, but want.  I love You with all that is within me.  Amen.  

So obviously, I've thought this before and felt pretty good about my thoughts. But I DON'T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEM ANYMORE. I feel sick. Thoughts and good intentions don't hold the hand of a homeless woman dying with no one around to even give her human contact before she dies.  Thoughts and good intentions don't hold the sweet 7 year old boy who no one wants to raise because he's too old in the system and wild because WE DIDN'T GET TO HIM SOON ENOUGH IN THE FIRST PLACE.  What on earth am I here for? Me?  God I hope not because I'm not worth it.  I want to want this, but I'm so lazy.  (Get the vision in your head of me standing outside alone, arms dangling by my sides, head flung back, tears streaming down my face and throwing a hissy fit).  I don't want this blog to be enough. My intentions to be enough. My way with words to move OTHERS to be enough.  ACTION.  That's what is needed.   From me.

My God, my God I have forsaken you  

For myself; For my own comforts

OVERandOVERandOVERandOVER  

That's why I must die to my self

OVERandOVERandOVERandOVER

I don't care WHY you are a widow or orphan or WHERE you are a widow or orphan, I want to take care of you and I want to not be polluted by the world.  I want to be consistent in living out what I believe.  Not just to take care of others but for people who are sick of Christians to see we aren't all "religious" in the way you think of the word. I want them to see to the heart of my religion.  And then I don't want to care what anyone thinks anyway as long as I'm living out my faith.  

Brennan Manning says, “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians: who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” 

I'M SORRY.  Weeping and on my knees I'm so, so sorry.  I am humbled by my inadequacies over these past 10 years.  And still, He'll use them for good.  

I want to be different for the glory of my God....and honestly because at least if you look at me through eyes that don't believe what I do, you can respect me for living out what I say I believe with my mouth and type with my hands.  You won't think Christianity is just an excuse to pretend you're better than others.   (It's not btw, it's SO much the opposite)

This blog canNOT be enough anymore. I don't want any "yeahs" and "high fives" even though my flesh knows I DO!  Here is a secret (as if you haven't figured it out).  I CRAVE validation and words of affirmation more than most.  I don't know where it comes from, it doesn't matter.  I just love words period.  So when they're positively flung toward me, I practically get drunk off of them.  I just want to change in the deepest part of me that no one sees and let it flow outward.  I don't have the strength for it.  But, that's ok because God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.  I have to be weak and know it's ok to feel intense feelings. I can't run away from them anymore.   I need accountability for this, but I'm scared to seek it out.  I'm not even going to get into the fact that I'm showing my kids how they should treat people...it scares me.  

One last thought.  While anyone can live a life filled with taking care of others, for Christians there's no point in taking care of widows and orphans and shutting out the loud booming voice of the world if Jesus isn't at the heart of our lives.   Let's all step back and start there.  Again and again and again if we have to. And if you don't know what I'm talking about but you're curious...talk with me about it.  I'm not going to force feed you Jesus or thump your head with a bible if that's what you're worried about.  Pastor Steve once said that the world has a gag reflex just like we have for food. If you shove Jesus down someone's throat, they'll vomit Him back up.  It's just conversation and we can assume we're adult enough to hear what one another has to say without assumption or judgement.  I'm here.  

Now before you leave, read the verse above the one I mentioned: 

Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. (James 1:26 NIV)

Ok. Let's do this.  

Willow's birth story

I'm coming back up to say that after I wrote this, I realized I never intended to write so much before I actually got to the actual birth story. The birth story starts after the ***  below.  Also, I never meant to write so much, period. Geez

Let me just start this out by saying that I love being pregnant.  I love labor and delivery and breastfeeding.  I was so sad that after Asher I wouldn't get that opportunity again because we were "done."  I talked about being a surrogate.  I never dealt with morning sickness (just food aversions and some mild nauseau for three weeks with Ash) or a lot else a lot of pregnant women have to deal with.  I feel more at home in my body and more confident when pregnant than any other time.  I feel like I just glow from within.

That being said...

Aside from feeling confident with my body, Willow's pregnancy was hard.  HARD.  The intense morning sickness lasted until around week 20 and it was worse because I just wasn't expecting it.  I was on multiple medications for the last 2 trimesters, had to deal with repercussions from those, I had kidney stones and infections.  For the first time in a pregnancy, I had a hemiplegic migraine (actually 2) and I couldn't take medication for them.  For around six weeks in the beginning of my 3rd trimester, I felt such a deep depression followed by anxiety (which wasn't altogether new...that sort of happened to a lesser degree with Ash's pregnancy and I had a long bout with post partum depression after Zoe was born).

