Hell and Women Waging War

I'm going to talk about hell. 

dun dun DUNNNNNN 

Ahhhhh, the topic that makes people think Christians are crazy...well, one of the topics *wink*wink*

I was in the shower, pondering the eternal and for the first time ever, I REALLY thought about how I felt pre-salvation. How did the Courtney I used to be respond to life's difficulties and depression and relationship issues? HOW????  What did I say to myself? What kind of people did I let counsel me? I can't even remember. Isn't that weird?  How did I justify life's hard times?  Who did I thank for a beautiful sky?  Where did I think passion came from...or drive, or vision?

Then I thought about how I could have gone to 
and deserved hell. 

I was terrible. But, even if I had been "good" as the world sees "good," we're all just born ready to sin. Not even unbelievers can disagree with that.  I mean look at us, look at what humans do to one another. Don't even get me STARTED on toddlers... *wink*

A few months ago, my friend Jen shared with me a perspective on hell that broke her apart and I can't get it out of my head. She left an early morning voicemail on my phone, weeping and mourning for people who don't know Jesus. She relayed to me a true perspective-altering vision she had that morning. 

She saw herself in hell. Then, the vision switched and she imagined people on the street burning as if already there, in hell. She challenged me with "what if we could see who the people destined for hell were? How would that vision change how we interact with them?" I thought that was really profound because when you see a man on fire, your gut reaction is to help. Nobody can watch that and do nothing. Yet...what are we doing? 

What if there are people consumed all around us and we just can't see the flames?

Which led me to this thought: If being separated from God is hell (right? THAT is a part of what hell is) then where I was-before accepting Jesus-was truly a hell on earth. 

As humans we often need a visual so God described to us the most extreme outward pain imaginable (which is real by the way...burning flesh, broken bodies, gnashing of teeth) to represent what goes on within us separated from Him. I bet the outward pain is nothing compared to separation from Love Himself. 

To be abundantly clear, so as not to mislead you, the outward/physical pain in hell is real.  It will really happen, in ways that we cannot even fathom. Examples from the bible: 

*weeping and gnashing of teeth in Matthew 8:12
*spiritual and bodily destruction in Matthew 10:28
*fiery furnaces in Matthew 13:42, 50
*unquenchable fires in Mark 9:48-49
*endless torments in Luke 16:23-24
^from A fun little resource on hell

In addition to that physical pain, there will be abandonment from God. While researching, someone sent me the following link he titled, A fun little resource on hell and it had a good description on what separation from God really means:


While it’s true that hell is a place of untold physical pain and suffering (fire, scorching, being cut to pieces), I think we often overlook the mental agony of being completely forsaken—abandoned for all eternity. After all, the most chilling cry from our Lord as He suffered God’s wrath on the cross stemmed not from physical pain, but from being forsaken by the Father. Jesus cried out, “My God, My God, Why have You forsaken Me?” (Matt. 27:46).

John MacArthur explained the significance of God forsaking the Son in relation to hell: “This is a reminder to all sinners that while hell is the full fury of God’s personal punishment presence, He will never be there to comfort. He will never be there to show sympathy. He will never bring relief. […] it is both the punishment of God and the absence of comfort. […] That’s hell—punishment without relief (“The King Crucified: Consummation at Calvary”). As the Puritan Thomas Vincent put it, “Not only will the unbeliever be in hell, but hell will be in him too.”

There are people all around us, burning up in a hell on earth. 

What are we gonna do about it, Church?

"Not only will the unbeliever be in hell, but hell will be in him too." Wow. We worry about people going to hell after death, but we don't worry as much about people who are currently in a hell while alive. Separated from their Creator. 

This way of thinking about hell turned the Courtney I used to be into the fire-consumed person on the street, burning alive and no one could see it. The one going to hell who heard people speak ABOUT Jesus but never met Him. No one sat me down and asked, "do you know Him? Do you have any questions?"

I was an overhearer of the gospel, not a hearer. 

Overhearing is not enough. Hoping that people will just see the way you live and be changed is not enough. 

