When pain doesn't make sense (which is... ALL THE FLIPPING TIME)

I was flipping through (as I do again and again and again) Sailing Between the Stars by Steven James and I came to this part that gets me every time.  Instead of trying to explain it, I'll just post this page. He's talking about a time in his life when he's trying to figure out pain and its purpose...or lack of purpose.   All of Steven James' words are in red bold.  I'll underline the parts that stood out to me and taught me a lot, as I did in the actual book.

It was all very sensible and logical.  I kept reading and rereading those words, thinking, Okay, then why the heck don't I feel any better?

I think it's because even when we have an answer or an explantation, it isn't enough.  It'll never be enough because it isn't our reason that's suffering; it's our souls.

Pain isn't a premise to be argued.  That's why God didn't send us a syllogisms, but a Savior--one who stepped into the center of our pain and allowed the wounds of the world to be poured into his own heart.  God's love is greater than our pain.  His grace is deeper than our heartache.  And he knows firsthand how hard life on this earth can be.  

Whatever his reason for allowing suffering, God understands what we're going through and can intimately identify with our questions.  He experienced the worst the world had to offer, and now he offers to heal the bruises on our souls with time and grace and glimpses of his love.  

Is this the final answer to why we suffer?  Hardly.  I don't pretend that it is.  But God never auditioned for the role of Answer Giver of the Universe because most of the time it's not even answers that we want.  We want the pain to stop.  Or we want a reason big enough to believe in to help us persevere through the tough times.  Or we want a companion by our side to maneuver with us through the potholes of life.  



That was the part that really got me (we don't want answers really, just just want the pain to stop).  I'll finish this up with the rest of what he has to say about it, which is awesome, too.



So in the end, I'm left with three choices:  1) I can give up on God and tell my heart that he doesn't exist, that he couldn't possibly exist, that life really is as senseless, random, and pointless as it so often appears.  2) I can believe that God does exist but is either too impotent (powerless) to stop the suffering, unaware of the suffering (foolish), unconcerned about those of us who suffer (apathetic), or just plain out to get me (malevolent).  None of these kinds of Gods would be worthy of my worship or my life. 

Or, 3) I can cling to the belief that God really is in control, and really does love me, and really does work good out of both the joys and the hardships, the rights and the wrongs of this world. I can keep leaning on the invisible arm that has supported me in the past and trust that the one who can shape a star on the tip of his tongue can also shape blessings out of my pain.  

Logic only leads me to the place of making a decision: will I believe more in my circumstances or lean more on his love?

In some Christian circles the following verse is used as a cure-all for anything, but the truth that lives in these words is truly powerful and soul-altering:  "We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." (Romans 8:28)  I believe that God can take each of our choices and weave them together into a beautiful symphony.  Even those choices that are notes out of tune can be orchestrated in his hands into something beautiful.  But the score is still being written and the final concert has not yet begun.  

Without God's story at the center of the puzzle, without the overarching narrative of harmony, rebellion, sacrifice, and eventual restoration, we will never be able to make sense of the pain and glory of life.  Hints of his love glimmer in the darkness. The heads of wheat sway in the breeze.  A girl sings in the candlelight.  A father baptizes his daughter.  A lamb cries out from a wooden cross.  A man takes the hand of his dying wife.  A deity weeps 107 times a minute.  A king dances along a golden street singing my name.  

I am nothing-- how could I ever find the answers?  I will put my hand over my mouth in silence. I have said too much already.  I have nothing more to say.  


There is a pic on Pinterest that says "one day this pain will make sense to you."  Sigh.  I didn't believe it, but it was pretty and a pretty thought.  A hopeful one.  One that I can now see can be true, but not always.  Sunday during worship, Jen was talking about how it may be winter for you now, BUT SPRINGTIME IS COMING!  You may not be able to see it, but it's there!  God is with you in the winter as much as the spring.  He speaks to you and holds you in both places.