The week we found out I was pregnant, we also signed on our new house.  Timing... The day after we moved most of our boxes and stuff in, the morning sickness hit.  I just didn't know it could be so bad.  It all seemed like terrible timing.  Isaac had to do IT ALL after we had things moved in.  He worked day and night on the house and day and night at work (he works swings).  I felt guilty, the kids were in a new place, it was just messy.

So, all that to say I was really looking forward to labor and delivery.  I was obsessed with collecting preemie clothes because with my other two I was so unprepared.  (This time she was too long to fit in most of the things I had, which is a great problem to have)  I had my bags packed at 33 weeks and in the car because I had never made it far enough in a pregnancy to have bags packed and ready.  I joked that because my other labors were so fast that this one would probably take forever since the pregnancy was so different. I was wrong.  Sort of...

So, a little bit about my other two births.  In short, I knew nothing about what I wanted with Zoe, it was an induction that I didn't question at 35 weeks (I was maybe in early labor anyway but the induction was due to "low fluid"), I got the epidural at 3cm and at 7cm I could feel a lot from my belly button down.  The doctor wasn't there yet and they expected me to push for awhile, but her head was just there.  They made me stop pushing.  Yep.  MADE ME STOP PUSHING!  Literally pushed my legs together and turned me on my side.  She was 5 weeks early and we were banking her cord blood, so I guess they wanted the doctor there.  Anyway, doc got there, I pushed once and she came out.

With Asher, I knew what I wanted.  I had a different set of doctors.  When labor started at 36 weeks, I labored all night at home and went to the hospital where I was 4cm and dilated a cm an hour until Asher just came out.  The doctor pushed my leg back to push and he just came out.   It.  Was.  Awesome.

With Willow, I went in at 34 weeks with contractions that rivaled Asher's at 8cm.  One to two minutes apart, very intense and they were lasting about a minute.  They showed up on the monitor as being huge and I was scared.  I didn't want her here that early, but the pain was so bad I sort of just forgot.  They checked me and I was 1cm dilated.  ONE.  So, I figured ok, in an hour or so I'll probably be 4 and I'll know it's real.

One hour later, contractions worse, 1cm.  This taught me a lot.  "False labor" isn't just NOT knowing what a contraction is.  It's your body preparing for labor and IT. CAN. HURT.  So, they gently sent me home and the contractions stopped around midnight.  From there on out, I would have moments like that that lasted around four hours.  I couldn't walk or talk, I just had to contract and breathe and hypno birth and whatever else got me through.  I'd say that happened 1-2 times per week, so I know it could have been worse but I feel like I labored for 5 weeks y'all!  Also, after the "false labor" the next day I lost my mucus plug.  FIVE WEEKS before I gave birth.  So there's another lesson for you.  It doesn't necessarily mean labor is coming anytime between losing that and two weeks.  From 34 weeks until I gave birth, sore doesn't even do justice what I felt.  Her head was so low, everything seemed ready except...Willow wasn't.

You cannot plan labor.  I knew that, but living it was hard.  Harder than I imagined.  

***

Ok, so Willow's birth.  I was 39 weeks and 2 days.  FAST AND FURIOUS! Fast was the awesome part, right?  Furious...not so much at the time.

At 8:00am after Isaac had taken the kids to school, I sneezed four times while watching The Today Show and felt the first contraction.  I called him to see where he was because it felt more like a cramp so I wasn't sure.  He came inside immediately (he was cleaning out the car) and by that time I was halfway up the steps to change clothes, I was clinging to the banister. We called my mom to fill her in and she was going to wait to hear from us. From that moment, it literally didn't stop hurting until she was out.  Not just contraction pain, though. There was no build up, climax and settling down.  It was out of control from the first second and I just wish I would have planned for that. Well, not that anyone could have planned for that...I just wish I would have known labor could be like that. That's why I'm telling you, not to scare you but to let you know that labor can look different for every birth. I thought I had planned for every type of birth and outcome, but I didn't even know...

I had a birth play list ready to play, I was looking forward to breathing through contractions.  But what I got was begging Isaac to run red lights and screaming "EXCUSE ME please!!!!!" to the elderly couple walking in front of our wheelchair.  Isaac threw the keys at a valet guy, said "Hutchinson!" and off we went to the elevator.

