Today I was getting ready and wearing an outfit I'd worn last week.  Last week, I felt really confident, but today I felt frumpy and frazzled.

Do you ever wear an outfit one day and feel really amazing and then wear it the next week and suddenly it looks awful?  It's the same outfit right?  The same you?

This morning, feeling this way taught me that we can't trust our human emotions and feelings.  There are too many variables to take into account, so thank GOD we have the unchanging Truth right in the palm of our hands!  His Word tells us we lack nothing and that we are complete.  We already have everything we ever need, as long as we're in Him.   I can walk confidently out into the world, head held high reminding myself WHO I AM.  I am a child of the King!  I am loved more than I can imagine.  I will enter the gates of Heaven one day!  What is better than that?  WHO CARES ABOUT MY SHIRT, I'm flying away one day!

I'll be honest, some days it's easier to convince myself than others.  But some days, I feel down and then those reminders completely lift me up and the glory I'm able to give Him is so genuine and filled with love. Guess what happens then? I feel better.  I'm also lifted up.  I am skipping through the streets.  It's like I'm rubber and you're glue but in the best way ever.  God's rubber and when I glorify Him, a burst of love and confidence sticks to me all day long.  Sigh, I just love Him.

I'm not saying it's not normal to feel that way, we just have to look at the list that Aimee gave us and REMEMBER who we are.

Another good list is this one from Joyce Meyer's site:  http://www.joycemeyer.org/articles/ea.aspx?article=knowing_who_i_am_in_christ



Much love,
Courtney

A faith sandwich: my battle with a steroid shot, anxiety and an abnormally normal MRI on my brain

A little background about the medical problems I've been having.  I get hemiplegic migraines (migraines with stroke-like symptoms: tingling in hands and feet, inability to focus, aura, can't think of words, slurred speech, INTENSE horrible headache, etc) and have had them since college.  I had regular migraines with aura since 1st grade, but they changed as I got older.  


So, I only had 2 last year when I learned pulsing lights were one of my triggers.  A month ago, I got two in one week and long story short, they were weird.  I went to the ER and as a preventative measure, they gave me a steroid shot (unknowing how it would affect me) and sent me home.  I couldn't sit down.  I couldn't stop crying. My muscles were rolling in waves and I had to be moving at all times.  My face was red and hot and I was scaring the kids.  2 ER trips later, I was sent home with Ativan and Haldol to just get me through this horrible reaction to the steroid.  The most it would last was 4-5 days which seemed impossible to me to endure, but with meds I figured I could hack it.  One month later, it's still affecting me.  


Now, I have random days when I experience extreme panic and can't sleep without meds.  All of the migraine stuff led my PCP to order an MRI.  I figured it would come back normal.  


It didn't.  


I was at West Tenampa with Jen when the doctor called and said the MRI was abnormal.  Jen just handed me her van keys and I got in while she settled the bill and we drove around.  I was a mess, thinking the worst, wondering what abnormal meant.  Knowing it could be this scary syndrome that I won't even mention it's so horrible, or a tumor, or risk for clots and aneurysm.  That evening and the whole next day, I was panicked.  I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to hear their worry, I wasn't up to pretending I wasn't worried.  


The fear I felt due to the MRI was amped up to about 10x the normal amount I would have felt, due to everything that has happened since that ER trip.  It wasn't rational, at all.  How do you fight irrational anxiety? You don't. You can't punch an invisible monster in the throat, right? 

Now I think my body has gotten used to reacting to high emotions and adrenaline with anxiety and I need to retrain myself on how to act, not react. I can do that. Through repetition and prayer and just getting through it. It won't always be like this. I've had to remind myself of that, everyday for the past month.

The neurologist called today and said that for a migraine brain what the radiologist called abnormal was normal for me.  TALK ABOUT A DEEP BREATH!  I was assuming that I had a long road ahead of me and I would just have to deal with it, but there was nothing wrong.  Nothing.  

No.  

Thing. 