And I was confused about it all.  In middle school, I asked a Christian friend what salvation meant while we were tanning by the pool. I felt a nervous pressure because I didn't want to go to hell. It was an offhand, unplanned question, but once it was out I felt a crushing weight, waiting for the answer. She didn't have one but she was confident in her own salvation. I laid by the pool that day, filled with fear because she couldn't articulate what she knew. All I was concerned about was a get out of hell free card and she couldn't tell me where to go to get one. 

The get out of hell free card mentality stuck with me until this year.  Even after salvation, I yearned to KNOW that I was saved.  I wanted a Heavenly punch card that said "chill out child, you're in." Sometimes I still fight with that fear. I get scared that while I assume I'm on that narrow road, I'm actually lazily meandering down the wide path along with other American Christians. I want to take a jack hammer to that road to get people's attention.  I'm getting off track...

 I always had a preoccupation with hell. I would pray before bed, "Forgive me for my sins, all of them," because I heard once that if you didn't ask for forgiveness in that way every night, if you skipped ONE time and died in your sleep, you would go to hell (which is not true). I didn't know if there was a god, I wasn't even speaking to anyone, but I didn't want to take any chances. It was a chant. I even asked for forgiveness for the things I knew I would do the next day. It was all jumbled up in my brain.

As a high school cheerleader, we would hold hands and recite The Lord's Prayer before games and I just closed my eyes and moved my lips so no one would see that I had no idea what they were talking about. The words....they made no sense to me. "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done...why are we saying this at a football game again...???" After my freshman year, I had it memorized.

That's what God was to me. Memorizing pieces of things I'd heard and desperate chants I didn't understand. I didn't know if He was real, but I just wasn't taking the chance on assuming he wasn't. I spent more time worrying about hell than most Christians do praying.   

I was burning alive and headed toward an eternity of burning in death, while people around me talked about youth camps and Christian concerts with weird names. I couldn't relate to that and it excluded me. 

I was like, "what the heck is an ichthus?" Is it a condition? 

I don't think they even knew. 

I needed someone to grab me, see that I was burning and somehow be immune to the flames. 

Which is what Jesus does. 

He makes us unharmed when we touch the ones burning because we are HIS burning ones...burning with love and passion and hope. We aren't harmed by enemy fire because when God is within us, we have a different kind of fire running through us. A more powerful fire. A fire so hot that it extinguishes the flames of anyone else we touch. The flames of hell may as well be ice when confronted with the fire of His Holy Spirit. 

So let's eradicate hell. Here on earth and in eternity. Let's stop its grip by telling people that Jesus already did. He loosened death's grip on us so that we could stand and escape it. BUT WE HAVE TO STAND!  He did the hard part all we have to do is respond and shout at everyone else, ARISE!!! YOU'RE FREE!!! JESUS LOOSENED DEATH'S GRIP!!!  

But some people will lie there in death's lifeless, open hand never getting up. And they'll die in the unwrapped hand of death, never knowing that they're free. 

All they have to do is GET UP! Sounds easy right?  So why isn't it? I wish I could go back to the Courtney of 15 years ago and ask her. I don't know why I got up and others don't. It's so devastating and yet I'm so thankful. 

It's crazy. And the only thing that can fight crazy is crazy love. Which you and I have. In His strength and with His words we stand together and fight with a love that doesn't make sense. 

We are waging war on this earth and waging war with hell. 
With God's weapons.  In God's strength. 

Sometimes people think women are supposed to be the weak ones, but we aren't. We lack nothing in Christ, WE LACK NO STRENGTH and we are relentlessly fighting hell until we die on this earth and enter into an eternity in the presence of our God. We are the mighty women of the church and we are women waging war. 

Esther said, "If I must die, I must die."

Courtney says, "If I must die, I must die."

We all die. Let's go out bringing people 
with us to His kingdom. 
Let us show people hope on earth. 

Which leads me to a poem I'll share at the end of this blog.  It took me a really long time.  Just words, not sentences or phrases or complete thoughts. But it's right. I wrote it for our women's ministry and it came as I thought about the brave women who meet together and say, "HERE WE ARE LORD, SEND US!!! Our strength is in You and Your weapons are ready in our arms.  We are wearing Your armor and we are willing. We aren't fighting those that disagree with us, we're standing with our Lord and fighting hell on behalf of those who love and hate us."