I kept trying to remember all that I knew, and at first I just wasn't capable of dealing with what was going on.  And so in that way, that was how I was dealing with it.  Moaning and unable to follow commands.  The nurses were amazing and let me just do things as I could.  I couldn't take off my clothes and when they checked me I heard "she's 9 1/2...no wait...she's complete forget the gown!"  I knew though.  When she checked me and I didn't feel anything, oh did I know!  All you pregnant/former pregnant women out there know that when your cervix is checked, YOU KNOW IT.  So, I guess she was just right there.

They took my bed to the labor room from triage and it took me a long time to move from one bed to the next and the nurses just waited on me.  They didn't rush me.

There was never a time I could breathe and gather my thoughts.  Isaac called mom and said "they're prepping her" and my  mom asked, "for what????"  Isaac said, "she'll start pushing soon."  So, at that point mom and Amanda (Isaac's sister/birth photographer/always in my labor room) RUSHED to the hospital (they were very close by) and barely made it for Willow's arrival.  I remember hearing Amanda's tripod or something going up.  Then they all started chatting and laughing about how crazy it was I was going so fast and I screamed "EVERYONE WHO JUST WALKED IN, SHUT UP!"  And they did because I needed to work. (We can laugh about that now because they knew what was up.)

My body was shaking so hard that my hand was hitting the bed hard and that helped in a strange way. It was rhythmic. The next thing that happened was so weird to me.  I didn't feel pressure or the need to push, but my body just started pushing.  It was the only part of the experience that I felt in control of, just allowing my body to do its thing.  I helped it by pushing too hehe. That was hard though. It would have been nice to feel a need to push.

They tried to get me to pull my legs back, but I just couldn't push like that, so I pushed with my feet sprawled over the stirrups and all of the nurses (I swear it felt like I had my own little gang of nurses, I don't know how many were in there but they were all awesome and so supportive) cheered me on. By this point, I was having more typical contractions.  It still hurt in between but there was more of a rise and fall and at least 5-10 seconds between with a smidge less than excruciating pain where I could pull myself together, focus and remind myself what needed to be done.

I was saying very typical things like "I can't do this" and "help me" and they'd reply with "you ARE doing it, keep going!"  Toward the end of pushing, a nurse said, "ok stop and breathe and do it again" and I just couldn't.  Stop, that is. I could not have made my body stop pushing. It was on some sort of giving birth auto-pilot which was great! I just pushed and pushed and pushed.   I don't know how many pushes it took, it all ran together.  It was more than my other two births combined, which isn't all that much.  Maybe like 3-5 contractions worth?  Amanda guesses 10 minutes.  Then...I felt her crown.

Yes, the ring of fire was upon me.  

For a split second, I pictured this:

It was intense to say the least, but pushing helped.  I heard someone say "look at that dark hair" and as much as I was gloriously lost in birth, it was this little spark of a reminder that I was doing it and it was almost over.  As soon as her head was out, I said the most cliche birth saying EVER:

GET. HER.  OUT.  OF MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

And I mean, I screamed it you guys.  More than once.  And it felt good.  I've never been a screamer during labor, but I did just then and it got me through.   What felt like 10 minutes later but was maybe under a minute, she was out.  They pulled up my gown and placed her on my stomach for quite some time before they even wiped her off.  She was crying, I was wide eyed and I said,

"I know, I'm freaked out, too."  

And it was over. I heard her cry and realized that I had forgotten that I was getting a baby at the end of this.  I was shocked!

One hour and nine minutes after my first contraction at home, 32 minutes after we got to the hospital, Willow Gracen entered the world weighing 7 lbs 1oz (my biggest baby) and 20.5 inches long (longest, too).  

The other two kids, I didn't feel that magical bond with right away.  It came a little later, but no one told me that I might not have the weepy "THIS IS MY CHILD" hold her up like Lion King moment.  Sometimes you don't and that's normal.  But, I had it with Willow.  She was in my heart from that first contact and the bond was sealed.  It was amazing because the whole pregnancy I doubted my ability to parent three kids.  I was worried I would end up letting one of them down or something, but bonding with her right away, I just knew I could do it.  God knew I needed that bond and he saved it for me.

She latched on to nurse immediately and she hasn't stopped nursing since.

I can't say enough about the nurses in labor and post partum.  Not once did they leave my room without asking if I needed anything and following it up with "are you sure?"  They never got tired of me asking for more ice haha.  I have such respect for doulas and think they aren't used enough!  I feel like each of the nurses held a little piece of my would-be doula that I never hired.  She just came in a different form.

So, I had a one hour labor and delivery.  Didn't see that coming.  We saw our pediatrician in the hallway as they were wheeling me to my room and he said "well, I heard that was easy."  I flipped him off.   (Ha!  Love you Dr. Evans!)

