We can’t live our lives like this!

Are you ready to hear something hard?  

God's goal is not getting us through hard times.  Our primary objective in life isn't just getting through those hard time and then heaving a big ol' sigh. The sigh is what feels good, I know…God, do I know… But the deep sigh of safety is not what we should be striving for.

God wants to transform us in the journey as He walks us through our lives.  He needs us to come out of our struggles strengthened, knowing how to rely on His strength and be completely different people. Every. Time.

Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's lovehas been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

We rejoice in hope.  We rejoice in suffering. Why?  Endurance, which leads to character, which produces hope.  Suffering and trials literally build us.  If we allow them, they mold us into a hopeful people.  Which doesn't make sense!  People see what we've suffered through, and then see the hope on our faces and it makes them ask, "How are you like this?"  Then, we get to tell them about our sweet, warrior Jesus.   

The problem is this:  we encounter a struggle - pray - God gets us through - then we take a deep breath and keep on the same way we were.  But, then...

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE STRUGGLE? 

Don’t we at least want the hard times to mean something?   I’m so jacked up about this because I’m writing to myself!! Within those struggles, we are learning to trust.  We are learning to lean into God.  We are being taught what it feels like to hope. 

Isaac has been off work with his surgery and I don't work.  Money. The lack of its presence grows bigger everyday.  

How can the lack of something be so big? 

I was thinking about all of this in the shower because we had an important bill that needed to be paid and we didn't have the money for it.  Or for groceries.  I spent a whole day just a mess of crying, ranting, fighting with Isaac and being a hot mess.  Panic and stress and nothing else.  NOTHING else.  The whole day was wasted.

We had saved some money up before the surgery, but in the days before, we found out we had to pay huge amounts of money before the surgery could even be done and so it was depleted.  We felt depleted.  And we have months ahead of us filled with mountains that we have to cross.  Mountains. Real ones, issues that need to be dealt with.  And sometimes just in our own heads.  Phantom mountains that we can’t even traverse because they aren’t real.  

Phantom mountains of fear 

How do you climb a mountain that isn’t real?  You can’t, you just wear yourself out, while nothing is accomplished. As I was begging God to just take care of this one problem, right now, it hit me.  Then what, Courtney?  What's the point of being in stress, begging God for help and then barely eeking by until the next mountain looms in the distance? Shouldn't we be so transformed by the journey up the first mountain that we don't even worry about the next one?

BECAUSE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NEXT ONE

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A NEXT ONE!

Whether we sense it or not, whether Isaac is off work or not, there will always be another mountainous problem.  I want to leave every treacherous climb with bigger muscles and with faith infused into every fiber of my being.  I want faith and remembrance of God’s power to make my bones tremble as I remember the mountains we’ve climbed before.  Hand in hand.  Heart to heart.  God and me.  

I want hope to replace my human instinct.  

My instinct leads me in random directions, where sometimes I find myself lost, but HOPE does NOT disappoint!  (See Romans 5:5)

In that shower, as I was seeking God and freaking out, Oceans by Hillsong came on, which I KNOW has been around for awhile and has transformed EVERYbody but it just hit me AGAIN:  I want trust God without the borders of human experience and rational thought.  But how am I going to get there?  

BY HAVING TO TRUST!!!!  

So why fight the struggle?  Logically, I should be welcoming them!  Seeing that it's not about just getting over the mountain so that I can heave a deep sigh of relief on the other side and be on my way until the next time I need God.  I need God just as much before the struggle as when I’m in the deepest, darkest pit.  I always need Him as much as I’m ever going to need Him.  I NEED HIM!  I NEED HIM!

It's about trusting WITH Him every single day.  Every moment. Every decision.  With each one my faith is more secure and my trust is solid so that THE NEXT TIME, I go into the climb even stronger than when I left the last mountain!  

The End (or so I thought...)

**

So, I wrote this blog last week and for some reason just couldn’t post it. It didn’t feel finished or something.  Later that week, Isaac sold something that he loved.  He made money that paid the bill that was looming over us, it paid for groceries, it put a dent in the bills for this month. I love him for it.  I tried to live out the words of this blog during that week.  I don’t know if I succeeded but I tried.  I was thankful, I felt God's strength.  

The next week came and Isaac unexpectedly got a bonus at work.  That same day, his union took up money for him since he’s off work.  We woke up the next morning to a donation in our PayPal account. 

What? she whispers… and Hope answers... I'm here...

God…what?  ALL of this for two of your kids who rant and rave and forget and get scared and throw tantrums?  To the least deserving you give the most?  Security we don’t deserve, yet you lavish upon us?  And come to find out, it's not the security of money, reader.  It's the security of His presence....His arms encircling his children with all of their baggage and all of their fears...Sometimes instead of us walking WITH Him up and over the mountain, He picks us up, and launches us into the sky missing the top of the mountain by a mile and we softly land on the other side!  Sometimes He teaches us extravagance.  But, He always teaches.  We need to look for the lesson.  Let's not leave that mountain with just survival.  Whether we sail over the top, or barely make it to the peak before we fall over the other side bloodied and bruised and in pain, let us rejoice.  