Every main word of this poem begins with W and I have NO IDEA the significance in that except God told me to write it that way. So I did. And it's weird but whatever. I don't even care. 

These words are you; they're us. 

women waging war

wild warriors

wounded worshipers

worn-out wilderness wanderers

women waging war

weight-bearing weepers 

wisdom whispering word-weavers

winter withstanding witnesses

women waging war

weakness-wearing walkers

wooers of wilting wall-flowers 

world-wrestling 

way-pointing

wall-wrecking 

women waging war

Sometimes little victories are actually huge

People used to occasionally ask why I wore cardigans in the burning heat of summer and I would say, "I just don't wear sleeveless, I hate my arms. They're hideous."

But do you know what that did to the person asking?  I could see it. It put a little flicker of doubt in their own heart. I was sowing a seed and who knows how the enemy would water it in the future. 

For some reason, when I shared about hating my body, the other person felt inclined to join in and hate their own body. We ganged up against ourselves. Two against two. I gave that permission and it started to feel wrong. 

It sounds silly, but when I was pregnant with Willow I decided to start wearing tank tops as a spiritual act. It stuck. 

I still don't like my arms BUT wearing sleeveless is almost like a form of worship. Defiance against the whispers of the enemy and obedience to God.  

While wearing sleeveless tops feels radical to me, it probably feels so normal to you it's not worth mentioning. Because our minds are weird. 

Wearing a tank top feels like freedom. That sounds ridiculous, but we all battle these things and sometimes little victories are actually huge!

For Woven Women (bible study group at Celebration Church)

If you happen across this blog, it addresses a lot of things we've discussed in the past few weeks. You may not understand it, but you're welcome to stay and read! 

Wednesday, the 17th of June was a crazy bible study.  Jen had to unexpectedly leave for a last minutes emergency road trip.  I got there, saw the glorious cheesecake, and promptly got a stupid migraine, and Isaac had to pick me up!!!  New women were there, we had childcare for the first time, Brooke was newly pregnant and I wanted to celebrate that!  So many ups and down.  

Such is life, right?  

Well, I had something I wanted to discuss and obviously I didn't get to, which made me sad.  So, I'm going to write it out and maybe if I don't ever get to talk about it, you can just read it.  I want to save it, anyway.  I am SO SO SO sorry about how long this is.  And it requires some on the spot reading, so make sure you have a good 20-30 minutes.  

Ok, this has nothing to do with anything, but remember when Jen was saying she keeps hearing "you can't handle the truth!" everywhere she goes?  Well, this week I heard (regarding spiritual fruits) 

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE FRUIT!  

It made me giggle.  
Carrying on...

It seems like everything we've been talking about connects to the next thing we talk about, right?  We say this all the time and I had an experience where a lot of things connected while reading one story in the Exodus.  

When I first read Exodus 17, I read it over and over...and over and over...ANNNNND over and over.   In that first day, I read the chapters I'll tell you about probably 20 times a piece.  I couldn't stop reading.  

We've talked before about Aaron and Hur lifting up the arms of Moses in spiritual battle and how much we need to BE that for one another.  I've needed that lately.  There's a situation in my life where I keep hoping...then getting disappointed...I hope...disappointed.  Continually.  

The woman who is currently holding my arms up (as she's done for so many of you) is Jen.  I was talking to her about my situation the other day and as she mentioned hope, I said, 

"I'M SICK OF HOPING." 

To which she replied, "you don't have to remember?   I'm hoping FOR you." 

She's holding my hope.  

wow

Something about that really affected me.  I later realized that this whole time, I've been hoping in the person's change.  Hoping in man.  Not hoping in God.  It sounds obvious right?  But for whatever reason, I just didn't see what I was doing.  Switching from hoping in man to hoping in God was so freeing.  Especially freeing from any expectation of what God's hand upon it would look like.  

I can't fix this person.  I can't fix the situation.  It's too heavy a burden to bear, so I need you to lift up my arms.  