Faith, I've found out this week, is like a sandwich.  Before an event happens, I am faithful.  Like, superstar faithful (the bread).  Then, something scary happens (the ham) and I lose it. I can't feel God, I don't have faith, I just speak it anyway. Resolution (the other piece of bread) happens and I feel my faith again.


I've been struggling with that this week.  Does that mean that when it comes down to something scary, I don't really have the faith I profess?  I think it's the opposite (I can safely say as "the other piece of bread")  Faith has nothing to do with feelings.  As found in Hebrews 11:1 it is "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."   No mentions of how we feel about it is made.  Which is nice.  


So, in that time of my problem, when I didn't feel Him and I was second guessing Him, I was speaking His Word anyway.  Last night, I was in full on panic mode, dry heaving, crying and Isaac laid his hands on my head and prayed a powerfully aggressive prayer and I felt the panic leave my body.  That time, I got to feel it and it gave me a little fuel for the rest of the trial.  


Now that I'm on the other side of it, I know I'm not dying (well, now...we all are, really), my brain looks abnormally normal, and I can breathe.  I have a new perspective on faith.  When I told Jen that I couldn't feel Him the time I needed to feel Him most, she told me to look around.  He was with me:  


**in my husband's arms


**in crazily coincidental emails from friends (I'm talking everyday for four days someone who didn't know what was going on randomly sent a message that they were thinking of me and sent me love)


**in help from my sisters-in-law who were willing to do anything for me


**in my parents taking care of the kids and me from the beginning.  


THAT'S where He was.  With me.  I didn't need an angel to show up in a dream to assure me (which would be wicked scary and cool).  I needed Him in what/who He put around me.  


KNOW THIS:  No matter what that MRI had said I LACK NOTHING in Him.  No matter how many more days on this earth I have, He is with me for every second of them.  NO ONE is promised tomorrow anyway.   


I want you to know, if you are going through something and you don't feel Him but have always believed His Word, speak it.  THAT is faith.  You don't have to feel super spiritual or completely peaceful to be faithful.  You aren't doing anything wrong.  Even Jesus asked if there was any other way before the cross.  And when there isn't any other way, you reattach an ear and get on with it (if you don't know what I'm talking about, it's a really cool story in the bible:  Luke 22:49-51)






Today, I was listening to the song Healer, sung by Bethel and the first few lines astounded me.  It was right where I was.  I hope you let it bless you, too.  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZGfzdvEe1I

This path is the right one, but what the heck are these rocks doing here???

I was struggling and I called Jen (my friend, Pastor's wife, mentor, comedian, part time rapper ...she has many titles in my life haha).  Here is a paraphrase of what she told me regarding this struggle and it really spoke to me:

When you know you're on the right path, it doesn't mean you won't see rough areas of town and beautiful scenery all on that right path.  You'll have long stretches of driving with the windows down, feeling carefree and stretches of construction and loudness and dirt and grime and the a/c broken.  None of that makes the path any less "right"  Stay on the path that you know is right, finish the race, get to your destination.  Don't look around, keep your eyes ahead of you.

I don't have a lot to say about it because it was pretty spot on.  I think it may help someone else, too.  So many times I think that if I'm on the right path, it should be easy, but then I stumble over a rock and scrape up my hands.  That rock doesn't mean I'm going the wrong way, it could serve as any type of thing:  a reminder, a wake up call, an attack, etc...  I should be thankful for it but to be honest, I'm usually not thankful until I get to my destination, look back and see its purpose.

Have a great day, I hope this speaks to you today :)

Much love,
C

WAKE UP!

This past year or so, I've been waking up. Three years ago, I entered into this spiritually numb period that didn't even feel hard because I was so numb and just didn't care. Do you know when it got hard? The first little nudge I got to wake up (my 2nd visit to Celebration). When I rolled over and the sun was in my eyes and I was confused. When I stretched and got a Charlie-horse. But being awake felt so good too. There was such a startling difference between the pain and the pleasure but I just kept feeling that being fully awake was going to be worth all of this. It was hard to realize I'd been asleep for so long. What did I miss??