The recovery was amazing.  Physically and emotionally.

Since the birth, we've heard a lot of jokes about me being Superwoman and I just want to say here that we all are.  No matter how you get your child:  vaginally, cesarean, medicated, at home, underwater, no interventions at all, from a bio mom, from a different country... WE ARE SUPERWOMEN.  And our support team (whoever they are, whatever that looks like for you) is the reason we can be.  

*There is no other man ON EARTH who can fan a laboring woman like MY MAN!  Nor could any one support me in the way I NEEDED to get through this and not make me think I'm crazy for wanting to go natural.  I didn't even tell people that was my plan because I just didn't want to hear anything negative surrounding it.  (I didn't tell them with Asher either)

*There are no two amazing kids like Zoe and Asher who just let me be sick while they ate pop tarts until I could get up and feed them better.

*There is no other mom in the world who could fight for what I needed in these births when I couldn't ask, like my mom.

*There is no other birth photographer EVER who could capture it all and not only NOT throw up, but celebrate it because these babies were hers too, like Aunt Mandy.

*There is no other fellow pregnant mama who could hear my worries and pray for me always and commiserate and encourage like Jennifer Wayne.  (our due dates were 2 weeks apart, but our babies came 5 days apart)

*There is no other nurse alive who could have helped me through this birth like Cindy Jefferson, my calm place.  Later when I was laughing about being so out of control she said, "you may have felt out of control but you weren't...you were doing what needed to be done."  Sigh

*There is no other doctor's office I would ever choose over Drs. Lee and Assaley.  And the staff?  AMAZING!  Both docs listened to what I had to say at every appointment, never rushed me out and even laughed with me.  The nurses and staff in the office were all so sweet and never made me feel silly for calling and never rushed me off of the phone.

*There is no other friend/birth advocate/childbirth educator/La Leche League leader who could answer all of my questions and tell me I could do this years before I did, like Sarah DeGroff.  I'm so blessed to know her as a friend first and a non-judgmental source for information second.  Check out her page, Well Rounded Birth Prep

*There is no other church community that could have come together and surrounded me with all I needed like the one I have.

And my goodness so many more people who kept me laughing during the pregnancy, helped when I was too sick to do anything and prayed for our sanity and health.  Our Care Group that meets twice a month was with me through it all and somehow woman after woman in that group kept getting pregnant, too!  Haha, it was in the amazing food brought every week, I think!

However you do it, whoever is with you, YOU ARE AMAZING!  Own your birth story and be proud of it.

Here are a few pictures that I haven't posted yet.  Each tells a story for me

During labor.  Isaac was fanning so fast you can't even see the laminated paper haha

After the belly skin to skin, we moved her up and this was that moment that I really looked at her

This was our first calm look at her after the skin to skin and initial nursing session (that hasn't really stopped yet...she came out just knowing what was up)

This was "after" He wanted to give me a high-five, but it was so, so weak you guys

Super nurse, Cindy!!!

Dr. Lee, who took my screams in stride.

He seems happy.  Willow...not so much

All of her fun stats :) 

the past- are you Rico or the Joker???

I'm typing out a whole chapter of a book for you with swollen, pregnant fingers if that tells you how much you need to hear this.  Ok, it's only a three page chapter, but still...  It's from the book by Steven James (who I use in my blogs ALL the time, he's my fave) called Becoming Real.

This chapter is about examining your past, or living there.  Like Rico in Napoleon Dynamite reliving his glory days (although I'm suspicious he never REALLY had any) or like the Joker whose every move in the present is because of things (real or unreal) that happened in the past.

The title makes me squirm a little because our culture has been in this stage, for the past decade or so, where EVERYONE uses the excuse of "being real" to just say what they want and be obnoxious and loud...all the while leaving out love and truth...and you aren't allowed to get mad because they're just "being real with you."  Evangelists, singers, comedians, friends...  I hate it.  Anyway, this book isn't like that.  The title may lead you to think that, but it's not.  So, I'm not commenting on what he's saying, I just want you to hear it.  If I underline something, it's not underlined in the book, it's just a part that resonated with me on a very deep level.

***

Instant replay allows millions of sports fans to relive the highlights (and low points) of sporting events just seconds after they occur.  The big catch, the free kick, the breakaway slam dunk, the fumbled ball...

