Zoe, anxiety, and the summer from hell

**Zoe has given me permission to talk about her anxiety because she wants people who live with it to know they aren't alone. That said, please don't mention the blog or bring it up the issue of anxiety to Zoe when you see her. I'm protecting her, as she's only 9. A brave 9, but 9 all the same!**

Zoe (11) has anxiety like her mama (35). 

Dealing with anxiety in a child can be as hard to navigate as food allergies, at times. It may not be as physically scary (as in harm to her body, in Zoe's case), but it can rule our lives all the same. 

So it's good ground for her family to practice laying down our lives for someone else and taking our own feelings (and even aggravations at plans changing) and squashing them. 

Last year, Zo went to therapy once a week, then graduated to "as needed." Until recently she hasn't needed it. But summer is hard on her. She has an appointment in the morning and I feel relief that we have such help available. It's been a really bad summer, maybe the worst for her anxiety. Definitely the worst. I won't give details but we've left a lot of places (theaters at the start of a movie, church, play dates) and she has a hard time leaving home, even for the things she loves the most. 

It's weird to see the hard parts of yourself manifest in your children. It's easy to feel guilty, but let me tell you why you should shut that guilt down. Even the most terrible things can hold purpose...can be used for good. I'll give you an example from our life. 

We don't push scripture down our kids' throats (gag reflex, ya know?) but because it's the most important thing in our lives, of course we want them to hear it and get to know it and it's Author (one and the same) It's just woven into our lives. Ultimately, it's their decision. All that to say, we know how powerful the inspired words of God are. 

Zoe's never more receptive to hearing those words and to prayer than when she's in the thick of it, in anxiety's grip. She begs for me to read psalms, she calms as I pray over her, she knows God is ok when anxious thoughts invade because He talks about it...a lot. Not many other kids get these lessons this deeply, this early. Would I rather her be more typical?  Yes, of course. For her own sake because I hate to see her like this. I hate to see her suffer. 

But...

1. I realize now that no one is "normal" and everyone has their "stuff." Just because the littles that we're raising are little doesn't mean they won't face the same things we face as adults. You aren't doing anything wrong if your child is anxious or depressed or deals with sensory overload or autism or OCD or has ADHD. 

2. I've begun to even thank God for the good that comes from her attacks and nerves. During them, I thank Him in faith and after because I can see how He held her within it. 

How can I say this? Because, for the sake of survival and then thriving, she's going to learn from a very young age how to cope and that it's ok to not be ok. She'll tell other people this. She's more compassionate toward people who have a hard time with things. She has a hard time. Her brother has a hard time with another thing. You make room for people's "stuff" in order to have their amazing presence in your life. At 9, she already knows this. 

The most amazing thing is that with parenting you GET to take all of the stuff it has taken you half a lifetime to learn and you pour it into another human being. Everything I've learned about coping with anxiety, without and then with Jesus, I get to give to Zoe. What a gift! All of the lessons. 

Children get ALL of the benefit of their parents' sufferings. 

Reminds me of Jesus... 

This means (and this chokes me up) that MY anxiety has purpose. I don't think I could live in a world where the hard, dark times were for nothing. 

Turns out, they aren't. They are for Zoe. 

Parenting is hard

We take so much of the blame when  parenting is hard. But shouldn't it be hard?

Being a child, navigating the world, learning about humanity and the whys and hows is hard too. We're all doing the best we can and humaning is intense!  Don't you remember?  Being a child and feeling misunderstood and unimportant because of your age?  Meanwhile you have these big ideas and everyone is like "quiet down."

I was listening to a song and it said something like, "this is for the kids who are told don't speak until spoken to and then are never spoken to." We shut them down a lot. We should really listen more. Encourage them to do hard things and let those things be hard. 

Even with the BEST most "on it" parenting, it is difficult. And "on it" parenting just means you have the child's best interest at heart. It doesn't mean you remember to pick them up from school EVERY time 😉 or you remember to pack their lunch EVERY morning 😉 Hahahaha Not that I've ever done those things NO. *insert one million winks here*

I'm just saying, for some reason when it's hard we start looking for a reason why so that we can blame ourselves when sometimes, it's just difficult and it's nobody's fault. You aren't failing as a parent, your child isn't falling into a deep pit where he/she can't be redeemed. 

Keep moving. Keep loving.