I speak to you from a place of flower-blooming, fragrance-filled, dancing-through-the-fields, cartwheels-for-no-reason-Spring-time.  I'm still going through stuff but it's different here in the Spring time.  I look back through the pages of my pain and I see now that I HAD to go through it to get here.  Otherwise, I would still be numb.  That pain DID have a purpose, Pinterest!  You were right!  And not only you, oh wise time waster of the internet, but GOD said it.  First.  I'm sure I have a winter coming up, but after you've been through the seasonal change from winter to spring, maybe JUST MAYBE winter won't be so bad because hope can be found there.  Maybe my first winter was to teach me HOW to hope.  I don't know...

Below are just a few examples of pain and suffering and what it means for Christians (and proof that pain happens, you can expect it) He disciplines us, the world hurts us, we hurt ourselves... there is plenty of time of pain, but when we persevere, we are taught endurance..  And wee will find ourselves IN HEAVEN ONE DAY!  The most amazing thing to ponder EVER.  Keep going.  It won't always be like this.

2 Cor 4:7-11 
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. ⁸ We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;¹⁰ always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. ¹¹ For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. ¹² Sodeath is at work in us, but life in you.

 2 Cor 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Romans 5:3-5
 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Hebrews 12:10-11
For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. ¹¹ For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

2 Cor 4:17
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison

The American Dream...it's not for me

Toward the end of bible study last night, Pastor Steve talked about the American Dream and how maybe (definitely) it's not what we should be striving for.  The following is an email I sent to him after church:

Pastor Steve,

Before we came to Celebration, Isaac had picked up Radical by David Platt and that's when we starting thinking about what you were talking about tonight: the American Dream and how it's ruining us (Isaac was WAY more open to it, than I was...I thought it was just another Christian "we're doing this wrong" book).  We had been seeking it out.  We did radically change then (Isaac more than me and we still have a ways to go, but we're moving in the right direction).  

Before, we felt almost entitled BECAUSE we were American even though we didn't have anything to do with that.  We were just born here, we didn't earn it.   

Makes a TON of sense, I know... blah.  It was the first time you talked about it that I felt that Isaac and I were on the same page.  The first time that I wasn't like "oh crap, Isaac is hearing this.  This is going to start something.  He's going to get all amped up and quit his job or something stupid"  or "thank you Jesus Isaac isn't here to hear this" or "STOP PASTOR STEVE, this makes me nervous and I don't want to be accountable for THIS!"     

I mean, you talk about it a lot.  (thankfully)  I don't know if you realize that, but you throw it in here and there often, which is AMAZING because it seems no one is talking about it.  All we had ever done was SEEK OUT OUR BLESSING, we deserve it because blah, blah, blah.  Through your blessing you'll find God, instead of... just find God.  But, we're finding him.  TRULY finding Him.  Something has clicked.  

I am FINALLY getting to the point of emailing you.  On the way home I was getting Ash out of the car seat and he asked, "mommy, does this keep me safe?" and to make it click for him (pun intended) I said, "of course it does, you can't get hurt if you're strapped in...now if you get out while the car is moving, you'll definitely get hurt."  

kahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhBOOM

Instantly, I knew that the American Dream is our seat belt.  

It's not a huge revelation, I guess...well, at least not a prophecy or anything and anyone could have come up with, but I  knew it was God because the whole thought pattern was instantly in my head as if I'd been pondering the analogy for a while.  

The seat belt is our American Dream and we think as long as we're buckled in, we're good.  We know deep down that a piece of wood could come crashing through the window, impaling us and our seat belt wouldn't make a lick of difference, but we like to ignore that part and keep saying "we're so safe!  These seat belts are going to save us! Thank God for these seat belts" instead of just "thank you God, you are good, I trust you because you're You not because you'll keep me safe in this world...but because you're equipping me to bring more souls to YOUR world.  Seat belts and car seats be darned, God I just need you!  I'll surf on top of this car while it's moving if it'll glorify you more!!!!"  