Trust in God: YES
Trust in man: NO
I can't expect God-like trustworthiness from man or I'll experience constant disappointment.  
Hope in man's change: disappointment
Hope in God's sovereign hand: peace 

I'll take peace over disappointment any day

God NEVER disappoints.  Hope (in Him) NEVER disappoints. (see Romans 5:5)

You guys, ALL THAT, was just the intro.  Jesus, help me. 

Ok, so I wanted to SEE Moses having his arms held up.  Which I had read before, I just wanted to see it again, in context. I went to Exodus 17 and began reading.  

To set it up, God had just saved Moses and his people from being killed.  They had nowhere to run so He opened up the Red Sea and they ran to the other side, then their enemies were swallowed up by the sea shortly after.  Awesome.  When I was little, I didn't know any bible stories but I had seen a picture of "Moses parting the Red Sea" and I just loved it.  How cool!  

So, now it's time to read a whole chapter of Exodus which will make this blog really long.  I thought about sending you there to read it, but I'll just include it so you don't have an excuse to quit haha

Water from the Rock

17 At the Lord’s command, the whole community of Israel left the wilderness of Sin and moved from place to place. Eventually they camped at Rephidim, but there was no water there for the people to drink. 2 So once more the people complained against Moses. “Give us water to drink!” they demanded.

“Quiet!” Moses replied. “Why are you complaining against me? And why are you testing the Lord?”

3 But tormented by thirst, they continued to argue with Moses. “Why did you bring us out of Egypt? Are you trying to kill us, our children, and our livestock with thirst?”

4 Then Moses cried out to the Lord, “What should I do with these people? They are ready to stone me!”

5 The Lord said to Moses, “Walk out in front of the people. Take your staff, the one you used when you struck the water of the Nile, and call some of the elders of Israel to join you. 6 I will stand before you on the rock at Mount Sinai.[b] Strike the rock, and water will come gushing out. Then the people will be able to drink.” So Moses struck the rock as he was told, and water gushed out as the elders looked on.

7 Moses named the place Massah (which means “test”) and Meribah (which means “arguing”) because the people of Israel argued with Moses and tested the Lord by saying, “Is the Lord here with us or not?”

Israel Defeats the Amalekites

8 While the people of Israel were still at Rephidim, the warriors of Amalek attacked them.9 Moses commanded Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight the army of Amalek for us. Tomorrow, I will stand at the top of the hill, holding the staff of God in my hand.”

10 So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. 11 As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. 12 Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. 13 As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle.

14 After the victory, the Lord instructed Moses, “Write this down on a scroll as a permanent reminder, and read it aloud to Joshua: I will erase the memory of Amalek from under heaven.” 15 Moses built an altar there and named it Yahweh-Nissi (which means “the Lordis my banner”). 16 He said, “They have raised their fist against the Lord’s throne, so now[c]the Lord will be at war with Amalek generation after generation.”

**my note, "wilderness of Sin" refers to Sinai, the place, not the word "sin" I thought that was interesting

Ok, so they're worn out in this chapter.  Thirsty.  Complaining. Arguing.  Mad at their leader.  Asking, "why have you brought us here? This is hard.  We could have stayed back there and had food and blah blah blah." 

Reminds me of the church right now.  I bet sometimes pastors, like Moses, are all, "why are you questioning me? Take it to God, the One who sent me." 

I digress...

So, the Lord fulfilled their thirst.  Why?  Because they were thirsty?  NO!  A battle was coming.  They needed to be prepared.  Interesting... He sustained them...but for the battle's sake. 

Someone fought physically, someone fought spiritually, there were arm holder uppers, banners were flown...a lot of stuff happened.  Then, I read this commentary on the banner (which read Jehovah Nissi, meaning "The Lord is my banner.") THIS is what we wave to the world.  That HE is victorious.  That there was a battle and we won IN Him, IN His strength.   

Here are some excerpts from the commentary (I bolded some things I especially want you to see): 
"Israel engaged with Amelek in their own necessary defense.  God makes his people able, and calls them to various services for the good of his church.  Joshua fights, Moses prays, both minister to Israel.  The rod was held up, as the banner to encourage the soldiers.  Also to God, by way of appeal to him.  Moses was tired.  The strongest arm will fail with being long held out; it is God only whose hand is stretched out still.  We do not find that Joshua's hands were heavy in fighting, but Moses' hands were heavy in praying: the more spiritual any service is, the most apt we are to fail and flag in it.  