He always takes care of us, you guys.  He’s for us.  Our pain and struggles have a purpose.  I don’t know about you but that brings peace to me.  What if there was no reason behind any of it?  I just can’t live in a world where that’s true.  That scripture up there tells me differently...it tells me that there is purpose in our struggles.  Thank you, God!

Father, as we take the first step off of the last mountain we crossed with You, may we land upon the dirt a different person.  Let us not look for the next mountain, let us look to You.  We yearn to have gained the ability to persevere and hope in You. We can never do it without You.  The mundane, the hard, the impossible…all with You.  Amen.

Listen to Oceans here  you know you want to...

You call me out upon the waters


The great unknown, where feet may fail


And there I find You in the mystery


In oceans deep, my faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name


And keep my eyes above the waves


When oceans rise


My soul will rest in Your embrace


For I am Yours, and You are mine


Your grace abounds in deepest waters


Your sovereign hand will be my guide


Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me


You've never failed, and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name


And keep my eyes above the waves


When oceans rise


My soul will rest in Your embrace


For I am Yours, and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders


Let me walk upon the waters


Wherever You would call me


Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander


And my faith will be made stronger


In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name


Keep my eyes above the waves


My soul will rest in Your embrace


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine


I am Yours, and You are mine

Some random poems

I obviously didn't stick with the 40 days of Poetry because...it just felt...wrong?  Anyway, I'll post a few at a time for a little while and see what happens.

Lord, here I am again

Wandering in the desert

Looking for You, where I know you're not

Why do I seek so hard

In places I know you don't inhabit? 

It gives my mind somewhere to go

So I can pretend I'm progressing

**

I won't eat the fruit of another tree

I say

While the sticky juice is still drying on my hands

I forget and take two more bites

While I’m forming the “why did I do that?”

In my mind

I scream out

“Don’t eat this fruit!”

As I raise it high to show the crowd

I don’t even see the bites taken out

By my own disobedient teeth

That lie next to my blazing tongue

The juice from the fruit

Mixes with my words

As they both fly out into the crowd with my words

Sugar and condemnation

Coated with hypocrisy

Creating a meaning I didn’t intend

**

I'm sorry for making you a tradition

I spent years doing it

And I fall into it at times

Even now

When you are more real to me

Than my own face in the mirror

What I really want

But am too afraid to ask

Is for You to blow me away

Whip at those traditions as You did

The moneychangers in the temple

Drive out any preconceived notions

Upend my bag of tricks

Turn the tables on my self-confidence

For you alone carry my confidence

Don’t let me bring those traditions

Into the sanctuary of

Your sacred, holy presence

Stop the celebration-of-self party

That I’ve been throwing

And only inviting you to

Be the party

Be the fireworks

Be the presents

Be The Presence

I promise to invite the guests

You prepare them

Can I tell you guys something?

I've had a rough 9 months.  The end of my pregnancy was filled with so much prenatal anxiety and depression and insomnia and physical pain. Then I had this beautiful baby. AND SHE WAS HARD!  

Everything with her has been a struggle from breastfeeding to general fussiness to the car seat to suddenly losing any quality time with my husband. She. Never. Stopped. NEEDING.  And you see people posting about how you should NEVER complain about pregnancy and a new baby and you think "who are you people that think it's not ok to feel????" My feelings are valid. Pushing them away like they don't exist is toxic. So I'm telling you the hard parts of me. The hard parts of Willow. I'm not dwelling and going on and on (toxic, too) but I'm being real with you.  But **spoiler alert** it has a good ending. 

At first, things were cool. The first 2 weeks maybe? And then, the heaviness hit. For many months I couldn't take a shower without losing it every time.  The kind of tears that make your face sore later from crying without a sound.  The kind of tears that are hotter than the water from the shower. 

I quit talking to people, I quit going to things, I just survived. Which was ok.  I won't go into it any deeper because it's too close. I don't want to relive it and feel it again right now. 

Anyway, all that to say:  it's better now. What I wish that had happened before I had Zoe and dealt with post partum depression for 18 months is that someone had told me about it.  Someone had even said that what I would feel wouldn't be rational and it wouldn't be my fault.  I wish they had said "you may feel extremely happy one moment and ready to give the baby away the next."  Because I did and had no way to process it.  With Asher, I knew and just knowing that was normal was enough to get me through.  I knew that with Willow and it still hit, but it's gone a full 12 months before my PPD with Zoe was.  Not that it always has anything to do with anything. Sometimes PPD is so outside of our control that nothing we do or know or think or take can make it not happen.  I just want you to know that if you have are pregnant or have a baby and feel it, IT'S OK.  You aren't a nut job because it just doesn't make sense.  And here is your dose of hope: 

I don't dread the nighttime, we can leave the house, Willow isn't screaming for apparently no reason, the spit up is just an inconvenience now not something that shuts down my whole day, I look at her and YEARN to interact with her, I don't dread her waking up.  We are communicating and that just helps everything. My hormones are...better. Willow is easier and I am better.  Willow and I just happened to both be better at the same time.  