I often forget...it feels hard to be a parent but what about a brand new human??  I mean 9 is not a lot of years. How crazy it is learning the intricacies of communication and moods (yours and others) as a little one!!

It's hard because it's hard.

And to parent that????  SO HARD

Sometimes I expect her to just know things but she lacks experience and the only way she can get the wisdom that comes with that???  

Yep. 

Doing life and figuring it out and getting frustrated and having hurt feelings and taking it all out on me. 

I have to decide to just take it for the betterment of her and the world.  Love her through it. Teach her through it. 

It's gonna be hard, but if we expect that instead of trying to fix that then we'll be in a much better place. 

Decide what you are, not what you aren't

I just saw a bumper sticker that said "Not a Republican."

It struck me as weird. I mean I'm not a republican either (or a democrat...another story) but if you spend your whole life defining yourself by what you're not, or what you're anti, you're going to be creating a lot of drama and conflict in your life. That can't be your WHOLE ENTIRE message to a lost and dying world. 

So, what ARE you? 

Are you a lover?  A servant?  A tool? A fighter?  A worrier? A warrior? An abuser? A positive force in this world? Whatever it is, own it. Then keep moving in it or change it. 

Decide and then be that. Promote THAT. If you keep screaming at us what you're not/what you're against,  you're inviting the world to a conversation that has no purpose and moves no one forward. Just a lot of noise. You just argue your point and share articles that have headlines that support your stance, meanwhile the world is starving for food and love. Meanwhile, your next door neighbor who vocally disagrees with you is dying in solitude but you won't talk to him. 

Don't let your stance become who you are. Just believe it and then go change the world!  

**Obviously I'm not talking about being anti human trafficking or horrible crimes against humanity or anything like that. I'm anti that, too, OF COURSE. But bringing awareness to atrocities isn't the same as being ugly-proud about where you stand on gay marriage or when you think life begins. Whether you believe Jesus is who he says he is or not, you can't argue that love will save the world a hell of a lot faster than hate. Or worse, pride. 

The joy of [INSERT ANYTHING] is not my strength.

The joy of financial security is my strength. 

The joy of having well-behaved children is my strength. 

The joy of feeling accepted by others is my strength. 

The joy of my weight loss is my strength. 

The joy of owning my own home is my strength. 

The joy of being right is my strength. 

The joy of figuring it out is my strength. 

The joy of good health is my strength. 

The joy of a perfect marriage is my strength. 

The joy of [INSERT ANYTHING] is my strength. 

NO. 

All of those things are temporal. They can all be snatched away from you in a split second. Then what? 

The joy of The Lord is my strength. HIS JOY. 

MY STRENGTH. 

His joy is perfect and He offers it to us. It never changes, even as our circumstances do. How amazing is that?

To the brand new Christian: 11 things that I wish that someone would have told me

Ahhhh, brand new Christian, I weep with joy and excitement for you and for the kingdom of Heaven. 

I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent. Luke 15:7

In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents. Luke 15:10

What I am about to tell you in this blog is scripture heavy because His word is wisdom. The most incredible, beautiful, wise words I've ever known or will ever know. Stories, poetry, songs, romance, humor, lessons, love, love, love...

I don't know if you've avoided salvation, mocked it, wanted it or dreaded it, but I celebrate with you right now!  While this is the most important decision you'll ever make and while it's an occasion to celebrate and be ecstatic about, there are some things you should know.  Things that I didn't know and it took me a decade to realize while making all kinds of assumptions and feeling all kinds of guilt.  

Sometimes we see salvation happen in you and we let you go.  We don't prepare you, we don't disciple you, we don't love you through the transition and I'm sorry.  I hope you have people in your life that will minister to you in this time and I pray you find a sweet church family that will surround you forever. There are some things you need to know and we sometimes forget to tell you. This isn't a complete list, just a few things off the top of my head. Here we go...

1. It'll still be hard. Life. 
(this is the biggie) 

Salvation isn't an instant fix all.  That's not even the point. 
We live on earth. 

With humans. 