To convince Israel that the hand of Moses, whom they had been chiding, did more for their safety than their own hands, his rod than their sword, the success rises and falls as Moses lifts up or let down his hands.  The church's cause is more or less successful, as her friends are mor or less strong in faith, and fervent in prayer.  Moses, the man of God, is glad of help.  We should not be shy, either of asking help from others, or of giving help to others.  The hands of Moses being thus stayed, were steady till the going down of the sun.  It was great encouragement to the people to see Joshua before them in the field of battle, and Moses above them on the hill.  Christ is both to us; our Joshua, the Captain of our salvation, who fights our battles, and our Moses, who ever lives, making intercession above, that our faith fail not.  Weapons formed againstGod's Israel cannot prosper long, and shall be broken at last." 

Well, that covered a lot...much better than I could have.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Ponder it.  Then, we'll move on to the last part. 

Instead of having me read forward, he led me back a chapter to 16. This was before this battle where Moses had his arms lifted, they're complaining (again), wishing for death, life is hard, blah blah blah. And then God provided.  He sustained them daily.  With what?  Manna from Heaven.  It fell nightly and they gathered it up each morning for THAT DAY only (except for one day of the week because they weren't to work so they collected two days worth) 

So again, he sends me BACK a chapter to 15. This is RIGHT after the Red Sea miracle, and they are just in wonder of their God and what He did.

Instead of asking you to leave this blog to read all of Exodus 15 right now, I'm going to place it here for you because I want you to know where my mind was going, as I read certain portions.  Anywhere that is in bold with a *** before it, those are my thoughts.  I'm sure you can easily tell the difference between my thoughts and God's (hahahahaha) but still... Actually, if you want, you can read Exodus 15 on your own first, then read this.  Either way...

Exodus 15

A Song of Deliverance 
***wow, already right??? Just the title...

Then Moses and the people of Israel sang this song to the LORD: “I will sing to the LORD, for he has triumphed gloriously; he has hurled both horse and rider into the sea. The LORD is my strength and my song; he has given me victory. This is my God, and I will praise him— my father’s God, and I will exalt him! The LORD is a warrior; Yahweh is his name! Pharaoh’s chariots and army he has hurled into the sea. The finest of Pharaoh’s officers are drowned in the Red Sea. The deep waters gushed over them; they sank to the bottom like a stone. “Your right hand, O LORD, is glorious in power. Your right hand, O LORD, smashes the enemy. In the greatness of your majesty, you overthrow those who rise against you. You unleash your blazing fury; it consumes them like straw. 

At the blast of your breath, the waters piled up! The surging waters stood straight like a wall; in the heart of the sea the deep waters became hard.

***this is when I stopped rocking Willow. My eyes got big. My whole body stilled as I saw Laine's vision popping right off the page. Waters like a wall. People standing before them. LAINE'S VISION!!!! Right there in the word, that I was already reading, thinking about Woven Women!

 “The enemy boasted, ‘I will chase them and catch up with them. I will plunder them and consume them. I will flash my sword; my powerful hand will destroy them.’ But you blew with your breath, and the sea covered them. They sank like lead in the mighty waters. “Who is like you among the gods, O LORD — glorious in holiness, awesome in splendor, performing great wonders? You raised your right hand, and the earth swallowed our enemies. “With your unfailing love you lead the people you have redeemed. In your might, you guide them to your sacred home. The peoples hear and tremble; anguish grips those who live in Philistia. The leaders of Edom are terrified; the nobles of Moab tremble. All who live in Canaan melt away; terror and dread fall upon them. 

The power of your arm makes them lifeless as stone until your people pass by

***until your people pass by. Wow

O LORD, until the people you purchased pass by. 

***until the people you purchased (US) walk by (the dead). This is missional living, you guys. His spirit in us is enough. It's all we need. Just HIS presence, in US, raises the dead to life. 