Most of us will never see ourselves in an instant replay on TV, but we all have private replay screens in our minds.  We replay the highlights (and low points) from the past:  it might be the time that girl laughed at you in ninth grade, the time your boss chewed you out, the day you landed the big account, or the moment you proposed to your spouse.  Sometimes we see the slam dunks, and sometimes the fumbles as we look back at the glories and accomplishments, wounds and mistakes, traumas and triumphs of our lives.  We play those scenes over and over in our minds as we try to figure out exactly who we are and where we fit into this strange, wonderful, mixed-up world.  

Some people only replay the highlights.  They're the stars of their own pasts and continually say, "Remember when I..."

Others only replay the low points.  They're the ones who convince themselves they could never be successful at anything.  They think, If only I had said or done that differently...

But each, in his own way, is setting a trap for himself.  For as the Chinese Christian leader Watchman Nee once said, "Our failure lies in thinking of ourselves too much.  We remember either our virtues or our defeats, both of which hinder Christ from being fully manifested in our lives."  The Words of Peter Kreeft summarize nicely: "Humility is thinking less about yourself, not thinking less of yourself." 

All of these replayed scenes tell only a portion of the story and focus our attention in the wrong direction -- on our past rather than on our future with God.

The process of becoming real requires shutting off that internal instant-replay screen.  That doesn't mean denying the mistakes we've made or pretending the wounds or struggles of our pasts never happened.  (It doesn't mean flattering ourselves by clinging to the past successes either). 

Rather, God's grace sets us free to finally accept all of those scenes for what they are --moments that have helped to shape us but do not define us.  

Our new lives are defined by Christ.  Our worth and our identities don't come from our past successes or failures but from our relationship with God.  For our lives are completely in his hands and no longer under the thumb of the past.  We need to be able to tell ourselves, "I haven't always made good decisions, and I haven't always made bad ones.  But right now, right here, this is where I am.  I won't continue to relive either the glory days or the sorry days.  I am who I am.  I don't have unlimited potential (nobody does), and yet with God's help I can become more than I ever have been.  I'll accept my past as a part of myself, but I'll also accept this moment as the first moment of a brand-new game."

If we can start living out those words, we'll be freer than most of the people on Planet Earth.   Putting the past in its place is vital.  As Paul wrote, "I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing:  Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I  strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven." (Philippians 3:13-14)

Since God forgives all wrongs, there's no reason we should dwell on the past.  We're free from its grip when we're forgiven by the Master.  And since God is in complete control of the universe and nothing slips through the cracks or gets past him, we need not fear or fret about tomorrow, for he holds it securely in his hands. 

The past is past, the future is up to God.  This moment is all we have.  So make it count.

Learn from the past--acknowledge it and move on.  Thank God for the lessons.  Hand him the pain.  Reflect on the past, but don't try to live there.  It's a road that has passed under your wheels.  It's countryside no longer in view.  That doesn't mean you ignore the past.  Let it inform you -- but not distract you.

God has given you this moment to serve him.  What will you do with it?

oh Lord, 

find the darkened corners of my life

and bring them to light.

find the empty places in my soul 

and fill them with yourself. 

find the excuses i love to make

and expose them to the truth.

find me lost in the valleys of loneliness

and lead me to the mountains of communion.

let me be unashamed

to be myself in your presence

despite what i was. 

as you make me into 

who i am.  

A confession about my worship

For a while now, I've been recognizing that my worship is very selfish.  I know enough to know that worship should never be described with the word "self" anywhere near it.  I've just been at a loss at what to do about it.  

If I had a bad week, I'd hold back (which is the opposite for some).  Not out of anger at God, just relying on my feelings (because THEY'VE never led me wrong...I hope you caught that sarcasm).  I'd retreat into my self and pray "help ME"  So, worship was about my experience that week.   If I had a good or amazing week, I'd worship as normal.   While I've been learning a ton about biblical joy, I'm still not great at going through something hard and still exuding that joy.  But I'm growing in that and learning.  

So, today I decided to worship TO God as literally as I could make that happen.  I decided to visualize Him the whole time as if I was standing face to face with my Creator, thanking Him, praising Him for no other reason than that He was God.  And that's more than enough.  I wanted to worship Him in the satisfaction of that alone.  

I thought I would imagine myself at His feet.  God.  Robed, white-haired, all of that vision.  Clouds, whatever.   I know He's so much more than that and that's sometimes a childhood vision, but I need pictures in my head and that's what I was going to use.  

But, what I saw was so different. I couldn't make my mind see anything else.  

It was Jesus (I know, still God), kneeling with His hands raised.  He was weeping without tears.  I can't even come to terms with that image.  