Humans are mean, selfish and born sinners. 
Humans.  Ugh.  (oh wait, that's me)

When you say yes to Jesus, your life doesn't become void of troubles. For one, our souls reside in bodies which will wear out. Being a Christian doesn't exempt us from getting cancer or brain tumors or stomach viruses or depression.  Healing doesn't always come in the form of a holy cease and desist order. Sometimes God even needs our sickness to fulfill something amazing in those around us or to pull us closer to Himself.  If you're sick and praying for healing (which you can continue to do, always) and you aren't better in any kind of way you expected, you aren't *doing* anything wrong.  You don't need bigger faith, you don't need to send money to a religious organization, you don't need to DO anything. You can't make it happen faster and you can't make it look how you want. That's both maddening and a relief. 

See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this” (Isaiah 48:10).

(Read 1 Peter 4...amazing stuff relating to this topic)

Also, people will hate us and it will be hard, because we love to be loved and appreciated and validated. Not everyone is going to do those things, even withIN the church. Even if you do everything right, people at some point, will still hate you. 

and you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved. Matthew 10:22 

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds. James 1:2

It will be more than hard, it will be impossible. But...

 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

It doesn't mean we aren't doing it right, it doesn't mean we don't have enough faith. It just means we're in something bigger than ourselves. 

He makes a point to tell us that He's giving us a comforter which means we'll need lots of comfort. We will hurt and we will run to Him. His spirit is also referred to as "advocate" and "helper" 

Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you. 

John 16:7

2. The church is not perfect. 

There are jerks in church. 
Hypocrites. 
Annoying people. 
Trouble makers. 

Constantly you're going to hear, "why would I want to willingly associate with a group of people who are hypocrites? The church does this and that and I've been hurt and..." yeah...we all want to scream I KNOW WE SHOULD BE BETTER BUT WE'RE PEOPLE AND MAKE MISTAKES, HUGE MISTAKES, BUT WE NEVER CLAIMED TO BE PERFECT AND...

Nothing we say seems to make a difference. Because we're in defense mode, maybe. 

This one makes me bang my head against the wall.  It's complicated, ok?  We are called to be unlike the world, yet we are in the world.  So yeah, we aren't perfect.  And yeah...we are forgiven.  I used to have the keychain. *eyeroll*  BUT.  We can't constantly shout that at the world.  

Excuses, excuses. It's all they hear. 

Excuses, excuses. They make us feel better. 

The church is such a good place to practice being in the midst of jerks and hypocrites and the unlovable and loving them anyway. I know this because I am ALL OF THOSE THINGS and I am loved. We learn to love them so that we can go out into the world and love them out there, too.  If we can't even love those who love Jesus, then how are we going to love those who mock us?  Hate us?  Hate our children? Persecute us (truly persecute, not just saying Happy Holidays)?  How???? 

You got it...by loving who He loves which happens to be everyone in and out of the church. 


3. Grace isn't a big blanket you throw over your past. 

You may have come to Jesus all broken up and guilty.  Maybe you've done things that the world says are inexcusable. I know I did.  And I thought that when I got saved, grace was like a big blanket that God draped over my past and I was never to think of it again unless giving a testimony and that was only in an "I'm over that now" kind of way.  

That magical blanket had healing powers, so why didn't I feel healed?  Why did I still think on those things?  It made me feel like a fraud.  It wasn't until I was in counseling and he said, "you need to address these things. You don't necessarily have to find the root of all of your issues, but you need to talk about it." When I did, it hurt and it didn't feel good at first, but I found freedom eventually in truth.  Who knew? 

Maybe you don't need that, but if you do that's normal. If you do need to address it (and probably most people do), you can let God break the chains and then there's your testimony. What the enemy uses for bad, God uses for good.  There's not a THING in your past that can't be used for good.  Crazy, right?  It takes the power away from that thing, though which is amazing.  Transformative. 

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

**I have heard a few people say that God immediately healed them from all shame and pain and bad feelings about their pasts. Can God even do that??  YES!!!  But He doesn't make everyone's story look the same. Seek Him and if you need to address those things then do it. It has nothing to do with your "faith level" which...is that even a thing?

4. We are ambassadors. 

We represent Christ on earth. *gulp*

Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Cor 5:20

There is a lot of going and doing in Christianity.  It's not something that you enter into like a club.  It's not showing up to church once or twice a week, it's action.  It's movement.  It's a body. What happens when your body is inactive all of the time?  Parts start to die. Yeah. Die. 