You will bring them in and plant them on your own mountain—

***MISSIONAL

the place, O LORD, reserved for your own dwelling, the sanctuary, O Lord, that your hands have established. The LORD will reign forever and ever!” When Pharaoh’s horses, chariots, and charioteers rushed into the sea, the LORD brought the water crashing down on them. 

***so the same tall wall of water that saved us, crushes our enemy.  BECAUSE there was a tall wall we were saved. Also. BECAUSE there was a tall wall, they were crushed. wow

But the people of Israel had walked through the middle of the sea on dry ground! Then Miriam the prophet (***A WOMAN) , Aaron’s sister, (***Aaron who will later hold up Mo's arms)

took a tambourine and led all the women as they played their tambourines and danced. And Miriam sang this song: “Sing to the LORD, for he has triumphed gloriously; he has hurled both horse and rider into the sea.” 

Exodus 15:1-21 NLT

THE WOMEN held the victory song. THE WOMEN sang and danced and rejoiced. THE WOMEN. 

Which goes back to what Laine was saying about what a powerful role we women have.  We are where the men come home to, we provide safety and reassurance and take care of their wounds and let them rest. And that's not all we do. We fight. We prepare. We march. We stand beneath the wall of water WITH them. We stand, even when we've lost them to battle.  

DON'T YOU SEE HOW IT ALL FITS?  

In these chapters, it's all we've been discussing: 

*Holding up of arms 

*Grumbling within the church

*Being sustained DAILY with manna: everyday, you collect what the Lord has for you and no matter what it looks like, you know it's enough because it's from Him. You only have to live in TODAY.

*Laine's vision 

*Warrior women

*Warrior God 

*Missional living

I can't make it all fit pretty, but I think it's enough for us to ponder.  Read these chapters again and ask God to reveal to you whatever He wants for you/us to know.  

That's all I got!

What I don't want for my kids. A talk on happiness.

What I do not want for my kids: 

happiness

I don't need my kids to be happy adults. Do I want that?  Oh yeah. Too much to put into words. In fact, I love them so much I almost wish happiness for them over purpose. Almost. Rein it in, mama. 

What I'm thinking is, when they graduate from high school I don't care what they do. College?  Mission field?  Living as/with homeless people?  Retail?  Doctor? Child Advocate?  Foster mom/dad?  Pastor? Stylist to the stars? Writer? Military? Professional personal American Girl doll shopper? Professional Lego builder?  Professional head banger? (looking' at you, Willow)

I. Don't. Even. Care.  Realllllllllly.  I don't care.  Zoe's dream is to be a barista/photographer/cashier/poet hybrid.  Go!!  Do that!  If God puts it in your heart, RUN after it as fast and as focused as you can, loving all the people you encounter along the way.  There will NEVER be another Zoe Moriah and no one will EVER have the desires she has in her heart.  

Delight yourselves, my children!  He put those desires in you, so delight yourselves and he'll show you what they are. 

What I want is for them to bask in the lavish love of God and then spread that love around like the leftover glitter on my kitchen table.  Let that love fly! I want them to love God back. Hard. 

How?  Obedience. 

I want them to be so saturated in The Word that it is like a mixing of blood. When the blood of the Word mixes with the blood of their lives, the two can no longer be separated. I yearn for them to live that kind of love. The hard, dirty kind that scares most people off.  I want them to be in community with the type of people Jesus was in community with:  

all people

Whether that's in the courtroom or mission field or battlefield or the grocery store, I don't care. Whether they get there through college or NOT, I don't care. Truly. I may be one of the only parents that doesn't give a flip about college for college sake. 

As adults, what I want for them is love and obedience (to their Creator, not to their parents).  Because their Heavenly Father knows where they should go, who they should be without all of these worldly attachments that I have.  I want for them to live this life even better than their parents do. I don't care what the world tells them. 

I want contentment for them, not happiness. 

I want obedience for them, not an easy life.  

These are not always mutually exclusive, but they are not both guaranteed. 

I want them to know that they aren't owed happiness in life, but they owe obedience. 

Happiness is not the goal.

I want them to leave this earth just spent. Smelling like Jesus and hard work. Filled with happy thoughts but not relying on them. 