One year later, I can finally say it was worth it! I've been rubbing my eyes and writing everything I can remember. Today, I'm metaphorically rising out of that bed, stepping into who He says I am and what He says I can do.

I'm taking my cues from Him. Dying to self, rising a new creation. If you're in that stage where it's getting hard, let me encourage you it won't last forever and it will get better!! It'll be worth it!

And if you're in the numb period, take heart, you aren't alone. I've been through it which means many others (most) have. Also, even when you don't feel Jesus, He's still there loving you as furiously as ever. He's still powerfully fighting on your behalf.

Ask me questions if you're in any of these places, cry on my shoulder, message the heck out of me. I don't want what I've been through to be for nothing, those labor pains birthed out a testimony that gives Him glory and hopefully helps someone else. Share your stories with me, let's all rise up together!!


Much love,
C

Help my unbelief!

Mark 9:24 “I believe; help my unbelief!”

Asher says he's scared of the dark.  He isn't really, he's just heard Zoe say it to keep from going to sleep and he's latched onto it.  Just a minute ago, I was trying to get him to take a nap because he's sick and he said "but i'm scared of uh dark" and I said "but mommy is right here with you." And he said, "mommy I know you're here, but I'm scared."  And just to amp up the cuteness factor it came out sounding like mommy I know you HEE-YAH!  But I'm scowed.


Yeah...that's ok, I wasn't offended.  I understood.  I'm still there, the dark is still there.  We're still there together.  Asher being scared doesn't make something scary appear and whether he believes I'll keep him safe or not, I will.  

**

I pray for my migraines to be gone.  I get my faith as close to the size of a mustard seed as I can (and let's face it, it's still most likely at least the size of Texas), then as soon as lights look funny I start to panic.  LORD, IS THIS A MIGRAINE?  I BELIEVE I'M HEALED, BUT AM I SICK?  Is this a headache coming or the lingering flash from a camera?  I believe, but help my unbelief!


How have I never seen this scripture LIKE THIS? In the same sentence, he says 

*I believe

*Help me believe.  

WHAT?  That's exactly how I feel, ESPECIALLY regarding healing.  I've always needed help in the unbelief department (maybe more than most) and so this is often my prayer, "help my unbelief," but I never saw the rest of it and saw how it all fit together.  


This desperate father who spoke thousands of years ago, jumps straight into 2012 to teach me that God expects this.  This man, this scared father (speaking of healing for his son from a spirit that made him blind and mute and caused him to hurt himself) said "if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” 


Sigh.  (I bet Jesus sighed) He said, 

“‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”

His son was healed.  Even in unbelief and belief and somewhere in between because of the man's honesty and faith (yes, FAITH) Jesus healed his son.  I like the way Jesus reacted to the man.  It's like how I react when Zoe has a morning when she's scared to go to school because her morning started off bad and she's crying for me. I expect it every now and then.  But, when will she learn that I'll be there in the pick up line to get her?  Every day.  I'll never leave her!  

Zoe trusts me, but she still gets scared.  

Asher trusts me, but he still gets scared.

I tend to get frustrated where Jesus does not.  He just (maybe sighs) and repeats his own words back to the scared father.  THAT is when the man is completely honest.  The most honest thing I've ever heard:

Mark 9:24 “I believe; help my unbelief!”

That honesty brings healing.  We could learn a lot from that interaction.  


It's like me believing my migraines are gone forever while keeping my meds in the cabinet.  I feel God's ok with that. There may be a time when He tells me to throw them out and I better obey, but until then they're staying there.  


This part in Mark shows one father reaching out to another Father.  Two hearts beating for their children, willing to do anything to save them.  Jesus appreciates complete transparency.  And ya know what?  People do, too.  Jesus wanted the father forever changed, too.  This interaction was no accident.  