It reminded me that the kingdom of God is so opposite from what we expect.  The first are last, the master is the servant, the servant a King.  It blows me away.   I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WORSHIPING YOU, what are you doing Jesus?  You look like YOU are worshiping.  I thought God would be, like, petting my head or something as I bowed at His feet.  One of my favorite visuals I have of scripture is Jesus (God) praying to Himself on my behalf.  This reminded me of that.  

But how do I worship that?  How do I worship something bowed down already?  Can I get lower?  

At the end of worship, Pastor Steve asked us all to raise our hands and he reminded us that it's a sign of surrender (I just love that because some people get so freaked out at church's where people worship with more than song, they worship with their bodies, but it's not scary...it's just surrender).  

That's what Jesus was doing while I worshiped Him.  Surrendering.  What?  I just don't know what to think at this point.  Lately, my hands have been lifting up high when I feel it most in the music.  As if I'm worshiping worship.  I have to be careful about this (I already knew this). I'm such a worship music junky that it becomes about the music and the words and the flow instead about God.  I don't need to raise my hands when I feel I should or in spite of not feeling good.  It's about surrender.  Not what I look like or how I feel.  About Him.  

All I know is I'VE BEEN DOING IT ALL WRONG.  That's ok, I just need to change my focus.  My worship cannot be circumstantial.  If my focus is half on Him and half on me, then none is on Him.  Try to figure out that math.  Another reminder about the kingdom not being how we do it on earth.  And thank God for that.  

During service, Pastor Steve said "The reality of Jesus Christ is not having a good church service with good programs and what amounts to a social club.  The standard should be, 'are you satisfied with Him ONLY?'"  

My biggest prayer right now is HELP ME WANT THAT, LORD!  Then, he gave me a saying that will help remind me.  "Lord I'm not that...but I want that."  What other relationship compares with the one we have with our Father?  Who could you go to on earth and say, "I don't want you...but I want to want you?"  You'd get a slap in the face or never spoken to again.  Hurt feelings all around! Yet, God wants that transparency in us.  He can work with that.  

I want to want You.  I want to worship you because You're You.  It may look different every week, but my focus is You.

Pastor Steve then went on to talk about how we love the IDEA of God and the IDEA of loving the unloveable, but we don't love executing it.  Same idea with my worship.  Worship is such an amazing experience for me, but I don't want an experience.  I just want God, not the IDEA of worshiping Him.  

So, those are things that I'll be thinking about.  Feel free to pray for me.  Today sort of wrecked me.  In an it'll-be-all-good way.  And the sermon.  Dear Lord.  LOOK FOR JUNE 23RD, 2013's podcast.    Not rereading this blog too much, just posting my thoughts.  

Game of Thorns: Paul/Thorns/Muscles/Superman

My weakness is needed in order to find strength.  Well how convenient..for me.  

Power from weakness.  

Rest  

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

This verse changed my life one day.  I mean chayyyyyynged it. I was praying over a close friend's mom who was in the Cleveland Clinic and looking for scriptures that would "fix" it ya know? Make her feel more at peace, give her hope, show them both that everything would be ok when I just felt helpless... And I found the scripture above, which I had read before but somehow had not seen. I read it and moved on.  I was hanging up clothes an hour later when I realized I was singing a song by Shane and Shane called His Grace is Sufficient.  Suddenly in song form, I heard from my own voice something I'd never seen while reading.  

His power is perfected where? MY WEAKNESS. 

Wait...WHAT?

My weakness is not only expected, but needed in order for his power to be PERFECTED. It did so much for me, more than I can type here, but it was my "life changing/perspective changing" scripture. I think we all have one. And it came when I was looking for someone else.  

Out of nowhere...God.  

Today, I saw the first part of the verse. Something else I've heard a million times but today I'm connecting it with my weakness. "My grace is sufficient for you." 

His grace (favor/covering)

is sufficient (enough/adequate)

for me (because of) His power (capability/command)

when I am weak (not strong; liable to yield, break or collapse under pressure; lacking)  

So, to sum that madness up, I'd say 

Christ's favor in our life is enough for us because He's more than capable to lead us.  But this can only come when we are yielding to Him, willing to break, willing to collapse under Him.   

I can handle that.  Although we live in a culture (American) that has told us over and over to be strong.  Hang in there.  You can do it.  But, that is destroying us because WE CAN'T DO IT. We can't do anything in our own strength. It feels almost like weakness means we aren't doing our part for God, but this scripture tells me that I don't have a part.  Which sort of sounds offensive, but no friend, it's so liberating!  Liberating in Him! 