And I pray with EVERYTHING in me that I am strong enough to watch their lives play out without intervening and playing God.   

Lord, as my arms scoop them up and as their arms hug around my neck, remind me that my arms have to loosen and let go one day. It doesn't mean that our arms and necks won't ever be reunited (they better be!) but maybe the reunions will be further apart than their parents and grandparents would like, depending on where their feet are led.  But maybe we'll all live together!  Who knows?!?  That's the point.  Who knows?  Not any of us, that's for sure.  I'm excited to see it all play out. 

Lord, give me strength to watch them encounter unhappiness and not try to fix it, before I ask, "is this you, Lord?" 

I pray now for the strength to watch them learn and flounder and mess up and mess up and get it right and mess up more and hopefully recognize it.  Recognize purpose and love and Jesus. Everywhere.  And if they have to look for it, I pray that they'll keep their hands busy while they seek. I pray that they see the purpose in messing up and learning and they don't feel guilt about it.

I WANT LASTING JOY,  NOT FLEETING HAPPINESS FOR THEM! 

Joy that withstands heartache and joy that sticks around as they watch Your people in need. Joy that doesn't run at the first hint of fear or pain or unknowns (like their mama).  I want more for them than I have had so far. Be with them, Lord.  I know you are... 

Amen

Love,

Their mama

*****

James 1:22–25

But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. 

1 John 5:2–3

By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. 

Guard your hearts, but keep them open.

I was thinking... 

When someone has a different set of beliefs than you have, that doesn't mean you can't learn from that person. It sounds like an obvious statement but sometimes we allow that to be a wall between us that we don't even realize we've constructed.  

If someone you respect has one stance of many different from yours, you don't have to throw out everything they've ever said or will say. I think we're grown enough to sift through it. I've been so guilty of this in the past. That's why I know it's true. 

Don't discard what someone says just because they live a different way, believe a different thing or have a past different from yours. Since when did that (being different from you) make their thoughts invalid?  It should even enhance your conversations. It's ok for your convictions to be strengthened and it's ok for you to change your mind via these very conversations.  I think it's beautiful when we say, "I hear you. I've never seen it that way." 

You can accept a thought without accepting a mentality. You can learn from someone without converting to their way of thinking. 

Guard your hearts, but keep them open.

And for the love, if you're wrong, say it without guilt. We all need to hear an unapologetic, "I was wrong."

Reexamine yourself

Sometimes when a big cultural event happens that demands sides to be taken (which is happening at least twice a month nowadays) and everyone is a slave to the demand and can't help but weigh in on the subject, and articles are written/shared overnight about how God feels about it, and how I should feel about it, I feel like Jesus with the money changers in the temple. 

Except His love is perfect, his motives are perfect and mine are mixed with anger and opinion and the need to be right. So I can't weigh in because I just can't do it responsibly. I'm so human. 

Imagine the most disgusting human being you can imagine. To you it may be a looter, a transgender man who is wearing a woman, a child molester with a reality show, a homosexual eating Chick Fil A, a man shooting an unarmed child, a cop letting a man die while driving erratically, a cop-killing man or woman with no motives but hate for the man or woman in uniform...

Now. If it's too hard for you to imagine Jesus cupping the face of the person you're imagining JUST AS THEY ARE NOW with as much love and adoration in His eyes as he has for you then you need to either reexamine:

how madly in love with you that Jesus is. 

OR 

how madly in love with the person that you hate most on earth that Jesus is. 

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AMINE

Jesus didn't call us to have the best arguments and He didn't call us to ignore what's going on in the world. So where is the middle?  Where is it that Jesus stands?  Speaking the truth with arms open wide. Led by the Spirit and not by the need to be right with the best argument. We can't find that place ourselves because we call it the middle and He calls it perfect love. It's not elusive, but it's not seen or found with human eyes. We need His spirit to show us. 

I think we all need to reexamine what love is. It's not accepting the person and accepting the sin. It's not rejecting the person and rejecting the sin. 

God loved us and he gave. 

The gift of God's son was given to ALL humans REGARDLESS of who they are, what they've done. God's love is unconditional. 

WE ARE MADE IN HIS IMAGE. 