One thing I want you to take away from this is stop being so hard on yourself if you have doubts or if you have doubt while at the same time having faith.  Nothing is wrong with your relationship with God.  He doesn't want blind, mute followers (He casts those things out!).  He wants authenticity and transparency.  He wants you in all the way.  James 1:8 says, "a double-minded man [is] unstable in all his ways."


Double-minded doesn't represent faith and doubt.  It doesn't represent belief and unbelief.  It represents something more like honesty and lies.  Transparent and covered.  


I think, anyway.  I've had a lot of coffee so take that for what you will, my fingers are going faster than my brain.  Take a look at this guy:

God on one side, the world on the other.  That is double-minded.  And stupid if you think God can't see it.  Have one head...I mean mind.  Look at the world, look at God, look at dirt, look at a snow white dove.  All through the same eyes, through the lens of The Word.  Single minded.  

Much love,

C

p.s.  I feel like this interaction proves that emotions don't mean squat.  They're nice and they are often useful, but belief is a decision. I don't know about you, but this makes me feel better. I don't have to rely on whether I feel God to know He's there.  I get to decide to believe.  I get to decide to have ONE FLIPPIN' HEAD. That's cool.  And it's easier than looking at the world, like everything is just up to chance.  Sheesh, talk about emotions.  I used to live like that and I never felt more out of control.   Don't get me wrong, I FEEL Him often.  But when I don't, I have this one head/mind that I can pull words from and speak HIS WORDS anyway.  The emotions eventually align with what I'm thinking so it's this really cool full circle thing.  

Asher's boots = lesson learned

I was watching Asher play in his room.  The boy is obsessed with boots.

Boots, boots, everywhere, on his feet and in my hair!  

Metaphorically.  

So, he wants to wear the boots downstairs. Cool.  The problem is, they are about 3 sizes too big because they are Zoe's fire boots, not his.  It's all cool until he starts to walk down the steps.  You should have seen him, having to lift up his legs really high, grabbing onto the railing, but daggone it he was gonna do it!  He was going to do it looking ridiculous, but he was adamant that he was wearing these boots downstairs.


They're too big, you're gonna fall
They're too big, you're gonna fall
They're too big, you're gonna fall.


He didn't fall. But still, that was some wise logic.  It made me think, just because you CAN do something and you do it and nothing bad happens, doesn't mean you SHOULD do it again.  Wearing boots way too big for your feet can lead to blisters and spills and falls and looking stupid.  Most definitely looking stupid.

(Not that I'm calling my son stupid.)

But one day he may walk down the steps and fall and get hurt.  The scary kind of hurt.

He's a child, just learning but because of his expanding little mind and what he gets from cause and effect (which honestly doesn't seem to be much...at least not as much as Zoe) teaches me endless lessons.  Which I can teach him later.  Wild, huh?  He's teaching me things that I'll teach him later.  Dang, that's amazing.

God loves lessons through story because He knows our minds since He created them.  He knows what makes a story/lesson stick and it's when you can imagine it and replay it in your mind.  Later, I'll be able to say things like "Asher, when you were 3..." and he'll say "Awwwww mom COME ON!  Another story from my childhood that relates to now???"  and I'll say "Just bear with me..."  And he'll learn.  He will.

Ok THAT'S bittersweet.

Anyway, he'll remember those lessons the same way I do.  Because I lived them and turned them into a little story lesson in my head.  As he tells his kids about what he did as a kid, that lesson will hit home again and they'll both learn.  It's crazy  how many directions it can go.  Kids at school "this kid in my class...one time when he was little he did... and that's why you shouldn't do...."

I'm a little scared to think of the lessons we'll learn because this kid has no fear and he loves to get caught doing naughty things.  Please Lord, protect him because You know I can't.  I just can't.  He's wild as a buck and cute as a mini-Justin Beiber.  I just want to muss up his hair and tickle him (which I DON'T want to do to Beiber, let's be clear).