What happens when you exercise your body?  When you get your blood pumping and you're constantly stretching and pushing yourself to new goals?  LIFE! Also, movement tends to produce the desire for more movement and it creates energy.  Energy is good. 

We need energy in order to represent Christ to a world who has their collective hands over their ears. We need energy to stay up with them all night as they weep in our arms. We need energy to never stop loving and fighting for those who will never even come to Jesus. 

We need endurance, too, and guess what brings that on?  I myself want to cover my ears at the answer to this one...trials and suffering.  

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope Romans 5:3-4

Endurance...to character...to hope.  Which we need to be ambassadors. 

But we aren't alone.  We aren't each a body, we each make up the parts to *the* body.  Unity. 

**Read 1 Corinthians 12:12-the end.  This description of the body of Christ is so beautiful.  We need one another.  We all need to move with one another.  How amazing is that?

5. We're going to mess up. 

Like REALLLLLY mess up. Not just once.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

It doesn't mean we've fallen away from God and it doesn't mean we were never saved it means we just messed up. Temptations hit us all around and we have to learn to recognize those ways out He talks about.  Which won't happen immediately.  Trial.  Error.  Forgiveness. Begin again. His mercies are new every single morning. 

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

When we mess up in deed or attitude (ahem, Courtney), His forgiveness is everlasting as long as we ask. 

Speaking of...

6. Forgiveness is so important. 

We have to do it. HAVE TO. We have to forgive ourselves and others and not just at salvation but every day for the rest of our lives. 

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” ²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times” Matthew 18:21-22

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” Mark 11:25

7. You'll be working out your salvation your entire life. 

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling Phil 2:12

Give yourself a minute to figure it all out and by "by a minute" I mean "your whole entire life." But don't stop moving while you try to get it all right. Go, do, move, serve...figure it out along the way but don't stop and think you have to be perfect to do His work because no one is and if we all waited for that then none of us would ever move. 

Satan is real and he loves immobilizing you with whispers of fear, disappointment and unworthiness.  He doesn't even see you that way, he just wants YOU to see you that way because then you stop moving.  

8. It's not about you. 

I read a book with that title by Max Lucado years ago and it rocked my little Christian bubble until it popped.  I was all, "umm...what?  Then WHO is it about???" 

Well, He told me in someone else's voice in a book and it was the first thing I ever blogged about.  I basically just copied and pasted Lucado's words and was all, "wowwwwww, look you guys!" Yeah, my early blogging attempts were stellar.  

I always thought it was about me.  And you.  And you over there.  That God had a spotlight on my life as He had one on yours.  We were all the main stars.  How?  I don't know, I hadn't gotten that far, he's God ya know?  

Turns out good people, that it is NOT in fact about sweet little me. Or you. It's about Jesus. He's center stage.  He uses me, yes.  He loves me with an everlasting love, yes.  But it's so much bigger than myself that I can't even compute it in my brain.  It's also a freeing concept. It doesn't rest on me. It's already been done. 

9. People will throw Christian clichés at you like candy. 

In fact, sometimes they give them to you as if they're in the bible, but they aren't. Nor are they all true. Sometimes they're partially accurate, but you have to test every spirit.  

Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

I'm not saying everyone that throws a cliche at you is a false prophet.  Most of the time, they just don't know what to say but want to make you feel better.  But...some of these things that are meant to make you feel better just aren't true.  AND, they don't make you feel better. Go tell a mom that God won't give her more than she can handle after she loses her child and she may think "Yes. Yes he will."  

Sift everything anyone tells you through the bible and see what God says about it.  Wrestle with words that people throw.  It's important.  

10. Church walls are not nearly as important as you think they are.

Add to that denominations, city lines, borders between countries and anything else we use to separate ourselves even just a little bit. Who uses instruments and who uses voices only, who sings hymns only and who incorporates secular music into their set list, who has Sunday night services and who only has Sunday morning, who has church in their homes, who wears skirts instead of pants...oh the list is never ending.  

Your church is not the kingdom of Heaven and your pastor is not God.  Your denomination is not "right" and America is not the only country worth living in.  Wear jeans.  Wear skirts. Sing Don't Stop Believin'. I don't care. (Ok wait, I care. I want to go to a church that sings Don't Stop Believin')

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Philippians 2:1-2   

Koinonia.  Ya heard of it?  It's a Greek word and one of my favorite things. It's like a giant spiritual jack hammer to the walls those things mentioned above build.  Those things are there, so we have to learn to live, love and serve in them and ignore them. And pay attention to them. Sound complicated?  It doesn't have to be. 