It's better. 

Life is doable. 

I can just run out if I need to grab something. Not that I want to, but if I did I could. Ha! 

Sure she naps less and for shorter periods of time but that's the natural order of things. 

She smiles and laughs at us. The breastfeeding thing is getting easier, or I at least know her a little better.  Well parts are easier but there always seems to be an issue and I guess we'll always just have to fight for it.  But it's cool, we're fighters around here. 

I don't know why I'm even telling you all this except that all of the things I've told you in blogs until now have come true in my own life. Imagine that. Mainly:

*It won't always be like this. 

*Just surviving is ok for awhile. 

*It's ok to feel what you feel, just don't unpack your bags and live there forever. 

*Sadness and struggle are ok. Sometimes (gasp!) God even ushers you into them. 

Sharing your little and big testimonies is so crucial for the body of Christ and the future body of Christ to hear. For sisterhood. For brotherhood. Share your story with someone today. Use it to lift them up, make sure it's not in an "oh you just wait" kind of attitude. If it's hard it's ok to tell them that but infuse hope into it so that hope is what they sense in your story.   

If you're in the middle of your struggle you can go ahead and share as the Spirit leads. Sometimes people need to see the hard parts of you while you're still in them. While you're crying and begging for it to be over, while acknowledging that it will be one day. It WILL be one day. And if you can't see that?  Remember, this world is not the end.  

40 days of poetry - Day 9

And this one is about Adam and Eve

Once upon no time

A darkness over the face of the deep

A spirit above water

Suddenly Word:

"Let there be…"

A place of light and darkness

Wet and dry

Plants, fruit, living creatures

And man, created in the creator's own image

Dominion  over all

But…still

Man looked over all of creation

And found not one fit for him

So His creator

Created

He loved man so much,

He was willing to give him what

He himself had been craving

Had been creating for all along

Companionship

Man slept

Woman awoke

Holding fast to one another

In the light of this new world

His eyes never left hers

Her hand never left his

He held them both

In giving this to His beloved,

The one He most wanted to be near

He knew it would not end as His soul longed

Man would be enamored with another

He wanted man enamored with Him. 

It didn't take long

They gave into

A passive darkness

An aggressive darkness

Seemingly uncaring, but unrelenting

They relented

And ate

He closed his eyes as eager teeth bit into the flesh of the fruit

And flesh emerged. 

As the sweet juice fell from his chin

He opened up his eyes

Where a contented sigh would have been

Was an astonished

Oh

Eyes never wider, he began to notice her,

Then himself

His blush as deep and red as the fruit he still clutched in his hand.

As it dropped to the ground, he turned his eyes away

For the first time

An echo on the deep

A whisper emitted from a hiss

Shame

The sticky drops trickled down her chin,

Onto her breast, down her body,

As his eyes followed the drops

She suddenly realized she was exposed 

Her blood ran cold and she stumbled back

Eyes frantically looking, searching anywhere for

Something to cover herself

Why hadn't she realized this before?

No longer carefree

Sin entered and the weight of it

Was too much to carry

What had changed?

Everything

And nothing

For they had always been exposed

**side note:  This one isn't finished.  My favorite part of this story is when, after the rebellion, whey they deserve to be left alone forever, God clothes them anyway.  That sort of sums up parenthood and God for me.  I haven't found a way (2 years later) to put that into words yet. 

40 days of poetry - Day 8

I stop in the middle of my day

And let His soft, sweet, jealous love destroy my filters

He replaces them with Himself

I let that love replace my fear and doubt and it reassures my soul.

I cry anyway, unsure of why.

I haven't been forgotten

The opposite

I am remembered every second of my day

My life

He remembers my past, He remembers my future

He remembers what has yet to happen.

Impossible but true

But that's You.

40 days of poetry - Day 7

When I feel the day closing in on me

And I can think of nothing else but past days that have done the same

I remember whether I recognized it or not

Recognized YOU or not

You are there.

You are here

Singing to me

Caring for me while not caring that

I don't care for you

Loving me through it all while seeing

I don't love you

Or acknowledge You

You lift me up to show the angels

Before you place me in a womb

And I

That child

Do not acknowledge your existence.

UNTIL NOW

UNTIL someone loved me enough, without knowing me

To show me Your love and teach me of Your grace.

They dip me in the river of Your overwhelming love

They wash MY feet in the water of YOUR Word

They teach me that being a servant is being free

And being free is home

And now I know why I've been a sick patient yearning to go home

Even though I can't remember where that is

An amnesiac with the blues

It's then that I remember:

You

That's my Father

That's my story

He's my song!

Sweet salvation

Even sweeter because I never realized I was the one who needed to be saved.

Needed strong arms to rip me from a current of addictive behavior, power struggles and sadness

Into a river composed of life and love and release.

I drink deep

I laugh under Your water

I dance under Your waves

Again and again I drink you in so I'll have enough of a never ending supply

To share with the world.

Father, help me remember, it will NEVER be enough.