Our stories reach far and wide, so don't ever stop looking for lessons in the everyday happenings at your house or school or church or wherever.  And ALWAYS share these stories with me so I can at least laugh at your expense.

halfhearted

***I'm just popping back up here to say this blog went all kinds of places***

The following is from Sailing Between the Stars by Steven James:

I think God hates all that is halfhearted because when you divide the most important things in half, you don't end up with half but get the opposite instead.  Halfway justice is injustice.  Halfway devotion is compromise.  Halfway purity is sin.  Halfway holiness is ungodliness.  Halfway worship is ritual.  Halfway love is apathy.  Halfway hope is despair.  Anything that's halfhearted ends up becoming all wrong.  A person cannot be somewhat pure or slightly Christian.

This is how I am with people sometimes.  You just get half of me... but I'm working on it.  I just thought of something, when people are half on Facebook, it's usually doubled.  You only give half of who you are (the good half) and so that part gets blown up and you become something you could never live up to in real life.  

Anyway, I've made great strides this past year in becoming just who I am.  I'm so flippin' worried about offending people, but what I've realized is

1) You are grown people that if you disagree you can either tell me and we can talk or you can look away and get on with your day.  If if affects you in any other way, that's on you, not me.  That's hard for me to accept because I want to take responsibility for how YOU feel regarding what I say.  Which I could never do anyway.  It would cause hours of needless worry and overanalyzing.  (psst.  I'm good at that)  And I'm going to say here, I haven't had a lot of opposition, so I think either I just happen to choose good friends or I'm not getting through to people.

2) You don't care as much I assume you do.

I'm just an absolute freak for Jesus, so it's natural that it comes out in all of my posts.  He's so woven through every single moment of my life, there's no way I COULD leave Him out.  And since that's how it is with me, there's no way I would WANT to leave Him out.  I want YOU to know about Him, too, and either share our mutual beliefs in love or get you wondering.  If the God I say is alive, leaves you alone after He makes you wonder through me, then you can just keep assuming He's not who I say He is (but He won't...leave you alone, that is...be warned, you're in for a lifelong battle of wills with an all-powerful- never dying- loving the hell out of you- God.).  I'm sorry to you for toning him down for so many years so He would be easier to swallow. I wasn't doing you or me or GOD any favors.  Steven James sums it up well:

And it isn't skeptics who have done this.  Sadly, so much of the real Jesus has been sanitized and neutered over the years by well-meaning church people.  I think they feel a need to protect him, but you don't protect your sword; you use it to fight with.  You don't need to protect Jesus-- he's the first and last weapon in God's quiver.

Here is a man full of furious love.  Here is a man whose blood is on fire.  Hurricanes and demons step aside to let him pass.  Anytime we picture him as weak or helpless or pathetic, we're only holding a mirror up to our own souls because this skin-covered God is mightier than the stars.  

He is the passionate fury and the furious passion of the infinite and almighty God.

And yet... he was meek enough to wash the feet of his followers, humble enough to be laid in a manger, playful enough to let kids tug at his beard, and tolerant enough to party with prostitutes.  

Yes, he was the baby in the manger.  Yes, he is the man who made demons tremble.  Yes, he is the lamb of God.  Yes, he is the Lion of Thunder.  Here is a man who is not ashamed to weep in front of the crowds, and neither is he afraid to accuse -- to their faces-- the most powerful men in the land of spiritually abusing the people.  

He is both.  He is all.  The beginning and the end.  THE AUTHOR AND THE INK.  Love piercing time.  Mystery living next door.  

"The author and the ink"  SHEWWW that lines gets to me.  I love thinking of Him that way.

I sort of love believing in this God that I can't fully explain to you.  A God that's as much as a feeling to me as He is fact.  I love that!  I love the mystery of God and this world and the questions that it brings up more than the answers, I think!  I can appreciate mystery and the fact that this story of the world is so filled up with it, makes me want to seek it out even more.

1 Timothy 3:16

Great indeed, we confess, is the mystery of godliness: He was manifested in the flesh,    vindicated by the Spirit, seen by angels, proclaimed among the nations, believed on in the world, taken up in glory.

Wow.