"Koinonia is being in agreement with one another, being united in purpose, and serving alongside each other. Our koinonia with each other is based on our common koinonia with Jesus Christ." (I got that from gotquestions.org)

"UNITED IN PURPOSE" YES!!!!!!!! 

Basically, it's who we are to one another based upon our mutual relationships with Jesus not our denominations and church walls.  So strip all of that stuff away (stuff that is ok sometimes) and that's what we have.  How beautiful!  What a beautiful tapestry of woven together differences.  All on the SAME canvas.  God loves unity in diversity and we should, too!

This was on Wikipedia about the word koinonia: "The same bonds that link the individual to Jesus also link him or her with other faithful."Which could be with a member of a church across town, or a man who lives in Africa whom you've never met, or any Christian. 

I happen to see a lot of this happening in our area right now (a lot of coming together) and it's like "yes! Let's do this!" 

If we say that we have fellowship with Him, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin. 1 John 1:6-7

We obviously (hopefully, please!) also have many relationships with people who aren't Christians, but the connection that comes from a relationship with Jesus isn't there.  That doesn't take ANYthing away from that relationship, just clarifying that God doesn't call us to ONLY converse with Christians. QUITE the opposite.  So much the opposite that I don't even know how to put it into words.  Love people, not just people like you. Don't sequester yourself away behind the walls of the church. 

11. Just go. 

How do we hear God's voice?  How do we know His will for our lives? I asked Pastor Steve this once and he said something along the lines of, "Get to know the rhythm of His voice.  How, you ask? Read His word. Pray and listen." The rhythm of His voice...something about that struck me.  We learn that by getting to know Him...knowing what He says and what is important to Him.  The rhythm of how He speaks. Beautiful!

Pastor Steve also told me that we already know His will for us.  He tells us in His word which we have to read to know.  A few examples: take care of widows and orphans, love the least of these, obey the ten commandments (and more), take care of your family, love your enemies.  We don't have to ask Him if any of these things are His will for us specifically because these things are His will for EVERYONE.  If we want to hear more specifically then we listen as we go.  As we move and do and love and serve.  

If we head in the wrong direction, He'll redirect us.  But we can't sit and wait to hear a loud, booming voice.  

Just go.  Do what you know is right.  Don't stop doing those things.  (And don't stoppppp believinnnnn'...ok ok I'll stop)

***

In conclusion, I want to say two things.  First, go seek and find this stuff out for yourselves.  I'm not a professional haha.  I don't have all of the answers (obviously you know this if you follow me on Facebook).  Never let words from a man or woman be the end for you.  Even if you respect them immensely and love what they have to say.  GOD is the only One with a say in this.  ALWAYS look for yourselves, in the word.  Always.  You can disagree with someone and still respect them, it doesn't have to end a relationship and it can be a great conversation.  "Hey you said this, but I read this in the bible and it seems like maybe your view on this and what the bible says isn't matching up.  What are your thoughts?"  Respectful conversation is always ok. 

Second, I'm going to share the two scriptures that have completely altered the course of my life.  I love all of His word and no word or phrase is more important than the other, but you'll encounter scriptures at a certain points in your life that just change everything.  Here are mine and I'll blog about them later:  

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."Exodus 14:14

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Cor 12:9

Pit

When you're at your worst, it feels so scary and lonely and dark. Like you fell into a dark pit and no one can see you. That no one will remember to come and look for you. 

But all it takes is one friend to jump into the pit with you and light a match...suddenly you can see. The darkness vanishes. 

You look around and as your eyes adjust you see all the people around you in that pit, while you thought you were all alone. Everyone else felt alone too because it was dark and they were afraid to speak up. 

The darkness flees when one person is brave enough to show some light. So like someone was the light for you, be a light for someone else today. Share a piece of yourself that is hard so that it gives someone else permission to do the same and taste freedom. People!  I have seen this in action and experienced it firsthand. 

Even if you can't share yourself just yet, encourage someone who needs it. Encourage as many people as you can this week! Tell them can do this hard thing. Help them get help if they need it and remind them there's no shame in needing it. 

Be the light!  

What if we were all lights today?  What would the world look like???