Another reason that I know it's God is because man, I had stuff to do!  I had to pee and let the dog in and get the kids ready for bed and make sure Ash peed and plug in my phone.  And NONE of that got done.  It seems silly b/c it really isn't that big of a revelation, and it's stuff you ALREADY SAID I just knew I was supposed to tell you and I've learned not to question that.  

When it's instant, for me, it's God.  

Have you ever had that kind of thing happen?  It's like instead of thinking thoughts in your head they're all laid out for you in advance and all you have to do is follow them to see where they lead.  They're not your thoughts!  That means...  they're someone else's ;)   Sometimes it comes out in my writing. I'll write a poem and then LEARN FROM IT!  God is crazy cool. 

Thanks for everything,
Courtney 

I love America. I love dreams.  But put those words together and you get an idea that we've latched onto that has sort of duped us.  If you're a Christian, you seek, seek, seek, and achieve, achieve, achieve and if you finally get there (the American Dream), it often ends in complacency.  The opposite of radical love.  

If you aren't a Christian and you seek, seek, seek and achieve, achieve, achieve until you make it to the American Dream, then what?   What does it mean?  Security?  That sounds good, I'll admit, I'd LOVE to feel secure, but really I just want to be content...in any and all situations.  If you seek that Dream as your end all, what if you lose it?  Christian or not?  Where is your purpose????

Maybe when you say American Dream, you really mean something other than what I'm saying, I don't know.  But question yourself.  I want to help people.  Not because I'm good, I'm not.  

I AM CALLED  

We all are.  Stop for a minute today and ask yourself about your goals in life.  Ask yourself if what you're striving for will really make you happy, anyway.  Ask yourself if all of this work to get wherever you want to get IS WORTH IT.  Maybe you'll say yes, but if you say maybe then start seeking.  

I just had some deep thoughts in the shower (where they always come to me, no joke haha)  I was thinking about how people should admit their strengths more often.  Not in a "way to go, me" way but just acknowledge them to themselves.  We're so down on ourselves so often, so I made myself come up with three of my own.

For example, I am really good at saying no.  I'm also pretty good at not having too much to do, if I feel stressed, I just hole up in the house with my little family and regroup.   I never have to pencil in time for that, I'm just really good at making sure it happens.  (ok with any of these strengths too far in the wrong direction can be bad.  Sometimes, I hole up TOO much to escape, so there is definitely a balance).

This all led to me think that I'm also pretty good at remaining in awkward silences (especially when people are hurting).  You just never know what thoughts are coming together in that silence, what God is speaking to that person in that silence that you think will go on and on forever.  If you speak to just fill it, he/she may miss an important moment or a revelation.

The point of all this, is that I'm challenging you today to sit with someone in their silence.  Don't talk to fill it up, don't immediately jump to how that somehow relates to YOUR life, just sit with them awhile.  Don't miss it!  Silence is ok, but we live in this world where we want to fill up every second with something.  (I'm the worst).  

 When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.  -Henri Nouwen

Please, please hear me

Today, I was listening to an amazing podcast of a church service that I missed on 8/5/12.  Please, please look up this podcast.  There are two parts (DON'T miss the 2nd part).  If you're in iTunes, search "Celebrate Something Real" and maybe add Huntington, WV.  The title is Grace Vol. 10 and it was posted on 9/14

What spoke to me the most in this message was toward the end.  Pastor Steve said (I'm paraphrasing a little):

God is not winking at our sins.  God isn't looking over your sin.  God is looking through Jesus to your sin and saying 'there is an answer, you don't have to be a slave to that.'  The grace of God will set you free.  

I don't even know where else to go in this blog except to plead with you to listen to this whole message.  A part in the beginning that I loved was when he said (again paraphrasing a little): 

The reason why we can't see how unsearchably rich God is, is because we're drunk.  Not on alcohol, but on the world (even good things that are just distractions).  The Word of God says to stay sober.  

There's nothing I can do to get the point across of this whole message and how it fits together for you, from God, I just want you to hear it!  I've never felt this desperate to get  a message of love and grace to the world like this!  

Even if you think you'll hate it, just go check it out.

Much love,

C