I don't know how to end this.  I can't sum things up like Seinfeld, that's for sure.  I guess, if you have any questions, ask me.  I will probably have to seek out the answer, which works for me since I'm sure I'll learn something, too.  I'm not a person that has scriptures in my head on the ready because I have a hard time with focus (can ya tell by my blogs???) but this is the year for me to work on that.  OK, I just realized writing that out this is the year I'll work on KNOWING the Word by heart as much as I can.  I know the ideas but I'm all the time saying things like "somewhere in the Bible, it says.."  That's been ok but now it's not good enough.  I'm spiritually maturing and I need to do this for me.  Have a great day, world!

Much love,

C

Cloud covering

I was driving home this morning from taking Zoe to school and a thought occurred to me.  On the way, I was thinking how wild it was that some mornings the sun can be so bright and others the clouds seem to completely cover it at the same time of the year.  As I was turning into my road, I noticed the sun was as bright as ever.  The clouds had parted and there was the sun.

To me, the clouds were like thoughts and the sun is God.  Our thoughts can completely block him out.  One thought (cloud) after another just covering and covering until you can't see the shape of the sun anymore.  There is still light all around, there is still evidence of the light, it's still daytime, but the source is covered up.

So, how do we combat this?  We can immediately turn our thoughts toward God .

Isaiah 26:3

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Then, put new thoughts in your brain:

Philippians 4:8 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Why are our thoughts so important?  They just stay in your brain, right?  They aren't hurting anyone...

Matthew 12:34

" for out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."

Our thoughts come straight from our heart.  It's not bad if we have a negative thought, but we need to immediately take that thought captive.  

2 Cor 10:5

"We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and      take every thought captive to obey Christ" (btw, at this point, I CANNOT get this blog in the format I want, everything is going wrong and I'm being tested already! I'm leaving this little blue box and different font.  You guys don't care right?  It's messy...like life haha) Here is how it looks like for me: Thought:  I am going to go straight to the website designer where I got these scriptures and punch him/her in the throat because it's so hard to copy and paste from that site.  I don't care how much money it takes to fly there,  I don't care if my kids miss me while I find him/her, I don't care if the po po get involved.  I. WILL. FIND. THAT. PERSON.   Courtney: (deep breath) I am thankful the Word of God is so easily accessible to me at all times.  I have many bibles in my home, an amazing bible app on my phone, and tons of websites that hold the Word of God.  IT'S. SO. EASY.   Thought: Yeah...but still...stupid website... Courtney: THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGTH, the format of this blog doesn't even matter!!!!   I'M GOING TO HEAVEN!   I'm choosing to be happy! Sometimes, it goes exactly like that. Actually, the more I have that type of interaction with myself, the easier it gets, but I have my days where I really suck and those thoughts end up becoming my attitude for the whole day.  All because of one 20 minute span where I had a hard time getting my blog in order.  MY WHOLE DAY.  RUINED.  Because of THAT?  Geez, it sounds silly but when you start letting that happen more and more, it's like an avalanche.  And it won't just ruin your whole day, it'll ruin whole spans of time, maybe whole days...months...years...your life?  DON'T BECOME THAT PERSON, stop the cycle now. I'm really hoping some of this reached someone because I felt it so strong within me and I'm praying you can overlook not only the format, but the fact that this isn't my most well written blog. I'm fighting with myself not to write really big: AFTER THIS, GO READ MY LAST FEW BLOGS...I REALLY FELT I 'GOT IT' WITH THOSE!!!!  GO!!!   (see what I did there?  I said it while pretending not to...oh yeah...not much pretending haha) In closing, PART THE CLOUDS AND LET THE SUN SHINE IN!  When a negative thought or a thought that doesn't align with God's Word comes into your head, get rid of it and replace it with something true.  The Word!  Or at least a positive thought.   Is there anything more beautiful than when the clouds start to part and sun starts streaming in through them?  Like it's bursting forth and has just been WAITING impatiently for a chance to let its sunbeams reach the earth.   Much love, C