And yet...Our love tends to be based on how people act toward us and it's conditional. Our love needs to be for everyone, unconditionally. If that's too hard for you, if you can't love people like that then 

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AMINE

The articles we share with the attitude of either "bless those idiots' hearts, let's pray," or "FILTHY SINNER!  I am calling you out and a lot of people will agree with ME!" are so wrong.  You aren't exempt because you didn't pen the words. You're sharing them and they show the condition of your heart. 

Like when we share God's word. We didn't pen the words but it shows the condition of our hearts. 

Regarding the condition of your heart:

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AMINE

My last thoughts. You know when Jesus was in the temple throwing out all of those making profit in the house of God, then proceeding to heal the sick and the children began to worship...guess who was indignant? THE SPIRITUAL LEADERS. Those who were obsessed with the law/religion and left out love. Probably the bloggers and article writers of their day. Don't depend on their words, my words. Depend on His. 

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AMINE

TODAY

Zoe, anxiety, and the summer from hell

**Zoe has given me permission to talk about her anxiety because she wants people who live with it to know they aren't alone. That said, please don't mention the blog or bring it up the issue of anxiety to Zoe when you see her. I'm protecting her, as she's only 9. A brave 9, but 9 all the same!**

Zoe (11) has anxiety like her mama (35). 

Dealing with anxiety in a child can be as hard to navigate as food allergies, at times. It may not be as physically scary (as in harm to her body, in Zoe's case), but it can rule our lives all the same. 

So it's good ground for her family to practice laying down our lives for someone else and taking our own feelings (and even aggravations at plans changing) and squashing them. 

Last year, Zo went to therapy once a week, then graduated to "as needed." Until recently she hasn't needed it. But summer is hard on her. She has an appointment in the morning and I feel relief that we have such help available. It's been a really bad summer, maybe the worst for her anxiety. Definitely the worst. I won't give details but we've left a lot of places (theaters at the start of a movie, church, play dates) and she has a hard time leaving home, even for the things she loves the most. 

It's weird to see the hard parts of yourself manifest in your children. It's easy to feel guilty, but let me tell you why you should shut that guilt down. Even the most terrible things can hold purpose...can be used for good. I'll give you an example from our life. 

We don't push scripture down our kids' throats (gag reflex, ya know?) but because it's the most important thing in our lives, of course we want them to hear it and get to know it and it's Author (one and the same) It's just woven into our lives. Ultimately, it's their decision. All that to say, we know how powerful the inspired words of God are. 

Zoe's never more receptive to hearing those words and to prayer than when she's in the thick of it, in anxiety's grip. She begs for me to read psalms, she calms as I pray over her, she knows God is ok when anxious thoughts invade because He talks about it...a lot. Not many other kids get these lessons this deeply, this early. Would I rather her be more typical?  Yes, of course. For her own sake because I hate to see her like this. I hate to see her suffer. 

But...

1. I realize now that no one is "normal" and everyone has their "stuff." Just because the littles that we're raising are little doesn't mean they won't face the same things we face as adults. You aren't doing anything wrong if your child is anxious or depressed or deals with sensory overload or autism or OCD or has ADHD. 

2. I've begun to even thank God for the good that comes from her attacks and nerves. During them, I thank Him in faith and after because I can see how He held her within it. 

How can I say this? Because, for the sake of survival and then thriving, she's going to learn from a very young age how to cope and that it's ok to not be ok. She'll tell other people this. She's more compassionate toward people who have a hard time with things. She has a hard time. Her brother has a hard time with another thing. You make room for people's "stuff" in order to have their amazing presence in your life. At 9, she already knows this. 

The most amazing thing is that with parenting you GET to take all of the stuff it has taken you half a lifetime to learn and you pour it into another human being. Everything I've learned about coping with anxiety, without and then with Jesus, I get to give to Zoe. What a gift! All of the lessons. 

Children get ALL of the benefit of their parents' sufferings. 

Reminds me of Jesus... 

This means (and this chokes me up) that MY anxiety has purpose. I don't think I could live in a world where the hard, dark times were for nothing. 

Turns out, they aren't. They are for Zoe.