I've been hearing over and over everywhere I listen and look, even on accident.  Do it in HIS strength.  Trust, peace, fight, live, whatever in His strength, and what I'm realizing all over again is that the only way I can do that is to become weak.  

Weak. To loosen my grip on the sword, so that He can move my arm. I'm still holding the sword, true, but God is directing which way I swing it AND He's the muscle that's holding my arm up.  (I'm thinking sword because that's where we've been in Ephesians at church...The Word is the sword...and what I just now realized is that "sword" is "word" with an S...which for Superman means "hope"...ok that's a stretch but it was fun!  hahahaha)   

So that brings us to the last part...the part I've never thought about at all.   His power RESTS upon us. God's capability and strength and command over everything rests, falls down upon us.  Honestly that one is too new to me to even write about.  I can't wrap my mind around it.  Technically I know what it means, but how to apply it in my life...I have no idea. I think it must take a lot of practice. 

So, because that scripture up there begins with the word "but" I know I need more context, so I checked out what came before what came above.  Here it is: 

⁶ though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. ⁷ So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 

Don't BOAST about the good things in our life, even if it comes from a good place.  Even if it's technically a testimony.  This is confusing because our testimonies are so important (think Revelation 12:11)   But for Paul, he was at such risk of making it about Him that He refrained from doing it. I think we can take a lesson from that.  Think before you speak.  

Is this really glorifying God?  Or does this glorify us even a little?  

In fact when I was looking up scripture about how important it is to have a testimony to prove to you that it's needed, that you still need to give it.  I found more about how The Spirit testifies than how we should.  I'll have to think on that one... 

The next part that rocked my world and should also rock yours is this line: "that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me"  If we would all think this way and live in it, more love would be shown.  I shouldn't want anyone to think MORE OF ME than what he sees God doing in and through my life.  Humbling.  

It was so important to God that Paul not behave in a way that was all about him, that He gave Paul a "thorn." Or at least didn't take that person away.  It was someone to harass him.  How many of you have someone who is your thorn?  Maybe it's because God wants to protect you from yourself.  From becoming conceited.  Maybe you should thank God for that person instead of constantly complaining.

Hello Courtney, nice to meet you.  This is conviction calling.

Stop asking for that thorn to be removed and thank God for the protection it's providing.  Who knows what may happen out of that.

So all of that warning from Paul about becoming conceited and living out the Word to lead into the "but..." 

God, THREE times I've pleaded with You, please take this thorn away...

...But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

and Verse 10

 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So, in your struggles...with your thorns...be weak.  (and don't go attaching guilt to it, ya hear?)

Listen to above song

Peace...I think I'm doing it wrong.

1. I keep adding words where I need to simplify in this entry and I'm sorry, I can't stop.

2. I'm not going to make you work for the point of this.  It's a HUGE revelation that, while it seems simple, rocked my world a few days ago.  You'll find it down there in the blog, too, but I want you to see it now before you read because I'm having a really hard time putting this into words and maybe if you know the point of the blog, it will help.

***

I just realized that peace is not my destination, nor something I am born equipped with. We can ask for God's peace.  We just can't be trusted with our own.  We can have HIS peace only.  His.  We aren't even capable of it ourselves.

***

It seems so simple. So simple that it makes me feel funny for even writing about it, but for whatever reason I have never fully grasped this.  That I don't have peace, there is none within me.  I think I've always felt inadequate or guilty for that, like I was missing something so many others had so easily (seemingly...).  But none of us have it.  So, here are some of my notes regarding this...

I think the reason my journey feels so chaotic and off track sometimes is because I'm always looking for peace as the end place, the destination. A place where I can stop and say I've made it, I've figured life out.  NOW I can live out my purpose. The problem is, we never find it because that's impossible.  So if we seek peace only we'll always feel like failures and we'll never get started.

God's will for us is to always get started where we are. He doesn't need us to run a race ourselves and prove ourselves worthy. He isn't waiting at the finish line of the race we've set up, with a goal time based on ideas we have on what means finished. (psst guess what?  We wouldn't invite anyone else to run in the race anyway, we'd be running it against ourself and our own ideas of what "fast" is).

He doesn't wait for OUR race to be over so HIS race for us can begin. 

The end of the race comes only at...the end. Not the middle. It comes with death and that's the only tape we'll ever burst through. Whether we fall or rise depends on which race we've run.

Ours or His. 

God says he'll give us peace...not that peace is what we should seek as our goal in life. He also promises troubles. And then He encourages us to take heart. Not take every advantage to stop and think we've arrived at our beginning.   

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

We'll never arrive. Ever. Not on earth anyway. We WILL achieve perfect, unending peace but it will be in Heaven. And we should be thankful for that. If we felt perfect peace here on earth what would we need Jesus for?  We NEED to need Him.  We NEED to want to reside with Him in Heaven.  

So the more we seek peace as our goal instead of Jesus (who will give peace but not let us live there) the more frustrated we'll get. We'll feel like failures. 

I don't want peace to be what I strive for, I want it to be a relationship with Jesus and giving Him glory.  But, I have to remind myself of that often.

What's cool, is that we can ask for HIS peace. We just can't be trusted with our own.  WOW, my mind is blown. We can have HIS peace ONLY. Like on loan.  But we'll have to keep coming back to Him to get it. Keep seeking Him. He wants us to seek Him so maybe that's why he holds the peace. We can't get it without Him.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

GOD'S yoke is easy.  GOD'S burden is light.  But we have to come to Him to get it.  Here is another example of His requirement for us to approach Him and how we receive HIS peace.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:6-9

So this is saying talk to God (prayer), be thankful, TELL Him what we need and THEN the peace of God will GUARD our hearts.  We have to continually do this and think on things that are good.  We have to live in that.  I know how good we are at this (not very) so that tells me along with the other verse that says "come to me" that it's something we do daily (hourly).

Maybe parents mimic God in this way...an instinct we have. We hold onto something we know our kids need because they are busy and we like to know they need us.  We like to have a piece of something they need so it will feel like they need US, not that thing.  It's definitely not a pure way of doing things like God, but somewhere deep inside we have that same need that He does.  Interaction.  The need for thankfulness.  He made us in His image after all...

Except we do it to satisfy something within ourselves as parents, God does it out of pure love for His children.  

I always wanted His peace because I figured it was so much better than my own.  A better option.

But I was wrong. So wrong. 

I have NOTHING when it comes to peace. I can't even achieve it. I never had ANY to begin with. It was always from Him. I am empty. He is full.  But, I can access it anytime I just have to approach my father.

His peace wasn't "better" because there was nothing to compare it to.  

So, let's look at the other side.  What if God gave us a full portion of peace at the beginning?  We'd waste it away like the prodigal son. We'd abuse it. We can't be trusted.  So what do we do when we can't trust ourselves?  Trust Him. Recognize He holds the peace.  Go to Him.  DON'T FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU NEED PEACE.  It doesn't mean you're a bad child, it means you have the opportunity to approach your Father and receive what you need. That's amazing!

I knowwwwwwwwww this was repetitive and when I read it, it doesn't even really sound like my writing, but I don't know how else to do it.  Even the grammar and sentence structure is off.  The more I try to explain it, the more messy it sounds and the less I feel like I'm getting the point across.  Maybe you've already gotten it and I'm just throwing it at you for nothing.  BUT, I needed to get it.  I needed to feel this revelation and so that's fine.  I wish so much I finished this blog entry and felt...peace.  hahahahahaha, I swear I just thought that.  Aaaaah Courtney, do you learn nothing, child?????   PEACE IS NOT A FEELING YOU GET.

While writing this blog, this song has been on repeat, for whatever reason, so I thought I'd share.  Please open your heart while you listen and let the peace of God be made known to you.  Melt in His peace, get to know what that feels like.  

I can't believe motherhood is so hard...a weird blog for mothers day

*warning: this blog will likely be semi-incoherent

Motherhood involves so much...stuff. And the emotions. OH GEEZ!

In no other place would we be expected to take such constant button-pushing and not push back. Oh and the kicker????? The more aggravated YOU are, the more aggravated and agitated and hot messy THEY are. So you're expected to be calm throughout the chaos of all of this. And if you want them to be productive, giving members of society who know and serve God with a loving spirit...you have to SHOW them. Pressure? Yeah. IT'S SO HARD!

It's hard...and not all baby toes and Johnson and Johnson commercials. Today we had more meltdowns and drama than on a normal day. On Mother's Day (it probably felt even worse because of some sense of entitlement...thanks Hallmark). At one point Zoe screamed "WHY DO BAD THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME ON MOTHER'S DAY???". Ummm, say what?

But it's like God spikes the good moments with a super concentrated baby lotion potion of pure love and contentment so that it holds us over a little through the hard times.

And it's hard. If it's not I want to say "you're doing it wrong." So it's ok. Even on Mother's Day when all you see are the nano seconds of happiness in pictures on Facebook.

The end.
I still love my kids.
I'm going to bed.